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Author Topic: Wife’s Sex past and our current marriage

June 27, 2019, 12:31:25 PM
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Hi all I’m new here and feel like sex is very important in a relationship. My issue is I’ve been with my wife 22 years married for 19. We are both in our 40’s and have a teenage daughter. An underlying issue that I have had is my wife is the 4th women I’ve been with sexually, she’s been with 20 that I know of and believe more but she says she don’t know an exact number and doesn’t want to talk about it. Which I have some retroactive jealousy toward. With that being said we have sex about once a week. And on her part it’s usually forced like let’s do it and get it over with. Which drives me nuts! She will never initiate sex ever! And when we do have sex there is absolutely no oral anymore either way and I’m more than willing, she will just lay there not make a sound or even move a muscle! Than roll over like nothing and go to sleep. After that I’m more frustrated than I was before I got any.I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging but we both work full time her job is more stress than mine I understand that. I will do housework, cook dinner, wash clothes and run errands while she does her take home work. I have no issue with this I like to eat and have clean clothes and a clean house and it’s both of our responsibility to do this. I’m affectionate I will give her a back rub almost every morning before work and sometimes at night. To get her to hold my hand give a hug or a kiss is pulling teeth! And I do know she loves me. But it kills your self esteem when you get rejected constantly! Than she gets mad because I bring up that she has had so many lovers before me that now sex isn’t special, it doesn’t mean anything to her. She says no it’s just she has things on her mind and she’s tired and sex isn’t as important “been there done that” she says. I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do, I’m a young guy very much into sex not the type to cheat, don’t need crazy sex everyday 3 times a day. But twice a week with some passion would mean a great deal. Am I being selfish? Should her past really bother me?

June 27, 2019, 02:22:33 PM
Reply #1



You are not being selfish at all. You are missing affection and passion from her, and I would advice you to talk to her about this topic. In a healthy relationship, you should share everything you feel, need, and desire to her. Despite of the years together, you should be able to communicate effectively and be understanding to each other. If you are feeling rejected, you should tell her, and see how she sees the situation herself. Maybe she is not aware of your feelings of rejection, and in case she is, try to tell her how important is to you not to feel rejected and how it is affecting you. Even if sexual activity is not interesting for her anymore, try to ask her what she likes to use in bed, try to use new toys or things she may like to innovate.

Of course, try to communicate this to her softly and without rancor that may make her feel angry or bothered. Be soft, honest, and kind, but clear and direct. Take her to have dinner alone, so you can have time to talk and enjoy together.

Regarding the sexual past of your wife, do not ask about this. It was loong time ago, and it should not bother you. You should focus on yourself, your wife, and your sexual activity together. The past is irrelevant, and showing that you do care a lot about it, could make you wife feel exhausted about it soon. Forget it, it is not important, focus on the present.

Hope everything goes great!! Good luck

June 27, 2019, 03:03:23 PM
Reply #2


I have spoke with her time and time again. I always believe in communication, she claims that she don’t need sex like I do. She can go months without it ( this is why her past comes up, I feel she has had so much and so many different men it’s just not special anymore). She basically says this is the way it is, until she gets a better job and things in life are easier this is the way it’s gonna be. I’ve mentioned to try things different to spice it up, she won’t even consider it, and I have brought it up in a nice romantic way, not trying to be forceful but nothing works. At this point I’m trying to pull away and not show her any attention, no back rubs, I won’t hug her or go to hold her hand, and see if that turns it around if I don’t come to her, it’s been about 2 weeks and she don’t seem to notice! If I felt like wasn’t being neglected and that I was getting what all the others guys aren’t from her past, the her past probably would not bother me.

June 29, 2019, 09:50:40 AM
Reply #3


I’m not gonna offer advice on this as i know my points of view regarding sex are probably controversial.

But i will off some alternative questions or ideas you may not have considered.

I agree with Ella that the past isn’t important.  Just remember two things when it comes to a woman’s past: 1) a woman can bed a man much easier than a man can bed a woman.  Even for the not so great looking ones.  2) everybody likes to drive a Ferrari ....... so, if she’s a Ferrari, like Ella said, don’t ask. 

I’m not suggesting swinging.  I’ve had some bad experiences and some awesome experiences.  But, it changed my life and I’m glad i did it even though I’ve sworn off of it for now.  But it’s noteworthy that the relationship i was in when we tried it, we went from 2 or 3 times a week to to every day, sometimes morning and night and weekends were just off the charts and each session was like championship sex.  So i don’t know to this day what to make of it other than I’m glad i did it. May not work for you.

The last thing I’ll say is this.  And this is a dudes point of view.  Sensitivity has never been one of my strong suits.  I can be plenty selfish and i tend to ignore all the signs of when a woman wants to be heard or held and i have to be careful not to push people out of their comfort zones cause i can easily bring myself to do it.  Having said that, some people (not just women) have to compartmentalize everything.  Love-sex-chat-hang out buddy- sports buddy-shopping buddy, etc etc.  i don’t know if I’m allowed to use the F word on here or not but for some people, the kind of person they married may not be the kind of person they want to screw.  And the opposite is true, the kind of person they want to screw isn’t necessarily the kind of person they want to marry.  An observation i made whilst swinging. 

Anyway my friend, Ella12 is much smarter than me so you might want to consider what she said carefully.  I’m the one living alone.  Lol

June 29, 2019, 05:37:29 PM
Reply #4


Ha! Not sure if the swinger thing would work, don’t think she’d ever even consider it. You do make some valid points though. I agree and appreciate the input!

June 29, 2019, 05:59:19 PM
Reply #5


And to be honest I don’t think the whole “Past” thing would bother me so much if she was more willing to talk about it. I’m kind of the person who would rather hear the bad news and find a way to deal with it, then not know at all and think and obsess over something that doesn’t exist. And if she was more willing to make me feel more wanted by her I don’t think I would even consider it. When we first met the conversation came up and she was pretty forthcoming then, and then it didn’t really matter to me about her past was just looking for fun and nothing that serious if it happened it happened! Now we are so much closer and I feel that retroactive jealousy now. Kind of stupid after 22 years. But what brought it up was I knew about 15 guys before me. We were moving and packing stuff up and I found a address book with names and dates ( dates I knew from before was when she marked when she had did it with them) now I found about 10 more names added to that 🤔 which got me thinking. So I like to Keep the communication open, but she gives me excuses after that she don’t remember if she had sex with these people that were listed in the book or not, so for shits and giggles I say well is near 20, 50, 100 or more her answer was “ I really don’t know, I had a lot of boyfriends and never kept track” so this makes me wonder more instead of just giving a straight answer. I mean she had a 5 year relationship before we met. Which only gave a year or so really single before we met. I know I’m probably making an issue out of something I should just get over. IDK

July 03, 2019, 06:19:10 PM
Reply #6


Honestly, it feels like she doesn't put much effort into your relationship to me... she needs to be more understanding, more caring, and more emphatic in general with you. I know this is hard after 22 years, but still, she should value you as a husband enough to pay attention to those details that bother and make you feel confused.

I know that I told you not to focus on her past, but you shouldn't erase all your feelings and thoughts neither. It is complicated, but honestly, I would fight for it if it is worth it. I can't believe she is so distant to you, I would be so frustrated. I am sorry that you are in this situation, but you definitely should take some actions to change it. You should fight for your happiness inside your marriage, and if that is not possible, then some other solutions should be taken into consideration.

Again, good luck!!

July 08, 2019, 12:33:42 PM
Reply #7


I feel exactly that way. I try not focus on her past but with her actions it makes me go that way. If I felt I was more Important to her and more desirable and that what we have is more special and not like the sex and fun she had with everyone else I would think about it a lot less I think. It’s frustrating.

July 10, 2019, 09:54:39 AM
Reply #8


I'm a local therapist and I have heard many stories like this and I've experienced it myself. It can be quite hard but you will get through this.
I will show you a video that really helped me here : https://dausel.co/wMsnlY
Last year I was stuck and this really helped me a lot.
Hope things get better.

July 23, 2019, 11:33:09 AM
Reply #9


Same thing is happening to me. I have a similar question. Very horrific experience.

July 23, 2019, 12:13:28 PM
Reply #10


When  I was 17  yrs old I joined the navy for a 3 year enlistment  (7 - 20) and right after boot camp  I was on a ship and we went to europe.

As a virgin and  I met so many women that were in their 40-60's  that loved being a cougar and taught me what women expect 

In less than 2 years I had sex with over 87 women and all but 3 were married 

I think having had  so many in such a short time gave me an insight of what is great sex and   what is just plain boring

I think you had to figure a way to keep your wife  satisfied  and wanting to be more adventurous
I had a few threesomes always 2 women and usually one was bisexual  which you may want to suggest to spice up your relationship


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