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Author Topic: How can my partner and I talk about physical attraction and body modification?

April 22, 2019, 05:33:53 PM
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A little background: My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for almost 10 months, but we have known each other and been friends for about 4.5 years. Physical attraction is somewhat important to us (with the emotional connection taking priority) and we sometimes talk about our physical preferences. For example, he likes my hair long and asks for a heads up if I am going to cut it drastically, or I know that he doesn't like the look of facial piercings and I have told him that I have no interest in getting one, or how I think he looks nice without facial hair. They aren't rules, per se, because none of them would cause problems in our relationship, but they are just things that we are mindful of.
Now, my boyfriend currently has three decently sized tattoos, one on each shoulder and one on his right forearm. He had two of these before we started dating, and he got one a month into our relationship. I personally do not like most tattoos, and I find them a bit of a turn-off (props to anyone reading this that has tattoos, but they just aren't my thing). I can deal with the three that he has currently, but I am not excited by the prospect of any more. That said, we recently got into an argument about him wanting to get matching tattoos with his brother... tattoos of an anime character... or their buttcheeks. He told me this Thursday night with the intention of getting it done on Saturday. I told him that I didn't like the idea (the design or placement) and that it sounded like a bit of an impulse since he never really mentioned it before. He ended up deciding not to get the tattoo, but this has sparked a conversation about future tattoos, which has caused some stressful conversations to ensue. He has a minimum of 4 more tattoos planned (one of his left forearm, one on each upper arm, and one on his back). My biggest concern is the back tattoo he wants, which he says he wants to be huge and which is a design that doesn't complement his current tattoos. One thing that I have tried to reason with him on is that I will see this tattoo much more than he ever will, due to the placement on his back, and that I am not sure how I would feel about such an enormous tattoo covering up so much of his skin. I'm not saying that this would be a dealbreaker because I love him for so much more than his physical appearance, but this is a permanent decision of his that I would have to cope with for my entire life, as we have discussed the future in depth and do plan on getting married and spending our lives together.
Is there any way that I can discuss this with him without offending him or without telling him what to do? I know that he may very well get any of these tattoos done without my blessing, but I would like it we could discuss this as a couple before he gets any more very permanent tattoos.

April 22, 2019, 10:09:40 PM
Reply #1


I totally understand where you are coming from because I am currently in the same situation as you but in an earlier stage (and can imagine it getting to the point you are at right now). It is a bit different though because the genders are flipped but here is what I would do..

First, go in to the conversation with an open mind. I would even suggest going into it assuming that his actions aren't going to change (and know what your actions may or may not be with that outcome). Also know that controlling someone in a relationship creates a sort of resentment in the person being controlled; and you don't want that (if you want this to last)

Second, address the issue that you are having in a way that he can understand your point of view. maybe mention how this will affect you the same way it would affect him if you got a facial piercing. Maybe he will reconsider. or chose wisely with a couple more tattoos and planning them out instead of just getting them whenever he wants and eventually being covered in them.

Third, if he is doing things that you dont like, per se. Then, you do things that you want even though he might not like it. Im not saying go out and cheat or something. But if you want to get a piercing, get it. If you want to go out and party with girl friends, then do it. And I'm not saying to do this just to get revenge, but you have to make sure he knows that you are trying to live your life how you want to also, if he gets to do what he wants. If he says something about it, bring up the tattoos and say that he isn't compromising for your relationship so neither are you.

Again, im no expert but that would be how I would react to the situation. let me know if you dont understand anything I said because im not so good with typing.


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