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Author Topic: Boyfriend has done a complete 180 and not might be who I thought - what do I do?

June 14, 2019, 08:51:11 PM
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toouncertain


My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 weeks now. We had already known each other for a while before we discovered our mutual feelings, so we had a solid friendship already – we had already spent a lot of time talking about past relationships, our neuroses and other personal things and had a high comfort level with each other. Our feelings were very intense from the start and we were immediately all over each other – affectionate and lovey dovey both together and over text and we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I’d experienced the high that comes with a new relationship but absolutely nothing like this - he was so passionate and excited about me and as an affectionate person I was absolutely eating it up.

Over the past week and a half or so it’s died down abruptly and considerably. 2 weeks ago he told me he sleeps so much better when he’s able to hold me – the last time we slept together (the first time we were able to since he told me that) he didn’t even drape an arm over me. A week ago we’d hang out and he’d have his arm around me the entire time – the past few times we’ve hung out he’s not initiated any affection whatsoever. We don’t get to see each other terribly often, and he’s cancelled plans to hang out a couple times saying he needed some solo time (which was disappointing but understandable). The pet names stopped; the messaging first stopped. It all just kind of stopped. Hanging out feels like hanging out with a friend. I knew the intensity would calm down eventually, but boy did it do that in a hurry.

I was starting to get a little bit anxious that something was up, so we had a conversation yesterday. I told him that I don’t necessarily have a problem with the new level of affection and that I respect and relate to his need for alone time, but just that the abruptness of how things slowed down was alarming and I was hoping he could be honest with me if there was something he wanted to talk about. He opened up and said that he’s naturally a loner and is used to spending a lot of time alone, so once the euphoria wears off he quickly diverts back to how he was before. He also explained that he’s not a naturally affectionate person and that the way we had been was a bit overwhelming for him (which is strange for me because I was following his lead as far as that goes – I thought he genuinely was just like that). He said he’s in his own head so much that he just doesn’t always really think about giving affection. He also mentioned that this did cause problems in his previous long-term relationship. Having known him previously I do believe that this may just be the way he is, but it's so hard to comprehend how someone would lose their instinct to give any affection so fast.

I thanked him for opening up and giving me the opportunity to learn about him – I told him I didn’t need him to change himself for me, but I am an affectionate person and do really desire it to some degree when in relationships. He said he would try to find it in him to be more affectionate and also added that he goes through cycles where he’ll feel like being more exuberantly affectionate. We reaffirmed that he still feels good about our relationship.

I wish I felt better, but now I just have tons of questions and uncertainty. It was so hard to go from 100 mph to basically 0 and I’m finding myself feeling touch starved when I’m around him – I try to initiate but he doesn’t react. I can’t help but feel like I was lied to when he told me all of the wonderful things he feels about me. He made himself out to be a very passionate, romantic person (he called himself a “walking rom com”) and has now essentially said the opposite. I’m worried I’m going to spend the relationship pining after the person I thought I was getting, and if he truly does cycle through varying degrees of being affectionate, am I going to spend the good times worrying about when it stops? Am I expected to just be ok if he needs to disappear for a while and be alone except for when he feels like having me around? Why have a girlfriend if you just want to be alone? Is this all normal? Will my needs be met? And most of all, does he actually care or have any shred of enthusiasm about me that he seemed to have just a couple weeks ago?

I know I need to evaluate if this is something that I really want. I’ve invested so much emotionally into this relationship in a short period of time and I really genuinely like him and enjoy being around him, so I would like for this to work out. My questions for you all are these:
  • Is his behavior normal?
    If you have dated someone like this, how did you navigate it?
    How much time would you give for things to improve before you give a serious thought to ending the relationship?
    Am I overreacting?
    How else would you recommend I proceed?

Tl;dr My boyfriend and I’s relationship started out intense and passionate and that abruptly stopped. I kindly asked him about it and he confessed he’s actually a loner and not naturally affectionate despite claiming/portraying himself to be otherwise. I feel lied to and am wondering how to proceed since I genuinely like him and would like to make this work if I can.

August 17, 2019, 10:14:32 PM
Reply #1
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Sad417years


 It sounds a bit to me like bi-polar. Perhaps your boyfriend should see a doctor. I had a friend who behave just like that. He couldn't keep a girlfriend because they thought he was cheating. I know her was not, but I also know that he did treat his ladies different in about there weeks into the relationship. He did see a doctor and yep, he was diagnosed as being bi-polar polar. Now he handles it and is in a great relationship.

August 18, 2019, 11:50:49 PM
Reply #2
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Aboubakr


Maybe he has some special needs that you didn't satisfy so he lost the meaning in the relationship, if you really like him try to figure out his ultimate needs and by satisfying them, he will be fulfilled in the relationship and thereby want to stay with you, I've heard about a need called the hero instinct that has the power to subconsciously control men here is an article that may hold the solution for you http://bit.ly/2KJ6pOV
Hello I'm interested in sharing and getting advice in the world of relationships, I'm ready to share all the things I learned along my experience and would like also to learn new things about relationships.

August 20, 2019, 06:43:50 AM
Reply #3
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chrishen


Think about your own boundaries. If you are someone who likes affection then put yourself ahead of everything else. Especially 7 weeks in. That's not a lot of time to start compromising. Thats short, even for a honeymoon phase.

Align whats happening with your boundaries and try to come to a logical decision, while trying to avoid your brains emotional biases. I'd also be interested to know how much investment, time, energy he is putting into being with you in general. Investment is something that should always be looked at as a woman when dating.

August 24, 2019, 01:07:53 PM
Reply #4
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Jamesw742


Find out who truly he his with required help and expertise.
have been in your position before with my ex-wife.

She said she was sorry and that she would stop immediately, but even since then condoms have been mysteriously disappearing and reappearing in her purse. I want to forgive her, in my heart I have, but in my head I need to get out. The only thing keeping her with me is that I think all she wants is the house we live in. We bought it in November of 2013 using my retirement savings for the down payment. She brought absolutely no money into the purchase of the house, which didn't bother me at the time, but now I feel like she is just going to screw me right out of my house (which doesn't even feel like home for me anymore) and my future, but thanks to
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