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Author Topic: Ex's and Social Media

June 10, 2019, 09:12:48 PM
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LookingforAdvice


Hi everyone,

I am looking for some guidance and advice on this one....My boyfriend and I (both in our 30's) have been dating for two years. A year into the relationship he cheated on me with an ex girlfriend which completely broke my heart and devastated me. I tried to get past it and forgive him but in that processes I asked him to remove any ex girlfriends from social media as it was difficult to watch him like other women's photos after my heart had been broken so badly.  After asking him to remove one specific woman, he was very upset with me.  As he had hurt me before (and the one time cheating wasn't the only indiscretion), I did what I know was wrong and checked his phone. I noticed that he sent about 20 photos of this woman to himself (her in a bikini and various selfies - none of which he was in).  When I confronted him about this and told him that this really hurt me, he said I was over reacting and that he just wanted to keep these "special memories" because she is such a "kind hearted person.'' I tried to explain that this was very hurtful and that in a relationship these things shouldn't happen. He says he told his mother about this and she saw no problem with it.  I told him that I didn't think I was being unreasonable and that a lot of others may share my feelings.  He's told me that he cares about me but she's the only woman whose given him butterflies.  This woman lives in another country.  In addition to these photos, I also found one of an ex girlfriend's almost bare behind that he had taken a screenshot of from her social media. Am I unreasonable feeling hurt and upset?  He says he's not sorry because he hasn't done anything wrong. Any guidance or advice would be appreciated.

June 11, 2019, 02:16:24 PM
Reply #1
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Yuliya


Hi! You have every right to feel hurt and upset, you are not unreasonable. Reading your story I understand that your boyfriend is still not over his ex or maybe there's something (a feeling of butterflies perhaps) that holds him locked on the past. You did well that you asked him directly about this. Do you think it's a good idea to tell him that you care for him and your relationships, but you are hurting and wish that he'd be willing to take this step towards you? Maybe ask him what he thinks would make your relationship better and what is he ready to do for it from his side. What does he need from your side? Or what do you think? Can you find it in you to keep working on these relationships?

June 11, 2019, 06:50:39 PM
Reply #2
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LookingforAdvice


Hi Yuliya,

Thanks for reading my post and for your advice and thoughtful response. I have shared with him openly that his actions have a significant impact on me.  The cheating, the emailing himself photos of ex's, the saving photos of other women's behinds, the constant likes of other women's photos, they all break my heart in ways he doesn't understand. When I try to share how I'm feeling and be very open and vulnerable with him, he is cold towards me or gets angry. These things impact the way I feel about him and the way I feel about myself. It's difficult to feel beautiful or loved when he's doing these things.  When asked what he needs from me, he tells me I need to "chill" and "just be cool." I would do anything to make him understand how I'm feeling and to make this work.  :-(

June 12, 2019, 12:40:07 PM
Reply #3
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Yuliya


Hi! I understand how difficult it must be for you. But you need to remind yourself from time to time that whatever he is going through, whatever things he can't let go - it's his issues, not yours. Your readiness to work it through despite the pain shows your great strength, but what needs to be clarified is his readiness to do something from his side. As brave and strong as you may be, and just as loving, if only one party is willing to do the work, sooner or later it will come to an end. He has to understand that, it has to be made clear to him in non-accusatory loving way, yet firm enough to show you're serious. Does he realise that if no steps are taken then this relationship might be over? Please stay strong, you deserve a man who cares about you in word and in deed.

 

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