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Author Topic: Do I tell my boyfriend of 3 years that I was raped 2 years ago?

October 20, 2019, 07:32:17 PM
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needhelp12


Hi
I have been dating the greatest guy for almost three years, but I have lied to him about a terrible situation for almost 2 years. For background, my SO and I met at university and he studied abroad his senior year for a semester. During his semester abroad I was at a Christmas party with some friends from my class. I had too many shots and the friends I had came with left without me. Some guys in my class had offered to take me home. I take them up on their offer and instead of bringing me to my house as I had told them to, they dropped me off at one of the guy's houses and left. I knew this guy had a crush on me and I knew I should have gotten out of the situation.
I think I blacked out because I do not remember much from the night after this. I remember falling asleep at his house and him waking me up by kissing me. I told him no and he stopped briefly. I then remember him trying again and I told him to slow down and he stopped. He tried a third time and he continued to have sex with me and I was too drunk/out of it for a fight. I woke up the next with the worst shame I've ever felt and threw up. I called my SO and sobbed on the phone. He was at a party in Italy at the time and he was asking me what was wrong. I told him that another guy had kissed me last night. I didn't have the nerve to tell him the rest because I felt so much shame and guilt. He asked me if anything else happened with anger on his face and I felt so much shame in the moment that I said no and lied to his face. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like the worst person in the world. He told me it wasn't my fault, but I never told him that this man had sex with me.
I think about this lie every day of my life. Right now I am working abroad and we are in long distance again. He flies across the world to see me in a week and it is also around the same time of year when the assault happened. I can't help but think, what if I had told him the truth? If I tell him the truth, will it just hurt him more than if he had never known? Is lying more hurtful to our relationship? Will he be more hurt that I lied to him about it for years than what actually happened? Is there even a point in telling him other than relieving my conscious?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

October 24, 2019, 02:15:08 AM
Reply #1
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Sabyasachi


Hey brave soul! Listen, i know it was a pathetic and painful experience for you. Many girls face this type of harassment but can't te anyone out of fear.  Im glad that you have opened up.
My suggestion is tell your bf everything. Love is all about understanding caring nourishing and protecting your partner.so if your guy really loves you he will understand the situation and support you physically and mentally to overcome this incident.tell him it will help
And remember one thing : the rapist is the criminal not you! So dont punish yourself.
Sabya༎ຶ‿༎ຶ

October 31, 2019, 06:20:15 PM
Reply #2
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Bnice


Let me start off by saying that I am so very sorry that happened to you. It was NOT your fault so don't ever think that for a moment!! If you truly love your boyfriend and you trust him, you must tell him. He needs to know and understand what has happened so that he can be there for you emotionally.  I was raped years ago by a classmate who I thought was a decent guy. I didn't report it to the police but I did tell my therapist and eventually my sister, who were both very supportive and helpful. I got married almost two years ago but before I married my husband, I told him what happened to me years ago. He reacted way better than I thought he would and immediately went into protective mode. When something like that happens, it can do tremendous damage. It can cause intimacy issues. If you do not tell your boyfriend, he may think that your intimacy issues are because of him. And no matter how long ago the attack was, it is NEVER too late to get help. You can never get past something like this but you can learn how to deal with it. I wish you the best of luck!

October 31, 2019, 07:15:03 PM
Reply #3
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Quutamo


Hi,
I'm really sorry, you've been through a nightmare and no wonder you are confused and unsure what to do.
If you love your SO you should tell him what happened, I have no doubt that he will understand and support your healing. The longer you keep it a secret from him, the more it will harm you, after all we all want someone we can trust and who can trust us.
I'm not sure how he would react, he might be angry or upset that you haven't told him straight away, but you both will work it out, and I promise you, you have nothing to be ashamed of and once you tell him, you'll feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders.
Stay strong, I believe in you.
Sending you all my love,
Quutamo.
You know who's gonna give you everything?
Yourself.

November 01, 2019, 08:34:42 AM
Reply #4
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SteveJ87


First of all, my deepest sympathies.

I agree with other posters in this thread: tell him. If he really is a great guy, he won't hold it against you and understand that you lied because you were ashamed.

Some other things:
  • Did you get yourself tested for STDs?
  • Get professional help if you haven't done so already.
  • Think about talking to the police about it as well.

November 04, 2019, 01:31:29 AM
Reply #5
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Basicpanda


You should. If anything he'd be hurt you didn't tell the full truth sooner. Honesty is big in my relationship and my boyfriend never judges me for anything, just gets upset when I don't tell him things.

November 05, 2019, 04:51:24 AM
Reply #6
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Captain Black


I am also sorry to learn of your very traumatic experience and hope you are well as can be.

But going to your question , I think you should. It will help him understand more and support you .Should things not quite work out for you say in the bedroom at some future time he will have a better understanding .

December 01, 2019, 12:30:08 AM
Reply #7
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candigurl0817


Oh my god, really sorry that happened to you it's a really sad and sick world we live in. I definitely recommend telling your boyfriend.

March 07, 2020, 01:09:06 AM
Reply #8
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samsome369


hi gal, I was in your shoes before. and here's an article that really helped me when I was struggling at the bottom.
I hope it could give you some enlightenment and inspiration like it helped me  :)

http://back.ly/Ay4dc

wish you have a great future with your loved one.

June 21, 2020, 02:44:00 PM
Reply #9
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Psychic Healer Kenneth


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September 29, 2020, 08:03:01 AM
Reply #10
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Daydreaming


Girl know what? I was too sexually assaulted before. But I chose not to say anything as it will not help to have shadow cast over this current relationship if this relationship is ok. Despite many here advices u to do so but I think somethings are better off left unsaid. U are worthy of better things and a future no point having this in your boyfriend's mind..cos he might think it's you are a problem which many many times we women do not have such intentions of inviting sexual advances. But meanwhile u might want to seek a professional counselling session if that event still makes u feel uncomfortable. Hugs!!

September 29, 2020, 04:22:38 PM
Reply #11
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kaykaykay


I think you should tell him but lets be honest he might see you in a different light even though it was not your fault.
So I would prepare yourself for the worst and dont take on any blame he projects at you.
Also did you report this to the police? This can not be accepted, you know this person and you should make sure he is brought to justice or he will continue to harm others.

 

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