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Author Topic: Blaming his infidelity on his mental health

June 16, 2020, 09:20:38 AM
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I am absolutely crushed and I feel totally lost. Sorry this is a long one.

The last 18 months I've been through a really difficult time. But I've managed to build a relationship with a man that I thought was amazing. We went through a lot together. Stood by each other and finally came out the other end.

But my reality came crashing back down yesterday.

I was in a lot of turmoil last year. My paranoia got out of control and he always found a way to reassure me nothing was happening.

Yesterday I found the full proof my paranoia was real. His on off relationship with his ex had never ended.

I contacted her. And she told me everything.
Throughout our whole relationship they were in regular contact. They would share Very intimate videos and pictures. Wank off with each other. Right up until the end of last year until she finally called it off.

Me and him would be on a day out and he had been texting her, showing pictures of our day out and telling her he was on his own. Denying I existed to her.

Everytime I got paranoid he denied it. Told me my paranoia would be the end of the relationship. Meanwhile he would tell the same thing to her. They only met once last year and didn't have sex.

When we were viewing homes together he would send photos of those homes to her. Share videos of his children with her.

Onyl 3 weeks ago he tried to instigate a meet up with her telling her he wanted a naughty cuddle. She shut him down because she had moved on.

Now he has been absolutely weeping to me. I've never seen him like this. He says he's not making promises he's actually going to make actions. He's seeking help for his mental health. He's previously diagnosed anxiety but the last doctor said he is probably actually BPD.

I feel absolutely sick, feel like our whole relationship is a lie. And I wish it was easy to walk away.

But it's not that easy when you love someone and you know they are troubled. He is absolutely sobbing to me saying he knows he's treated me wrong and he will do everything to get the help he needs. He thinks his behaviour is from a deep rooted rejection in his childhood, and now he seeks attention from others. He doesn't know why he continued with his ex and deeply regrets it.

I know I should walk away. I'm facing so many lies. Don't know how I could ever trust anyone again let alone him.

Yet I love him so much. I know without the lies the life we lead is perfect, we fit so well together. Without this it would be forever. Just don't know how to stand by him, even though he has shown me he is already getting help. I'm just lost as to how I act next.

June 21, 2020, 09:05:11 AM
Reply #1


Struggling with mental health is difficult, and can weaken your resolve to behave well. But he cannot blame this completely on his mental health. He chose to do this, knowing that it was wrong and that it would hurt you. It's up to you whether you forgive him. But I would make sure that he's serious about rectifying this so it never happens again. It would not be unreasonable for you to request some counselling together to help you to figure this out. Personally I would also require that he admitted that he was at fault - and not blame this completely on his mental health. Until then,  I wouldn't be able to take his apology seriously, because it wouldn't really be an apology. It would be an excuse.

It's really up to you whether you think you could trust him again, but he has to prove to you that he's serious about making things right and regaining your trust. I hope you manage to figure things out. Leaving is an option. There is no reason why you couldn't find love elsewhere if this relationship is irreparable.

June 24, 2020, 01:20:43 PM
Reply #2


I have anxiety and BPD and I have never nor will I ever cheat and lie to someone I love. BP affects your moods but it doesn’t control your behavior. He needs to take responsibility for what he did and not use mental illness as an excuse. He also needs to seek treatment if he really does have a mental illness. He is upset now bc he got caught and his ex wants nothing to do with him so he has no recourse but to try and gain your sympathy. If you want to stay with him, def have get treatment and therapy to sort everything out. But never allow someone to use mental illness as an excuse for lying and cheating. He is still responsible for his behavior.


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