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Author Topic: Difference in sexual chemistry and drive! Concerned about the future.

December 12, 2019, 12:07:44 PM
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Hieijaganshi8


Hello everyone!

I’m new to the forum nice to meet all of you.

So I have been with my GF for about 3 years now and we love each other a ton. There’s not any reason I could think of to leave or want to ever leave her. However, I have a very high sex drive and hers isn’t really on par with mines.

Over time we’ve had multiple conversations and fallouts over certain things with this. Overtime I’ve learned how to deal with it for the most part.

My thing is, she wants to move in with each other around March/April and wants me to marry her In January, but there’s still some things that I want to be assured of before I take those steps.

She’s had traumatic experiences in the past that effects her in various areas in her life (I.e sex life) and we are trying to see a councilor but we’ve been so busy lately.

Bottom line though, she’s asked me to be patient with her on trying to get better with things and I have been but time is moving forward and she wants me to do things that I’m not 100% sure about right now.

What would you do in this situation?

P.S

My issue is, we have sex regularly and it’s good, but sex feels very systematic with her which is a bummer for me because I can predict how mostly everything will go which is very boring to me.

I’ve given her ideas and tried to be nice about telling her I need more energy, spontaneity, and input. She’ll say she understands but I feel like she’ll change for a time and then revert back to the system.

I don’t want to leave her but I don’t know what to do about this cycle I’m in.

And things are a bit more complex than just what I wrote about, but I didn’t want to write an essay to start out.

Just thinking about it all is pretty stressful.

Any and all contributions to help are greatly appreciated. Thank you guys

December 19, 2019, 01:48:19 PM
Reply #1
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Sophie26


You should read my first post, it was a bit of an essay! Don't worry about the quantity of detail, an informed advice post is better than one which is less informed ;)

I was in a similar situation as yourself. I felt my husband was neglecting me, and our sex life was suffering. Certain steps have taken place, and we are in a great position right now, but that won't help you here.

I will say this, a healthy sex life is important, and both partners need to enjoy it. Two people rarely have the same drives and desires, and so most of the time, the partner with the lower sex drive dictates the frequency of sex. Which is how it should be. If someone doesn't want sex, that really needs to be respected. However, your partner needs to be respected and fulfilled too. And your gf really needs to get an understanding of that.

If she is wanting to move in/get married, she is really in love with you. And I would say she owes it both to herself, and you, to do the work required that she needs to get her in a place where she will want that active sex life.

If you marry her, and she doesn't remedy this, you could end up resenting her. Which could even lead to you being unfaithful. Which could destroy her. And right now, that is the last thing you want.

You need to find a way of getting her to understand what could happen if this is left unchecked. She might have it in her head that marriage will fix things, but it will only be a temporary band aid at best.

Feel free to post more details if you would like, so we know what we are working with.

Best of luck! x

March 07, 2020, 01:08:34 AM
Reply #2
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samsome369


hi gal, I was in your shoes before. and here's an article that really helped me when I was struggling at the bottom.
I hope it could give you some enlightenment and inspiration like it helped me  :)

http://back.ly/Ay4dc

wish you have a great future with your loved one.

March 14, 2020, 07:10:56 PM
Reply #3
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Calliecorp25


Hello!

I’m new to the forum too...and surprisingly going through a very similar situation to you, but I’m on the other side of things.

My significant other has a very high sex drive and lately we have had some tension regarding it. We just recently talked about how moving in together might solve the issue (we are both in traveling jobs and don’t technically live anywhere). So having sex for us is a challenge BUT regardless of that situation, we have plenty of time alone with each other and still are having issues.

You may not be doing some of the things my SO does, but hopefully me talking about them will give you some insight on how she might feel. From my point of view, I like to think I have a normal sex drive. However, when there is a constant dialogue about sex (aka it coming up in every conversation, some how, some way) then I am going to be turned off A LOT. I want to have those moments that there’s a natural build up. It doesn’t seem so wanted and pushed.

Also, I’ve noticed that, yes, having sex “regularly” is great. But, when we spend so much time together then it almost becomes a routine which that doesn’t feel very natural at all either. Getting those times where you’re apart, building up that “missing you” aspect, maybe even sexting, tends to get rid of that systematic feel to everything. As a dramatic example, to me, I would rather have sex, once every 2 weeks and have the feelings be built up or it be so fun and spontaneous than have sex every single day. It means so much more to me.

Lastly, having an extremely open dialogue has made me feel a lot better and revved up my sex drive. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but there was a point where I had to tell my SO that constantly poking & attempting to arouse me randomly was not working. But we were able to have a very detailed conversation about what we both needed from each other. Even after our first conversation, I can see where I am lacking and he understands my side of things more that I feel more comfortable continuing with one of his advances to have sex or he is willing to wait for me to initiate.

Unfortunately, our sex problems haven’t really been solved. And just recently, I decided that I was not comfortable with moving in with my SO because it seemed like just a solution to a problem and not the next step for our relationship. I think these issues could be an small insight into a bigger problem. I would say not moving in together just yet and learning to create a healthy sex life and healthier relationship overall is a great idea.

I hope this helps a little!

 

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