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Author Topic: Boyfriend texting ex behind my back

March 28, 2019, 02:28:04 PM
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I've been with my boyfriend for the last year and a half. Our relationship is amazing, I've felt loved and appreciated constantly and we very rarely argue. Admittedly my trust issues aren't rock solid, I've come from a broken family as my parents split up about 5 years ago after my dad was fond to have cheated for the majority of their marriage. Despite this, I've felt safe with my boyfriend and other than the occasional bout of jealousy I've felt overall very secure. In his friendship group, he's seen as the 'loyal' one and he's been in several long-term relationships before me. It's important to mention, he occasionally suffers from depression which I've helped him through and together we have started to get a handle on it all.

There's just one problem. He has a female friend who I haven't liked since the outset. She's always gone out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable and I've had a horrible gut feeling about her since I met her. My boyfriend was aware of how she made me feel, and agreed she could 'be very off sometimes'. My negative feelings towards this girl have grown stronger and stronger (he recently hired her to do social media for his company, as they have been friends for a while and he knows she would do a good job). I had no issue with this, as far as I knew they were friends and he's entitled to hire who he likes. But my feelings seeing her constantly pop up on his phone (messages were predominately work related) were really getting to me and in a moment of desperation (that I massively regret and am ashamed of) I picked up his phone and scrolled through his messages.

What I saw broke me - I scrolled back a few weeks and despite the majority of messages being about work, between these they were referencing when they were together. They had had a short fling before he had met me, and he hadn't told me about it despite me clearly saying I had a weird feeling about her. What's more, the messages were shocking, e.g. how much she would charge him for her 'services' to his company and him claiming maybe she should discount since they've slept together etc all in a joke-ing way but underlying flirting). There were a few other messages that were along these lines too, so I presume it was a running joke they referenced frequently behind my back. To make things worse, he had followed this up with asking her 'not to tell' me as I have no idea what has gone on. They had been messaging a lot more recently than they had in the past, potentially speaking to her as much as he was speaking to me (mostly about work, but still a lot of communication). Worth noting, this girl has integrated herself into his friendship group and there would be no escaping her should I move forward with things.

Though he hasn't physically cheated, I feel incredibly disrespected and hurt that he would joke about something he knows would affect me so bad, especially with someone he knows has deliberately made me feel uncomfortable. Ultimately, I'm just not sure I could trust him anymore. He's told me it means absolutely nothing, he has no feelings for her and he's willing to cut off her work at his company.

Would love any advice

March 30, 2019, 09:49:39 PM
Reply #1


This is difficult because you have evidence but have also done something wrong by snooping. Maybe if you sat him down and made your feelings clear that you are uncomfortable with this girl and ask questions to give him the opportunity to be honest about his past with her? If he continues to lie then you will know. It is difficult even if he has not cheated (physically) but if he cant be honest then how can you trust him in future? This will constantly be playing on your mind. I do think your feelings or truth will come out eventually, the fact that you know about this. I hope this works out for you xo

March 31, 2019, 01:35:06 AM
Reply #2


Overall, it is a matter of respect. Whether or not he is doing anything with her, his messages are disrespectful to you and if he doesn't realize that then he has an issue with boundaries. Not telling you they had had a thing after you told him she made you uncomfortable and then going ahead to hire her because "she would do a good job" is a red flag. Lots of people out there would also do a good job if given the opportunity.

Let him see it from your point of view if it was you chatting with an ex in such a manner, what would his reaction be? You should both have a long talk about this and try to build back the trust while he works on learning what boundaries are and respecting them

March 31, 2019, 09:11:10 AM
Reply #3


If your boyfriend really loves you he will stay himself away from that girl so that there will be no more issue between you and that girl or any conflict at all.

March 31, 2019, 04:08:55 PM
Reply #4


Give him a choice and be firm he either deletes and removes her or your gone . Let him choose

April 02, 2019, 09:00:52 AM
Reply #5


This is a difficult situation, and I apologize for that.

a couple things come to my mind. I too have had similar chats with coworkers or friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship, however that doesnt mean my feelings are not genuine for the person I am in a relationship with and I wouldnt go any further than what I justify as "mindless flirty"

HOWEVER, if the roles were reversed, I would be hurt and see those actions as disrespectful and it would make me question the feelings my significant other has.

It has taken some time & maturity for me to understand that I cant have it all. That mindless flirting, makes me feel good in the moment, but it isnt respectful to the other in the relationship. If I expect 100% commitment & respect and the amazing relationship I dream off, I have to give it as well.

That being said, I can see both sides of this. However, at some point someone has to sacrifice superficial feelings for meaningful ones that an actual relationship can build. I think it's time your man grows up & understands this. Maybe it's time you put your foot down & help him understand. That behavior is wrong and disrespectful to you and you will not put up with it. Expect that he gets upset that you were "snooping" unfortunately it will most likely turn into an argument, however it will give a chance for feelings to be exposed & maybe after a few days & emotions are subsided you can have a real conversation about it.


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