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Author Topic: What would you do in my situation?

January 09, 2019, 08:46:37 PM
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ThorC


Okay, so this is going to be one of those longer posts, to get in as many details as possible. So let the rollercoaster begin:

So I am a male, 23. I work in a store as a student. Last year in January I and the girl I will be talking about started working there. After a few talks she added me on Facebook, this was around April, but keep in mind we only really had a few talks, as we only worked on weekends and not even every. Then a month later in May she started hugging me to say goodbye, as our shifts ended at the same time. I didnt really see them as signals at that point and from June I went home (I worked in the city where my university is so for the summer I went home), but kept it open and texted her we should grab coffee in September when I come back and she said absolutely.

So I texted her in September like promised and brought up the coffee or dinner again, she still said yes, but said she only has time during the weekends as her university is another city and she is there Mon-Fri. The hugging continued and she kept doing it during the day now aswell when I walked by, said something to her she was like "oh you" and hugged me. I tried to mantain a "texting relationship" with her but she was a horrible texter, it usually took her 3-4, sometimes even 6 days to reply, but when she did, she didnt mind giving me her number.

At one point in work she asked me whether I had a partner and said no, I asked her back whether she had and she said no aswell, so I wanted to capitalize on the situation and said something like " well you know, I wanted to ask you to come grab some coffee" and she replied " Whats keeping you", well what was keeping me is that she already said she had plans that day. But I was hopeful, that she understood what I wanted as we had this conversation right after we both said we dont have a boy/girlfriend.

So even after this she was kinda flirtatious, asked me if I will help her pack her stuff, cause she went back to dorm that day, complimented my perfume a couple of times, my hair. In texts and in person I complimented her multiple times aswell, felt like nothing hit the mark really. After being frustrated, I texted her this: " Hello [name], I like you, maybe more than I should, I dont know whether you have noticed it or not" and she replied with asking me whether I was drunk, and that she likes me too and noticed it a little. Still clueless obviously, I had a gut feeling her "like" is different from my like.

After 2-3 weeks we met again in work and nothing changed really. I expected atleast some difference after I said all that. So right before Christmas I texted her saying goodluck with her final exams and after she does it all we could go on a date and she replied. " I dont know about a date, but just like that for coffee anytime. I just replied with yeah, I understand, we wished each other merry christmas and thats where I am at.

No contact with her since the 24th, right now I believe the only thing I could do is to not give her more attention, cause I´ve already done that, maybe thats why she doesnt text back only in days, because there are a couple of people texting her all the time and she is bored of it, and I feel like I just stood in the line aswell. But I dont think she will text me because she will be "afraid to lose me" or out of curiosity, because as said, she is a horrible texter. And she started the signs aswell while I didnt care, and when I did, I guess she stepped on my tails and didnt know what to do.

In my mind the "I dont know about a date" is a rather nice way to say no, but she also had a relationship before and didnt end well and might be careful, but I think the signs were there and I dont really want to give up on her. She indeed said "coffee anytime" but I dont feel like there could be anything more from that, its more like a "lets be friends, lets have coffee, and dont have to deal with your feelings later", correct me if I am wrong. Obviously every person is different, so you cant really tell whats in her head.

Thanx for everyone who read the story and a bigger thanx to those who leave a reply.

January 09, 2019, 09:49:53 PM
Reply #1
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missg


Okay, so this is going to be one of those longer posts, to get in as many details as possible. So let the rollercoaster begin:

So I am a male, 23. I work in a store as a student. Last year in January I and the girl I will be talking about started working there. After a few talks she added me on Facebook, this was around April, but keep in mind we only really had a few talks, as we only worked on weekends and not even every. Then a month later in May she started hugging me to say goodbye, as our shifts ended at the same time. I didnt really see them as signals at that point and from June I went home (I worked in the city where my university is so for the summer I went home), but kept it open and texted her we should grab coffee in September when I come back and she said absolutely.

So I texted her in September like promised and brought up the coffee or dinner again, she still said yes, but said she only has time during the weekends as her university is another city and she is there Mon-Fri. The hugging continued and she kept doing it during the day now aswell when I walked by, said something to her she was like "oh you" and hugged me. I tried to mantain a "texting relationship" with her but she was a horrible texter, it usually took her 3-4, sometimes even 6 days to reply, but when she did, she didnt mind giving me her number.

At one point in work she asked me whether I had a partner and said no, I asked her back whether she had and she said no aswell, so I wanted to capitalize on the situation and said something like " well you know, I wanted to ask you to come grab some coffee" and she replied " Whats keeping you", well what was keeping me is that she already said she had plans that day. But I was hopeful, that she understood what I wanted as we had this conversation right after we both said we dont have a boy/girlfriend.

So even after this she was kinda flirtatious, asked me if I will help her pack her stuff, cause she went back to dorm that day, complimented my perfume a couple of times, my hair. In texts and in person I complimented her multiple times aswell, felt like nothing hit the mark really. After being frustrated, I texted her this: " Hello [name], I like you, maybe more than I should, I dont know whether you have noticed it or not" and she replied with asking me whether I was drunk, and that she likes me too and noticed it a little. Still clueless obviously, I had a gut feeling her "like" is different from my like.

After 2-3 weeks we met again in work and nothing changed really. I expected atleast some difference after I said all that. So right before Christmas I texted her saying goodluck with her final exams and after she does it all we could go on a date and she replied. " I dont know about a date, but just like that for coffee anytime. I just replied with yeah, I understand, we wished each other merry christmas and thats where I am at.

No contact with her since the 24th, right now I believe the only thing I could do is to not give her more attention, cause I´ve already done that, maybe thats why she doesnt text back only in days, because there are a couple of people texting her all the time and she is bored of it, and I feel like I just stood in the line aswell. But I dont think she will text me because she will be "afraid to lose me" or out of curiosity, because as said, she is a horrible texter. And she started the signs aswell while I didnt care, and when I did, I guess she stepped on my tails and didnt know what to do.

In my mind the "I dont know about a date" is a rather nice way to say no, but she also had a relationship before and didnt end well and might be careful, but I think the signs were there and I dont really want to give up on her. She indeed said "coffee anytime" but I dont feel like there could be anything more from that, its more like a "lets be friends, lets have coffee, and dont have to deal with your feelings later", correct me if I am wrong. Obviously every person is different, so you cant really tell whats in her head.

Thanx for everyone who read the story and a bigger thanx to those who leave a reply.

going to bed now though will give this a read in the morning!  :)

January 13, 2019, 08:23:23 PM
Reply #2
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Wegatelove


Next time you got a shift together ask her more in depth questions. Not about taking her out, but try to find out If you are really into her?! Ask her about her dreams, her passions and if you share more common interests... then the going out thing will flow by itself. Let me know when you are at that point, I might have another golden advice for you at that point :)

January 13, 2019, 11:41:58 PM
Reply #3
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winstonjack


Wow....there is not enough meat on the bone to be definitive but she does seem to be a busy lady. If that is the case, you may be over-reacting. To her a date means -- makeup, dressing up (this alone can take hours for some ladies), out on the date, the after date talk and maybe more -- while coffee is simple, to the point, fits in her schedule without any expectations. She may truly be attracted to you, but if her priority is school, she may want to keep things on first base -- at least for now. To get her to move off first base you are going to have to do something to wow her. That doesn't mean you go out and buy her an expensive gift or take out to a fancy dinner, but somehow you are tuned in to her life in a way that she will appreciate. 

Lets say her life is hectic. And you are aware of her schedule. One day you show up out of the blue with a picnic basket for a quick bite to eat. That jester may mean more to her (wow) than a fancy dinner. You are attentive, aware and considerate of her hectic life.

I'm 66 years old. When I was younger a wiser man told me that dating girls is a  step by step journey. He told me a story about a camel and his master who were caught in a sand storm. The master set up a tent but left the camel outside. Soon the camel stuck his head in the tent and said "master, do you mind if I just put my head in the tent?" and the master replied "ok". Then the camel said "master, my shoulders are aching from the sand pounding on them. May I please put my head and shoulders in the tents" and so on...inch, by inch -- eventually the camel was all the way in the tent. But if the camel initially would of said "master may I come all the way in the tent" he would of gotten a big fat no.

January 14, 2019, 07:20:48 PM
Reply #4
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missg


Wow....there is not enough meat on the bone to be definitive but she does seem to be a busy lady. If that is the case, you may be over-reacting. To her a date means -- makeup, dressing up (this alone can take hours for some ladies), out on the date, the after date talk and maybe more -- while coffee is simple, to the point, fits in her schedule without any expectations. She may truly be attracted to you, but if her priority is school, she may want to keep things on first base -- at least for now. To get her to move off first base you are going to have to do something to wow her. That doesn't mean you go out and buy her an expensive gift or take out to a fancy dinner, but somehow you are tuned in to her life in a way that she will appreciate. 

Lets say her life is hectic. And you are aware of her schedule. One day you show up out of the blue with a picnic basket for a quick bite to eat. That jester may mean more to her (wow) than a fancy dinner. You are attentive, aware and considerate of her hectic life.

I'm 66 years old. When I was younger a wiser man told me that dating girls is a  step by step journey. He told me a story about a camel and his master who were caught in a sand storm. The master set up a tent but left the camel outside. Soon the camel stuck his head in the tent and said "master, do you mind if I just put my head in the tent?" and the master replied "ok". Then the camel said "master, my shoulders are aching from the sand pounding on them. May I please put my head and shoulders in the tents" and so on...inch, by inch -- eventually the camel was all the way in the tent. But if the camel initially would of said "master may I come all the way in the tent" he would of gotten a big fat no.

Brilliant response @winstonjack!

Have +1 repped you. :)

January 14, 2019, 07:38:33 PM
Reply #5
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Naples1276


I would give it a go. You have nothing to loose. Even if it’s is just a coffee, it’s better than nothing’s at all.

If you can deal was the possibility of being rejected, I would try.

Specially if you really like her

January 14, 2019, 07:43:15 PM
Reply #6
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missg


I would give it a go. You have nothing to loose. Even if it’s is just a coffee, it’s better than nothing’s at all.

If you can deal was the possibility of being rejected, I would try.

Specially if you really like her

Agreed @Naples1276 , what is there to lose? You'll regret not trying to give it ago!  :D

January 15, 2019, 01:16:20 PM
Reply #7
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ThorC


Thanx for all the responses so far.

I was thinking one of the possibilites is to tell her something like this ( would love it to be in person, but not a subject to be discussed in work ) so the platform I have so far is over text, which is obviously not the best:

"Hey sorry if me asking u out last month came out of the blue, I dont do it often, I believe the last time I did it was years ago, yet I felt like I needed to ask you out, because you are special to me. And I also felt like you have given signs aswell"

One of my female friends who met her at a party once advised me to tell her something like this in all seriousness, as according to her from her texts she thinks she doesnt know herself what she wants and that "I dont know about a date" doesnt have to mean a big fat no at this moment.

The piece by piece approach is indeed possible too and makes complete sense, but I dont want to fool myself and have coffees with her and get the thoughts that everything is working out as intended, when in reality maybe she never wanted anything. Plus there is always a possiblity, someone is running lap 49/50 with an engine failure and I am 5 laps behind, with a slower car, but make it first, because the driver at pole position messed up.

Telling her what´s up is not the most romantic approach, but we are adults after all and if she needs time etc. she can tell and its totally acceptable etc and would ultimately eliminate all question marks in me.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 01:25:26 PM by ThorC »

 

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