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Author Topic: Found nudes from ex’s on boyfriend’s computer.

May 10, 2019, 03:18:26 AM
Read 1279 times


We’ve been dating since February 2018 and are currently living together. This past February I found nudes of ex girlfriends on his computer. He’s deleted them since and was super apologetic/cried/said it was a mistake. But he won’t talk about it at all. Every time I try to bring it up he just deflects the questions and gets noticeably uncomfortable. I want to talk about this with him because it’s been making me cry for months. I can’t get to a higher level of trust with him because of it. I feel like an ugly person for being jealous of nameless girls from his past. I don’t know what to do. How do I get over this situation? I don’t want to dwell on the past forever

May 10, 2019, 03:08:56 PM
Reply #1


I haven't been in your exact situation, but I have had a few topics that, in a certain relationship, have become more and more infected over time. It's become more and more difficult to talk about them because we've both been defensive from the start and all the past arguments have kind of risen to the surface. From your description, this sounds a bit like that.

My suggestion is, tell him how you feel about not being able to talk with him. It doesn't have to be a talk about the pictures, not at first. See if you can find a way to get his attention for, let's say, a minute; explain how not being able to talk about this issue makes you feel, and tell him that he doesn't need to answer straight away. Example:

"There's something I want to tell you, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me a minute. You don't have to give me any sort of reply and we don't have to talk anymore about this today, but I'd like you to know that I still feel really bad about (...) and it'd mean so much to me if we could talk this through together."

Although it's difficult, try to give him time. This might be really uncomfortable for him too, for reasons unknown to you or me, and he might not be ready to have the talk right then and there. Of course it's important for you to get to say what's on your mind, but I think you both need to be ready for it to have a good conversation about what happened and how it has affected you. And while you wait, do some soul-searching (if you haven't already). What does the jealousy stem from? Is it fear? Try to find this out for yourself first, so that you know at least a little bit better why this has affected you so badly.

May 11, 2019, 08:58:04 PM
Reply #2


Do you know if those pictures are recent or if they were from when he was dating them? Perhaps trying to ask that will ease your mind a bit. He may have had such a strong reaction because he was embarrassed, or he worries you won't trust him anymore. I think it's very important though to establish when those pictures were received. Tell him how his reluctance to talk about this is hurting you and upsetting you.

May 21, 2019, 09:53:10 PM
Reply #3


I hate you found them and understand that would be upsetting. Maybe they were really old? Maybe it’s similar to looking at porn - just happened to be readily available but doesn’t mean anything? I’d be careful about making sure he doesn’t save any of you though.


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