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Author Topic: I am still madly in love with my ex; Should I reach out? PLS read details.

May 24, 2020, 05:41:22 AM
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maryjo


alright, to start, as the story goes on, there is a lot of guilt I carry about how I handled things, so please try not to judge, bc I recognize my wrongs!!

so i met my ex during my freshman year of college through a friend. they had gone to high school together and i met him over the phone whenever they would call. our personalities vibed right off the bat. we got each others numbers and started texting. I was going through a break up process, and he helped me emotionally reflect and process. he proved himself to be a fantastic friend, first and foremost. that always stood out to me. he and my friend surprised his arrival on campus one day, and we met for the first time. we knew we liked each other, but I didnt want to rush the relationship and he was so patient and good about it. after a few months, I felt ready and we began dating.

 


the relationship was FANTASTIC. even though it was long distance, we made it work perfectly. he treated me like gold. he did everything he could to make me happy & cared for my friends & family. we held the same values but had enough differences to balance each other out. we laughed together, supported each other, gave each other advice, and were just - happy. so happy. wed have occasional arguments, but we always used them to learn about each others differences and they were "healthy" fights. we almost reached a year of dating, and he broke up with me. his reasoning was unclear, so I pulled a movie move and went to his college as a surprise to talk to him. I knocked on his door without expecting it, and he was pleasantly surprised. he admitted he realized we were starting to get really serious, and he didnt know how to handle it considering he'd never been in a serious relationship before. we talked, and got back together. (no, he didnt feel forced, he said he just got spooked and is glad I fought for him). as we resumed our relationship, things grew and got so much better than we could have imagined; we were getting serious to the point of marriage talk and promise rings. we were SO in love... I still am.. :(

we resumed dating, and everything was back to the way it was, probably even better. but something happened. I had a guy FRIEND back at college, who my ex knew, met and liked, who expressed to me that he had feelings for me. we had been friends who had gotten closer over time; he was in a relationship himself that I helped him deal with, and that ended up ending. I told him I was in a happy relationship and nothing was going to come of it. a few weeks after that, I started to get paranoid - I felt like I was starting to develop feelings for this friend. it eventually got to a point where it was clear I liked him, and I didnt think it was fair to do that to my boyfriend. I spent weeks trying to suppress it, but it wouldnt go away. my boyfriend came to visit me one day, and wanted to give me a promise ring - I said no. I came clean about everything, and he wasn't angry, he was just confused. he appreciated my honesty and told me to think about everything. I turned it down because I didnt think it was okay to take it when I knew I had those feelings. eventually, we broke up. my ex understood, said he wasn't going anywhere, implied he'd wait for me, and wanted me to do what it is I had to do. he wanted me to do what made me happiest.

 


I pursued a new relationship with this guy friend, and we eventually began dating. little did I know it wasn't what I thought it would be. I left to study abroad and he reveled a side I didnt like. he would get really mad about who I was around during the trip and wanted to know what I was always doing. we had many nights where we would fight because he would be mad over little things. I came back from the trip and everything was okay, but we fought a lot; he would call me names (b word, c word, slut, whore, etc.) and insulted me a lot. one day he'd be so nice, the next he'd be mean. he would question why I would wear certain things, accused me of wearing makeup for other guys, and eventually wanted me to block my ex because he did not want us to communicate. (my ex and I were still talking evert so often just to ask how one another was doing) - I felt like I was trapped, so I did it. I blocked my ex. I shouldn't have.

after that, I found a way to still contact my ex through twitter and we still maintained contact, without my boyfriend knowing. I felt so guilty for doing it, but I felt like I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I did not know how to get out it, let alone I didnt feel ready to leave. we started a new school year, and things just felt wrong. the fighting was getting worse - he would get upset about if I was looking in the direction of any male, wanted to check my phone to see what I was doing, and started to get aggressive during arguments. things began falling apart. I was still talking to my ex and we would talk about getting back together, but I didnt know what to do. I was scared. my ex admitted he felt confused and implied there was too much back and forth. my friends and I began to have a falling out. essentially, this new relationship was isolating me. I didnt want to put my ex or my friends through the pain of the abuse and drama anymore, so I began to distance myself. one week I would talk to them, the next there would be no contact.eventually, it stopped. I decided to leave the relationship because I wanted my life back; my ex visited me during the break up and everything was okay, but I just ended up going back to this "guy friend relationship" why? I'm not sure. I still felt attached, and I felt.. under control. after this, my ex and I eventually stopped talking... its been a year now that we haven't spoken. things ended awkwardly.

 


and now, I'm here. im still in this relationship. the fights have gotten worse... they're aggressive.. the name calling, the insults..  one second he's good and the next he is angry at me for everything. he tells me to shut up, tells me I play the victim, and doesn't like my parents. he takes my phone to check it every time we see each other. and im broken. I feel broken. for a long time I've suppressed my desire for my ex and old friends, but for some reason, I have come to my senses and I desperately want them back. I have dreams almost every night about my ex, us getting back together, etc. I know I need to leave this relationship and pursue them again. but im afraid. im scared they will reject me based on how I treated them, and after breaking up with my boyfriend, I will be terribly alone. don't get me wrong, I want my ex back because... honestly, I love him. and I miss him for him, NOT just bc I feel lonely. I don't know though how he is going to react. I tell myself he might not trust me enough to convene a friendship or relationship again, but I want is so badly. we were serious and I could truly see myself spending my life with him. I want him back. my ex was always close with my family; recently, my mom congratulated him on his graduation and he responded telling her he had moved to our area for his job, hoped to see all of us, and told her to send ME congratulations on my graduation as well. I can't help but feel like he wouldnt go out of his way to say these things unless he cared... maybe its wishful thinking. my parents were FaceTiming some family friends and somehow they accidentally started calling my ex. while he didnt answer, he texted my mom saying he had missed the call and asked if everything was okay, if we needed anything, and ultimately said again he think it would be fun to see all of us. Two of my friends have also randomly reached out to me; one sent me a hand written letter and another texted me. they both said they miss me. I just need to find it within myself to leave this toxic relationship.

based on these details, do you think I should reach out and do you think there is a chance? I love him... and I don't see it going away. I tried moving on and I couldn't. he will always be on my heart and I will always believe he is the one...

 

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