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Author Topic: Would I be unfair or unreasonable to want to leave an otherwise great marriage..

April 03, 2019, 08:28:29 AM
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Letitallout


over my feelings about my wife's actions during a spontaneous mmf threesome? Me and my wife have been together for almost 9 years and married for 3. Up until recently our relationship has been fantastic in every regard. We still date regularly, our sex life is great, we do nearly everything together, support one another emotionally, each do our equal part to hold the fort down and raise our family and we've never once been distant from one another or run out of things to talk about. We've never even had a real fight before all of this, because we've always both made the effort to communicate our feelings and emotions and to understand each other. We're both relatively adventurous sexually and have joked we'd probably end up having a threesome one day, rather it be mmf or mff, but never had any concrete plans to do so. A couple months back circumstances had a mutua male friend staying with us for several days and drunken decision making led to the three of us having a threesome. The problem is that I had a lot of negative feelings about the way my wife behaved during the course of our threesome. To the point that I have developed ptsd and severe depressive disorder in the aftermath of it all. For one there was an extremely obvious greater amount of focus on her part towards our friend than me during the threesome, to the point that I felt not only neglected in all of it, but actively resented for being involved on her part. I feel that with the degree to which she fixated on and focused her attention on our friend during the whole thing that she treated what should have been an experience we both shared  as nothing more than an excuse to essentially have an affair without repercussion under the guise of it being a "threesome". My feelings on that go beyond just the unbalanced nature of her seuxual attentions during the threesome. Other things that bothered me were 1. As I said before our friend was in our home for several days and after the threesome had been initiated she behaved as if it was okay to make sexual advances with him the rest of the time he was there. I don't  mean that the two would straight up start fucking with or without me there, but she'd  think nothing of say.. straddling him to get to something next to him and grinding him a little in the process. And 2. I was uncomfortable with what I saw as a lot of displays of affection during that time I was uncomfortable with and found inappropriate.  These ranged from kisses to moments of her cuddling with him, albeit briefly. It all took awhile to really sink in and process for me emotionally,  but once it did I suffered a full on mental break which led to many arguments and problems in our relationship and prettt much every aspect of my life from work to parenthood.  The thing is that other than that 3 day period our relationship is still great and nothing has really changed about us as a couple, but I have never been able to forgive her actions. I feel hurt, disrespected, unloved, inadequate and humiliated by her behaviour. I feel like she couldn't possibly love me the way I love get and have acted in such a shitty manner  over the prospect of having the chance to sleep with someone new. She's offered alternative explanations to her actions other than it being about just getting to sleep with someone new, but I don't honestly believe them. I don't trust her not to hurt me worse down the road due to her impulsive sexual behaviour, because if she could behave in that way to my face, god only knows what she'd do behind my back. I don't think that her actions are one a person that loves  another would take, I don't think she really cares about my feelings, I don't think that she could really possibly be happy in our relationship and have done all of that and I don't really think things can work between us any more with all of things out. I just know that a lot of how I feel could be linked to me suffering a traumatic response to the situation and my feelings on it early on, so I worry that my feelings could be unfair, irrational, cynical, an overreaction, selfish or unreasonable as a result of that trauma. So I'm asking here for advice on rather my relationship seems worth saving or even savable.

April 03, 2019, 08:30:45 AM
Reply #1
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Letitallout


Sorry for any possible spelling/grammar mistakes. I did all of this from a phone at 3 A.M. and it was a lot to write(though still somehow the SHORT version!).

April 06, 2019, 03:50:16 AM
Reply #2
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nereti


Well, I'm no expert. Nor have I been in a marriage.
There is a lot to unpack:

1. She hurt your feelings, it sucks. I would feel the same in your place. Try talking with your wife about it. Try to express your feelings about that situation. Not just "I felt bad about it or sth". Tell her exactly how you feel "humiliated, inadequate". You need to feel like a man, not a lamp in a corner of the room.

2. I can understand how it can be perceived in your eyes as "almost cheating". But is it? The problem is you agreed to the threesome, maybe next time try to set up some rules?

3. Well, marriage isn't the easiest thing. But so isn't any relationship. After talking to her think it through, really hard, if this "one off" is really something you should be worried about? Do you trust her that she won't cheat?

Just some ideas to think it through. Talk to her, let her tell you how it looked from her perspective. Maybe talk her into a ffm threesome, where both women would be focused only on you?

I am not an expert. Just my thoughts. I really hope you get this straight. If you can't live with that thought, then divorce. If you can compromise or swallow this, stay. I don't think you want these 3 days to poison rest of your life.

But remember this: her loving you isn't excluding her behaviour. Sex sometimes is feral and if you are really into it, you can sometimes forget to think straight.

April 06, 2019, 03:55:31 AM
Reply #3
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freddieP


this is why i never wanted to do a 3 some with a woman i love. too risky!

April 06, 2019, 06:00:36 PM
Reply #4
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C4Warr10r


How is this a great marriage? It sounds like you're just a powerless cuck making excuses for a wife that is a slut. How did you even get suckered into this deal to begin with? I have an idea, even a solution, but I can't confirm either without knowing your whole story.

April 24, 2019, 07:40:39 AM
Reply #5
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reginaalexandra


I do agree with talking about your raw emotions about it. You both did consent to the act and then after she was more comfortable with your friend because maybe she thought it was OK or maybe she wanted to make you jealous? A lot of cultures 3-4 people in a relationship is normal, normal circumstances it's frowned upon.

But if you love each other enough, you should be able to overcome it with forgiveness either by talking to each other or having help from a relationship therapist.

April 27, 2019, 12:09:55 AM
Reply #6
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AmazinglyAwkward


Talk, talk and more talk. Other than this threesome and the mental issues that came from it, which I'm sorry to hear about and hope you get resolved, as you said in the title this sounds like a great marriage. Tell her you love her unconditionally but felt uncomfortable how she treated this friend and possibly even say you wouldn't feel comfortable with him staying over for long periods, at least until you DO feel comfortable again. Ask for her side and just try to make it so you understand her and she understands you.

All the best :)

April 28, 2019, 05:19:37 AM
Reply #7
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Tamara Gibson


First of all, if you can't forgive her it's eventually poisoning the relationship, regardless of everything else. I do think you need to talk openly about this, like ask her a few hard questions without sounding hostile, such as: Were you always attracted to him? Did you develop feelings for him? Are you still attracted to me?

I think it's always super risky to threesomes with someone you're with, as one of the two is bound to get hurt... I think it's something one should only do with strangers.

You might even need to go to therapy together to hash this out. Either way, no relationship will heal if there's no forgiveness, regardless of what happened. But you also gotta ask yourself what you're willing to live with. If she reassured you all the above questions with a positive answer towards you and your relationship, you still would need to find it in your heart to forgive. I think no one here can give you a cut-and-dry answer to that, as only you know what you can and cannot accept.

May 11, 2019, 12:32:34 PM
Reply #8
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GregGettingOlder


This topic is more than a month old so some stuff may have already played out but I'm new here so missed it and wanted to offer some perspective. My only experience of a threesome goes back MANY years and, on paper, it should have been the best thing that ever happened. Certainly the most adventurous of my limited experiences. But the next day, I felt so weird about it to the point where I cut off contact with the two people involved. I can't even fully explain why - just everything in my gut screamed that it shouldn't have happened. Your situation is very different especially because one of those people is your wife.

So what I'd say is this:

1) acknowledge that it was a very weird situation for you. It can be incredibly uncomfortable, there are emotions involved, it put you in a very vulnerable situation. All those feelings you're having I can completely imagine how I'd feel the same.

2) BUT... because it was an unusual situation, you have to realise that it's not the norm for you or your wife. It was unusual for all of you and there would have been decisions made in the moment that wouldn't be made again or would be approached differently with hindsight. And with that in mind, I feel you need to find a way to compartmentalise that experience and separate it from the usual parts of your relationship. This event was not reflective of your relationship for you or your wife.

Now of course only you know if there are other factors involved but you do describe it as an otherwise great marriage. And if that's the case, try to separate this experience. It happened. You don't need to pretend it didn't but it doesn't have to happen again and it can be just one weird outside moment. I'm being flippant here but one time my wife made what was possibly the absolute worst omelette I have tasted. It still comes up every now and again but it's not reflective of both of our cooking. I know that sounds lighthearted and it's not directly comparable but I hope you know what I'm saying. Your experience is very deep and very emotional and that has shaken you but it's a separate event from your normal life.

May 19, 2019, 07:28:12 PM
Reply #9
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USNAVYVET


I had several  3somes most  of the time  was MFF  .  The only time it was MMF  was with a  shipmates wife and this went on for over 6 months

The best  are havig BI sexual females and MFF     

June 19, 2019, 10:11:50 AM
Reply #10
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Letitallout


Talk, talk and more talk. Other than this threesome and the mental issues that came from it, which I'm sorry to hear about and hope you get resolved, as you said in the title this sounds like a great marriage. Tell her you love her unconditionally but felt uncomfortable how she treated this friend and possibly even say you wouldn't feel comfortable with him staying over for long periods, at least until you DO feel comfortable again. Ask for her side and just try to make it so you understand her and she understands you.

All the best :)

We both kind of nartually cut contact with the friend altogether a while back, but the problem was never really feeling threatened by him or their relationship anyway. It was more a matter of disrespect, boundary crossing and a serious betrayl of trust on her part for me. Obviously I didn't go into the experience to be humiliated. I put myself into a very compromising position with a lot of potential to do emotional harm to myself, because I trusted completely based on the strength of our relationship she would do her best to avoid letting it come to something that would seriously hurt me.. instead it seems like her every action was pratically designed to maximize the negative emotional impact this experience left on me. I love her like crazy, but shit, I can't get over her complete disregard for how any of her actions might affect me.

June 20, 2019, 10:48:55 PM
Reply #11
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DinPHX


It seems like the ground work was not laid out before you jumped into this situation, and from what you describe, she seems to think everything is fine. There are no rules to be broken if the foundation hasnt been laid out for such an adventure....

To say you have PTSD and whatnot seems a bit extreme.... I am in a marriage with my partner having diagnosed PTSD from being involved in human smuggling, so you might want to really think about if thats true. I think you made a mistake, you werent ready for it, and if everything before that was good like you say, she shouldnt have an issue taking a step back and laying down ground rules with you.

good luck.

 

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