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Author Topic: I feel lonelier and stuck

January 16, 2020, 07:24:55 AM
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jennie


I have been living with my partner for over a year, and we have been together for over 2 years now. I moved his country to be with him, leaving my job and everything else behind. I was not happy when I got here due to cultural shock, language barriers, having no friends and bad weather. I told my partner how I feel - unhappy and lonely those times, and he seemed to be understanding after we fought a few times. Most times when we fight, I don't know what to say and keep quiet to understand what is going on, what is the cause and so on. I don't have an immediate answer to his questions, so he ends up frustrated, calling me - crazy, bitchy, cold wall, unsociolisable, etc. I felt useless. I tried to control my mood, tried to be happy for him.

Sometimes, it is hard for being me - I have a thyroid issue, so my temper is there since I was a little girl. We got into major fights because of our finance. He expects me to learn the language faster and get a job so that we will be all happy, meanwhile, he is not helpful in teaching. Since then, everything seems to be my fault - not speaking proper of his language so I won't have a job, not having many friends because I don't go out so often, mood being down because I never tried to control or do something to it. It is meaningless to even talk about it with him, I feel. Now he got a second job (with an unpredictable weekend timetable) because we want to have our house. I feel more useless, every time he brings up the topic of working in 2 different jobs, with his friends and family while I am there. I told him how I felt, but he says 'oh don't be like that. I am doing it for you, for us'. I appreciated him for it many times, but he still says I give money to you every day by bringing food to the table. I lost my words. I did not choose to trade my job and friends for being devalued here. If I want to I can go back and work, have my life back.
The abuse or what I can call it loss in confidence also continued with threat of breaking up with me - if I go back to my job away from him or he says he would have kicked me out of the house - if he couldn't deal with my craziness (that's what he calls), or if I don't want to have kids, then better we split up.
I don't want to have kids with him in the future, to be honest. But I have not told him yet. His family is very nice but too evolving and nosy. I feel disrespected by him in many occasions - his coworkers called me a gold digger (he told me, but he didn't do anything since it was a joke he said), his friend casually asked me to come to his house to cook for his family (because my bf told them I cook well, but it means I need to cook for them? yet my bf didn't say a word to protect me again). he chats with my old colleague about me being quiet, behind my back (I saw on his phone one time).
My stress adds up even more, because of his thousand ex-s being around him, working in the same company, living close, attending the same occasions. He is proud that some of his ex-s still want to get back with him.

I barely managed my depression before coming to this country, barely got out of early shock, but now I feel so devalued, anxious, angry and disrespected that my depression is getting back at me. I feel lonelier every single day even he is at home (playing computer games). I told my sister, she advised me to end this relationship. But I don't want to jump into a conclusion and end everything. I still care about him.
Any advice? really appreciated

January 16, 2020, 04:27:59 PM
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SmileyTurtle


Wow, well first of all, I want to say sorry you're going through something so emotionally difficult, I've always thought it such a brave thing to go and live in a country that doesn't speak your language! So really well done with that!

It does sound like there's possibly more bad than good? But of course being in a relationship myself, I know the feeling of wanting to do everything you can to make it work before even considering an end to it.

What has helped me in the past, is to become more self-aware, (this might sound harsh but please bare with me, this is not an accusation) and to recognize any toxicity in myself. Sometimes I would think that just because he was the one yelling and getting angry that I was the victim, until I found an article that showed me exactly what I was doing, unintentionally of course! We'd never intentionally hurt our loved ones but I would find any reason to push buttons and then when he'd get angry, I'd pull back and act as the wounded one.

I've also found that though a relationship takes two, it actually CAN take ONE to make the positive change to it, (in this case, you!) so once I became aware of my toxicity and was able to watch myself, be more in control of what I said, how I said it, think about whether or not certain things would just cause unnecessary upset, I was able to calm my head and heart and he felt that energy and mirrored it, which of course now creates harmony, it helped me word things properly so I was able to communicate my feelings without making him feel attacked.

All relationships need arguments and disagreements here and there but not all the time and not to the point of resentment. Always remember, "The opposite of love IS NOT hate but indifference". Indifference starts with resentment which is caused when things aren't resolved.

One thing that I find helps, along with this self-awareness, is to truly remember and understand that other people aren't the keys to our happiness. Your partner is going to live his life regardless and it sounds like he wants you to be part of it but you must truly think about yourself and what you want out of life and go for it and maybe that will include him. If that means spending most of your day studying his language so you can start feeling more comfortable going out, then that's one of the first steps.

Threatening to break up with you, making hurtful jokes with his colleagues and then even telling you (Like you're not supposed to get upset?) really is not fair and a nasty thing to do. Also the exs thing, that's horrible, I totally know what that's like with past relationships and it's enough to bring you down but if you do want to try for you and him, you've got to work on your own life or he'll just keep disrespecting you.

We as humans need routine and without a job or hobby, things like depression and anxiety take over and then you're in a viscous cycle and that's where the self-awareness is helpful because it's easy to fall into self-pity and blame the boyfriend that you've made such drastic changes for but you're not a victim, you're not weak, you moved countries for love! That's awesome! Use the internet to help you with the language, take time to do things you enjoy, read (Terry Pratchett's bound to get a giggle out of you), exercise, keep where you live clean and tidy, look in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful. Who knows, maybe you'll find he's not the one and if it doesn't work out after you've done all that then you know for sure that it's not you, it's him.

Sorry if this is longer than necessary, I got a bit passionate there. Really hope something in that crazy amount of typing helped, really sorry if not though!

All the luck to you! Maybe we'll get an update, hopefully a positive one!

January 19, 2020, 03:43:40 AM
Reply #2
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jennie


Dear Smiley Turtle,

Thank you so much for being so open and caring. It shined a new light and perspective.
I have been trying to talk to my partner for the past few days and hope that I can understand his side better after.
As you recommended, I have been also looking into articles and books that will help me with positive changes in attitude and beliefs.
I love this quote so much "The opposite of love IS NOT hate but indifference".
Hope I will have better update soon.

April 29, 2020, 10:26:02 PM
Reply #3
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brianlye


Heyya, the topic of love and relationships is a hard, arduous, and even a torturous one. However, I do believe in true love and how some things that you least expect it to happen will become true. So do hold on to some Hope.

I am a writer on topics on everything under the sun and I hope to share some pointers. Head on to my blog to read the whole item as it is too long to write here! funwithlife123.wordpress.com

You need to respark the relationship. If you have been doing the same old things in the past, things will not change. To have a better future, have a change in your mindset, outlook, appearance and even lifestyle. Be the person you are proud of amidst all these changes. I am sure there is love among you and that sometimes it can be clouded by the boringness in a long-term relationship. So take the first needed step to change!

Here is what you gonna do in summary!

#1: Play Hard to Get

#2: Rock His World

#3: Laugh at His Jokes

#4: Find Strength in Numbers

#5: Appeal to His Sensual Side

Hope it is helpful! Do let me know what I can do to assist in your understanding!

 

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