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Author Topic: I snooped before you judge please read

April 25, 2019, 04:47:48 PM
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Pureintentions22


Ive been with my bf 6 months. He is 25 I'm 40. I was hesitant because of age difference however we clicked on so many levels I'm happy I put that aside and gave us a chance. We worked together a few years ago, and reunited over FB then a drink. It was completely innocent at first, I was going to help him find a gf and I was in an unhealthy relationship and he was a friend for me... Ended up my ex cheated for the past yr. So my current bf asked me to go out for a drink to cheer me up.
Everything has been going fairly well since then. We started a relationship very soon after the cheating one and I was hesitant because I didnt want to drag issues into a new relationship nor give anyone shit they didnt deserve. Hes been very understanding about some insecurities and trust issues due to the past. So getting to the point...
About a month ago I was going through my history on my computer that he was signed into as well, to see what my kids have been up to. This is a regular routine for me to make sure theyre watching appropiate stuff... My children are quite young and its my responsibility to make sure I know what theyre watching. Anyhow, things came up, on his account because thats what was signed in at the time when kids were using computer... I found some things- things no way my daughtrr 11 yrs or son 9 yrs woukd be looking at. I also found pics of his ex he was looking up. I was very upset and brought to his attention. He is always great to talk about things with me. He didnt understand some of the things that came up and others he apologized for, said it was curiosity. I can get over most of that, aftrr all were human, curiosity is our nature and no one is perfect... He also said that anytime I can check his phone if I feel uneasy- so I did! Well... I found he was looking up his ex amd other hot girls. I once again brought to his attention. This time I was really upset as we just discussed this and here we go again. We spoke- he reassured me of love etc... And once again said feel free to go through. Well- last night I decided to check his phone to see if this is a continued thing... He canged his password! I was FURIOUS! So i woke him up angry and very hurt and he ws so non cholant about it. Saying he changed it because it was a test. Asking me why I needed to go through his phone again when I just did a few days ago and we discussed it.
My issue is... If he had nothing to hide, why did he change it? If he said go through anytime, then changed password, that makes me suspicious. He already knows my kids and I went through he'll and assures hes not that kind of guy and he libes me with all his heart etc...
His actions mostly do speak louder than words. He is very attentive, spends most time with me. I'm invited to all friends or family events, close with his family and vice versa. We grew very close over 6 months and we both take very good care of eachother. Sometimes I feel like hes another child of mine lol because I do take very good care of him and pamper him but I lobe doing it amd I know he loves it too... He shows me appreciation by taking me out every weekend and doing what he can to support me mentally and emotionally for anything. I also habe an asd child, and I am home with disabilities from accident and hes very loving and patient. We don't fight often but do bicker when needed to see eye to eye or respect eachothers differences. So all in all I feel we habe a healthy relationship except for this issue of history amd passwords etc... Its really bothering me that I found this, that he changed his password, and that I snooped as well. I don't like that I snooped but I felt I needed to know if it was a pattern. He made a good point that trust needs to be between us and me having his password was too tempting for me to continually snoop, I agree and disagree at the same time. So as you can tell I have a million thoughts racing through my head amd heart and would live honest MATURE advice. Breaking up because there are issues is not an option.
I believe relationshios should not be treated as disposable items! If it has a minor issue, fix it, don't trade it in for something different because in the end if its well made, it will do you well. If it was a piece of shit in the beginning then yes maybe upgrading is needed😉 this man is well made in and out and I feel my issue from getting cheated on is an issue amd seeing these things in his history were a trigger. I'm owning what I did and am looking for support to get me through and wondering if him changing passwords amd his reasoning is considered reasonable to others? In not clear headed about this...
Thank you
Sorry for the long story but I wanted to give background info❤

April 26, 2019, 07:19:49 PM
Reply #1
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Pechorin


Would I consider his thought process to be reasonable?  No.  It seems considerably immature (and that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with his age ... a 59 year old person can be immature) to change a phone password and renege on a promise just to see if/when you would next check something on his phone.

It seems like a pretty serious snag if there are trust issues in either direction: you not trusting him with the browsing and ex stuff and him not trusting you with his phone / not respecting your emotional needs / not holding up his promise to let you see how he uses his phone.

April 27, 2019, 12:27:28 AM
Reply #2
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Alice37


I think he should not be looking up other women.  I understand curiosity about your ex.  I do that just to see they are happy and well even though I have no desire to be with them.

However I would also be upset if he was looking up other women.

But a good way to end a relationship is if someone had to have access to  your phone all the time.  That will push him away even though I understand your feeling completely.

You can trust him and maybe it will all work out

Not trust him and drive yourself crazy and ruin the relationship

Or trust him and be betrayed and try to not carry that on to your next relationship

But just stop going through his phone. Go do some nice stuff for you.

 

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