Hi, so I’m in a very indecisive state and I think receiving tips anonymously is my best bet. I’ve spoken to family members, friends, counselors and they all say different things. I even tell myself different things. I just don’t know what to process anymore or what to do for the best interest of myself.

I want to start off by saying I have not been a saint in my past. I have very toxic maneuvers to get around my relationships, friendships, and because of that, I basically am left with no one left to speak to because I’ve probably done them wrong verbally to a point where they no longer want anything to with me. I understand that and have been going to counseling to better myself and while I feel it’s been hard and I’ve slipped up a few times, I could honestly say I’m improving. One of the reasons I was going to counseling as well was to better my relationship with my first boyfriend who I’ve been with for a little over a year and who I live with. I was always in love with the idea of falling in love and I met the man who I thought was the one. I still think he may be the one, but I’m scared that I’m just being naive and that what certain people tell me is true and would give them the best opportunity to say “I told you so”. But deep down I want to believe in the power of love and want years from now to say “wow i can’t believe we’ve grown so much” about my relationship.

My boyfriend has a problem with viewing other women to a point that it hurts me and makes me feel crazy. I started getting crazy and controlling I feel like, because of this. I know it’s weong and I should blame myself for my own actions and behavior, but I am constantly wondering what my boyfriend is doing on his phone, what girl on instagram is he looking at innapropriately and what is he watching. Long story short, we’ve had many many fights and many “I want to break up!!!” fights, but I think we are always just angry with each others actions. These past two months have been a game changer because I’m realizing a lot of the stuff I thought about him in the past were basically all lies. I want to give several examples.

I once was snooping on his phone and saw a folder on his email labeled “the love of my life” that he saved himself. I was shocked when I saw the the photos of the girl weren’t me.. When asked, he accused me of me controlling his lifestyle (how i want him to stay free of drugs and cigarettes) and I almost forgot about it. He told me that they went to high school together and that she was just a crush and that he saved them to jerk off to her at a later time, but that it was a while ago and he completely forgot about it. Two weeks later, when I caught a secret instagram account where he would like other women’s pictures (because he knows I have access to his personal account), I asked him for total honestly and asked who the girl really was. And that’s when he confessed that she had been a tinder hookup before he met me and that she and him only met one night, made out and that was it.

He’s also been caught by me that he was texting other people venting to them about how this new girl at work was “fucking amazing” and that she lives a cooler lifestyle than the one he has with me (referring to her smoking and partying). Once I’ve sat him down and asked him if he wants to continue a relationship with me or perdue other things, he always tells me that he just misses his old lifestyle, but knows Im having the best intentions for him and wants to do better.

There have been so many times where his lies have caused me to not trust him, I slowly regain my trust in him, and then I snoop because something seems off and then I see something that ruins the trust. I’ve had a fair share of problems in the past with finances, so I’m trying to gather myself up as well, but I feel like I’m his mother and I’m trying everything in my power to
keep him away from evil temptations that lead to drug abuse or things that hurt my confidence such as lurking online to view other women.

We went to a councilong together and the counselor mentioned “porn addiction” because one of my problems with him also is that I don’t like him watching porn, which is sneaks, even when he’s in the bathroom literally ten feet away from our bed, with the door shut.

So now we’re on a subject that he’s “addicted to porn” and while I do feel like that may be a possibility, I don’t see how creating an instagram page to give other women attention with “likes” is porn.. How viewing his ex’s pictures and masturbating to women he once knew in his life and is fantasizing about can contribute to that. I would understand if he was addicted to a certain website that shows some hot stuff in his eyes. But it’s that, and the fact that he gives other women attention. I recently caught him in another lie and after weeks of gaining trust, it’s been crushed again so i’ve been distancing myself from him but he makes me feel so sad and last night I thought it was clever to have sex with him and give into my craving just to remind him what he’s missing. When we were finished I whispered in his ear “don’t forget what you’ve got, when you got it”, cleaned myself and went to bed. I did it in a way to hurt him and he seemed so sad and was like “I thought we were trying now and I’ve told you I’ll change and I thought I was doing great things because you finally let me kiss you” so I felt bad and that’s when we talked about a porn addiction and that the longest he hadn’t watched porn was in 2 weeks.

Certain people say to distance myself emotionally from him, but continue cohabiting so that i can find a way to
financially sustain myself on my own. But I fear that me trying to keep helping him, and trying to find him therapists and staying near him, I’m just hurting myself even more. I want to let go but I don’t know how to and I feel guilty for even thinking of it, even though I know he’s hurt me so much.

He has such a sweet personality and gives me those eyes and ever since I’ve started letting him kiss me, he’s catching me back into the game of trusting him. But i just don’t want to be hurt anymore and I tell him that I’mm “bulletproof” now and Im even posting more provocative pictures on social media (not any self degrading ones, of course) to remind him just what he’s missing out on and he gets sad to me and says “i’m so scared that another man is going to
message you and you will respond.. please! i’m changing” but i just don’t know what to believe anymore.

I know that was long, but that was a long story short. And I just don’t know what to do.