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Author Topic: Am I in a toxic relationship? Or am I reading too into the signs?

March 15, 2020, 12:08:15 AM
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Calliecorp25


Hey everybody!

I’ve never been on a discussion board before, but I find myself so lost in my relationship and the “red flags” that I’m starting to worry maybe I’m exaggerating them or that I really am in a toxic relationship. I think I need a truly unbiased opinion!!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We hit it off the second we met and the first few months were absolute bliss. We both met at our job that we recently had just started, so we both were kind of starting new lives, in a new city. He is originally from out of the country but he has been living in NYC for the past 7 years.

Over the past several months, I’ve noticed a pattern of having a few good days, then a really really bad day. And its become this cycle that we can’t break. We had been talking about moving in together and when we finally found an apartment that worked, I had a huge moment where a few “red flag” signs I’ve just kind of pushed aside really came to the forefront of my mind and made me really think if I should move in with him or even continue this relationship. The following are red flags (as short as I can describe them) that I’m seeing but I am being told that I am wrong about.

- I told my boyfriend within the first month of dating that my last relationship was a marriage that ended in divorce. He randomly told me 3 months later that he had been divorced as well, besides being told “she cheated on him,” that is the extent of what I know about anything related to any of his past relationships. He told me he just doesn’t like to talk about his past. I am also unsure of a lot of gaps or details about his personal story that I would think he’d naturally be able to tell me. Which leads me to my second flag....

- All he talks about his past are these things that are very menial and come off as bragging. He met this person, he has this fancy watch, he used to have the most exclusive credit card, he had a fancy car, he’s been on these fancy trips with his rich friends. And he does it in front of other people too. It means so much more to people and me to connect on a stronger emotional level than just grand, expensive things. He told me that all I have to do is tell him when he’s bragging and he’ll stop, as a fix....Well, I’ve already talked to him about this once.

- From my perception, my boyfriend likes to play sick when he doesn’t get his way. I think after 80% or more of the arguments we’ve had, the next day he will have a headache, stomach ache, his heart will hurt (he told me he has a pretty serious heart condition in which he hasn’t gone to the doctor for once or taken any medicine since I’ve started dating him), etc. ***We were traveling together and initialing didn’t get seats together so we asked the person in between us to switch, the person said no. Well, 30 minutes into the flight my boyfriend mysteriously fainted (mind you, he is a flight attendant), and guess what? The guy felt so awkward and obligated to move that my boyfriend and I ended up sitting together. When I talked to him about this, he said he literally has gotten sick every single occasion I brought up to him.

Without going into description, here are a few others....

- We literally do everything together, I never feel like i have alone time
- I’ve never met his friends back in NYC, but he’s gone without me multiple times and met my family
- He’s tried taking things of mine from me, like gift cards, presents given to me, he now uses my car without asking me
- I don’t really like how he talks or treats people. He tends to neglect basic principles of respect and thinks he is above some general being a nice person rules
- I’ve gotten yelled at by him for doing very nice person/roommate things. He’s very tuned into, if it doesn’t support his gain, then don’t do it.

I’m sorry if that is a lot. Every single one of these points has a completely logical reason and an easy fix in his mind. When I was expressing my concerns recently, he seemed to be WAY calmer than I expected and wanted to actually sit and talk about it. Which is confusing me even more because usually he can get pretty moody and mean when we are trying to have a constructive conversation. Could him acting nice all of a sudden be a last ditch effort to keep me around because he senses I’m almost out the door? Am I being too dramatic and reading too into things? Why am I feeling like maybe he’s telling the truth but at the same time there is so much I’m unsure about? Are these signs of a narcissist and/or toxic relationship?

Please! Any advice would help!

March 15, 2020, 06:11:37 PM
Reply #1
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Tony


I will give you a perspective but this will have to be your decision entirely.

I married someone who had some of these warning signs that you mention - the way she treated people was initially a concern for me, but I thought to myself as long as she treated me different it would be ok.

There were also situations where she always wanted me there and never had any of her own friends. Gradually over time I felt isolated from everyone I knew.

It all really turned pear shaped when financial pressure of a build brought out the worst in her and the way she treated other people suddenly became the way she treated me. In short it was horrific.

I’m not saying that your situation will be the same, but what you are seeing is the fundamental make up of a person. For me it a lack of respect towards others that could be turned on to you. It could also be narcissistic tendencies gradually rising.

Only you can decide for you but the fact you are identifying these now and it makes you feel uncomfortable is a warning sign to me. I’d have a good hard think about what you are doing and whether or not you are compatible longer term.

March 16, 2020, 03:15:13 PM
Reply #2
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Calliecorp25


I will give you a perspective but this will have to be your decision entirely.

I married someone who had some of these warning signs that you mention - the way she treated people was initially a concern for me, but I thought to myself as long as she treated me different it would be ok.

There were also situations where she always wanted me there and never had any of her own friends. Gradually over time I felt isolated from everyone I knew.

It all really turned pear shaped when financial pressure of a build brought out the worst in her and the way she treated other people suddenly became the way she treated me. In short it was horrific.

I’m not saying that your situation will be the same, but what you are seeing is the fundamental make up of a person. For me it a lack of respect towards others that could be turned on to you. It could also be narcissistic tendencies gradually rising.

Only you can decide for you but the fact you are identifying these now and it makes you feel uncomfortable is a warning sign to me. I’d have a good hard think about what you are doing and whether or not you are compatible longer term.


Thank you so much for the advice. You’re right about people showing their true colors more outward to other people first, and maybe they think because its not towards their SO, it’s not as bad of a thing. I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. But reading your insight helps a lot!!

March 19, 2020, 06:25:33 PM
Reply #3
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serene


i can't really comment on who is right or wrong but how about asking yourself if you guys are sharing common interest or common goals in life, do u guys often disagree with each other? well in short, if you guys don't really get well along together now then even after marriage, he will be the same. We think people are going to change but trust me, in this kind of situation, people hardly change.

March 20, 2020, 01:29:41 PM
Reply #4
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SnakeyNet


Hello, thank you so much for sharing us
I was very similar to sending I understand you very much.
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March 27, 2020, 07:57:02 AM
Reply #5
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patrisiya


Hi,
from what you have written to here, I understand that you love him.Everyone is going through a difficult relationship maybe now, but I think you need to trust your instincts.They will never mislead you. And it's always obvious when someone wants to be with you. However, you should not only notice the bad flags.You need to get your thoughts together and prioritize. Seeing what comes first and last.It is very important to feel happy and to live now and immediately, not to go back permanently or make huge plans.

 

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