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Author Topic: I don't know what to do anymore

March 24, 2020, 12:42:19 PM
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vlixard


My boyfriend (21M) and I (19F) have been together for over a year. We met when he was 19 and I was 18 (he was like a week from turning 20). Ever since 15 I have been jumping from one serious year long relationship to another, and this time I knew it was different. As time went on I told all my friends he was my soulmate, and that I was the happiest I've ever been with anyone. He got me off drugs, off nicotine, and was altogether keeping me a good sane stable person who wasn't going around having unprotected sex as a coping mechanism.
Before I go into the main issue I'm having, I need to explain that I was severely mentally ill starting at 16 and went to therapy to get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and get medicated at 17. I left therapy only a year later as college started because I had a part time job on weekends and just had no time. But mainly because I got incredibly better. I think it's a requirement to tell whoever you're entering a serious relationship with about your mental illness, so as we got to know each other better I would start introducing him to my issues. He hadn't heard of BPD before, so I tried to explain it to him. I told him he should google it and read on it but that mine is different; that I have a very very mild case of it as I got immensely better and have been transitioning to getting off anti-depressants and wellbutrin at the time (lol i just stopped taking my meds cold turkey which i know is so wrong but self destruction and lack of self care be like that). That was a horrible conversation. He wasn't saying anything. When I confronted him being like "???/ speak???? say something??" he said something along the lines of "It's just hard you know." We had a silent bus ride home together that night. As time went on I kept trying to bring it up as, you know, it's a part of me, even though I'm better BPD never goes away and I'm fucked up forever. I told him that. Didn't really get a reaction or anything. Whatever. Months later again I confronted him about it, fully broke down in front of him and got nothing. He was still confused on what BPD is and thought it was bipolar. He made jokes out of it. Oh god. I confronted him and he apologized but once again we went nowhere. This is when all of this, mixed with the main issue I have with him has started to drive me insane. Before I move on I would like to quickly add on that I got diagnosed with BPD when I was still with my ex right before my current boyfriend. We both heard of BPD for the first time together with my diagnosis, and he put such a beautiful amount of effort into researching it, communicating with me, and trying to understand it. Even though that relationship ended in shambles as he hacked me and threatened every male I spoke with after him, I had the past experience of being with someone who cared about my emotions and mental health. It's different now.
Anyways, here's what's bothers me most.
When I met him (my current boyfriend) I was still a senior in high school and he has already graduated high school two years prior. I met him during the college application process. While I very deeply internalized this, I may or may not have decided to go to the college I go to so I can stay with him. Of course, it was a great decision and I'm not gonna get into the intricacies of why it worked out but keep that in mind.
I come from a family background of very highly educated people with high aspirations. This was kind of a reason why I left my previous ex (besides very many other reasons), he was one of the only people to have graduated high school as he came from a white trash family and was clearly not off to too bright of a life because of drugs and failing class. I knew that our families were too incompatible for a serious long relationship where they'd have to interact. No, my family is not rich in the slightest, and no, I do not care about money my partner has. But I need someone with ambition and some motivation and drive to do something great in life! It's very important to me, and now that I'm in my second semester of college and onto my second job (both are great, respectable jobs for a college freshman might I add), it's becoming more apparent than ever.
My boyfriend has only ever had minimum wage jobs before, and during our relationship was unemployed for a few months because where he worked got shut down. It took so much pressure from me for him to do something about it.
Listen, no, I'm not being picky or a golddigger. If I want to have a future with somebody, a serious future with marriage and children as my boyfriend and I discussed many times, you need something more than a minimum wage job. I do not mind being the breadwinner of the family/relationship, plus it's clear that I'm going to be (hell even now I am). But you need to do something more with your life. On top of that, why is he wasting the most important years of his life like this? He complains he wants to try therapy and get out of his house because he hates his family. I told him over and over: okay, find a therapist. I educated him so much on how to find one and how to go about it. I told him if he hates living with his family so much then get a job or go to college so that you can move out. The thing that makes me the saddest is that no matter how much I pressured him to get a new job, the only reason he got one is because his dad gave him a job at his own company. I was happy at first, but then he started coming in late everyday and basically made up excuses to stay home most of the time. Excuse me? I tried confronting him as politely as possible, but I could not get myself to be harsh enough for it to really make a difference on him.
My friends asked me before, why doesn't he go to college? Is he going to go back? So I asked him a few months ago. He told me he wants to go back. So alongside pushing him to get a job, I've been trying to push him to go back to school too. Nothing. Months of trying to communicate and push him and motivate him and talk to him about our future, and nothing. Just a shitty job he doesn't even go to that his dad gave him. Meanwhile, here I am, at a good college doing well and already onto my second above minimum wage respectable job. And I'm two years younger than him. Not only is this infuriating for the obvious reasons, it also creates a horrible gap in our relationship.
It's been harder. He is so much, sooo much clingier and needy for attention than I am. Because he sits on his ass all day long and doesn't do anything. Meanwhile I'm juggling a hard major in college and my difficult job. I don't have time. We have so little connection compared to before. There is less to talk about because our lives are so different. I love him so so much. We click so well and always have. But then there's this deficit on top of not trying to understand my mental illness. I don't know what to do. I try to communicate this and it goes nowhere. I don't want to leave him. I do not want a life without him. But at the same time he makes me want to be alone. I have less desire to communicate or spend time with him at this point. I tell him less things now. I don't miss him as much. But I don't love him any less. I am just so lost. I just want help.


March 24, 2020, 03:14:53 PM
Reply #1
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LilyPouille


Hi vlixard!

I think your boyfriend needs help to get better and to have short and long term goals. But, at some point being lost at 20 years old doesn't mean everything is over for him. A lot of people of the age of 18-25 years old are at the same point. I think he needs time to know what to do with his family, his job, school and you.
I think you're trying in your own way, and try to make the best version of himself (maybe he won't exceed your expectations or maybe will). The thing is you can't change people but you can still try to love them.
I would say, he needs time but that doesn't mean you don't push him harder, to make something for him. Maybe I'm too idealistic, I don't know. Maybe talking to him about the fact that you can't handle everything on your own, that you need him to put himself together and if things keep the way they are, it might be a deadend for you (because you might be really hurt, if the situation goes for 3,4 years this way).

Keep us posted

Lily
Live. Just live.

March 24, 2020, 03:46:31 PM
Reply #2
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vlixard


Thank you so much for your response! I agree with everything you said, but the thing is, and I am afraid of me trying to "change" him being toxic or unhealthy. But the thing is, it's affecting our current state of relationship. I don't want to just keep waiting. I need to show him making a move now. It's making me less attracted to him as we speak. I don't know I can't get myself to communicate with him properly even though that's never been an issue for me with any other relationship before.

March 26, 2020, 11:28:56 PM
Reply #3
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Tony


A different view. Love is not something that is static. It changes and your perspective on it changes as you get older.

What you are doing is growing as a person, finding out about you and desires wants and starting to clearly define your values.

If I understand correctly what you are thinking is that your life is moving in a different direction to his. This isn’t bad but if your values aren’t aligned, this will cause distress to you particuyif the other person can’t see it.

 I’d seriously consider moving on as it sounds like it will and is causing concern to you and ultimately you aren’t aligned and seeking something more than what you have.

March 31, 2020, 02:52:18 AM
Reply #4
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DreamGuyxo


We surely understand that you love him and your feelings haven’t changed in any way

Since it looks like you have no loss of feelings and it’s really maybe the situation that you’re currently in that’s impacting the way you feel, if you can give your boyfriend the patience that he needs deep down so he can progress and better understand the way he’s feeling and the way he handles his priorities.

I have an ex girlfriend that put me in a similar situation like this but she was a workaholic with three degrees and the way she was with her work compare to my true desires of my own I could not keep up with her and our relationship. I felt more stressed and my feelings to let her get by came out. I could not bare with the way things were.

As long as your feelings haven’t changed then may as best give him the patience that he deserves for right now until he progresses.

March 31, 2020, 08:45:48 AM
Reply #5
Online

LilyPouille


I guess it depends on what you really want to do and what you need from now on from this relationship! But @Tony is right about the fact that maybe your life is changing and love is a dynamic thing. If your feelings changed maybe it's time to move on.
Live. Just live.

April 04, 2020, 05:27:10 PM
Reply #6
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samsome369


hey gal, I deeply felt your despair from this side of internet :'(
we've all been a confused situation at some time, and this is what helped me when our relationship were at the lowest point.
I hope this will help you out ( and maybe all of you gals who's reading this) like it helped me.

bit.ly/HisStrangest-Desire

wish we all found our perfect relationship  :-*

 

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