My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 5 kids together.  In the beginning he cheated on me.  I knew about some of it but he always convinced me he wasn't cheating.  It was easier to let it go but I always knew in the back of my mind.  I would bring it up every few months over the years just trying to get the truth out of him.  Til finally after about 16 or 17 years later he admitted it to me.  I swore up and down if he'd only be honest I'd drop it cause I just needed to know the truth so I could move on.  Well needless to say that wasn't true cause I can't let it go now.  I dwell on it so much to the point to where I'm secretly obsessed over it.  I want so bad to bring it up and talk about it with him. But I promised.  Now I'm finding it so very hard to trust him at all.  I'm on him about everything he does.  He doesn't mind it ..sometimes.  but I feel like if I don't stop it will drive us apart.  But I also feel like if I do stop he will cheat and I won't know.  So I'm just so frustrated right now and I don't know how to pull myself out of this.

Yes I still love him with all my heart but I'm worried I'll never be able to trust him again.  I also feel like if I bring it up to him he won't tell me anything in the future again.  So I just don't know what to do.  Yes we have considered marriage counseling just haven't taken the time to actually call to set it up.  Between job and kids we barely have time for anything and plus I'm not even sure if it would even work.  It's all so frustrating. Thank you for reading my post and for your advice.