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Author Topic: What to do in this situation

December 10, 2019, 06:41:44 AM
Read 2541 times


Hi Everyone,

I've just separated from my wife of ten years which I am happy about and am currently going through the separation/ divorce process.

Anyway a couple of months ago, I met a work colleague who I am quite attracted to. She and I have been spending a fair amount of time together - and she is engaged. Every day we would go for 1-2 coffees, and have the occasional lunch date.

About a month ago, we started kissing each other. Things progressed quite fast and we were intimate twice, the last being last week. She has told me that she thinks I'm great and that there might be something there. Anyway over the weekend she went for a wedding dress fitting, and asked if we could just be coffee friends for the moment. She says she is confused, but she thinks I'm great but she is getting married.

I responded by saying that I really like spending time with her, I like her, and it would not be my preference to stop. I asked her to think about her situation, and what she wants from it as she must have started this for a reason. I told her I thought we would be good together, and I want more.

What should I do. Just back off and be friends?

December 10, 2019, 07:16:07 AM
Reply #1

Captain Black

In short yes.

At end of the day she has chosen another guy . You have to accept that and be happy and show that your happy for her. To interfere would be like opening a can of worms with all sorts of complications of which you could end up carrying the blame and being resented by her. I cant comment whether she has found the right person to marry as to have a fling with another person isn't the norm close to a wedding day . If her OH found out then I shudder to think of the consequencies .

You need to move on my friend .

December 10, 2019, 02:03:47 PM
Reply #2


Back off, and back off now. In fact, run for your life. If she would do this to a fiancée that she as of now hasn't broken up with, she will do it to you too if you ever get together. It will be miserable. This happened to me once and I recognize it when I see it.

The juice will not be worth the squeeze.

December 11, 2019, 02:16:37 AM
Reply #3


Dude, that guy is going to beat you up. Its wrong all around. Try to get into a long long committed lasting relationship. No flings.

December 11, 2019, 05:10:41 AM
Reply #4


Best to stand down. She is herself unsure of what she wants.

December 26, 2019, 09:00:42 AM
Reply #5


Ok. So over the past few weeks I’ve backed off and I’ve just kept flirting with her despite there being no more between us. Tonight I’ve said that I care for her, but I don’t want to keep talking unless there is something going forward.

I don’t know if it is the right move or not but I can’t get this girl out of my head.

December 27, 2019, 08:15:00 AM
Reply #6


she is confused to choose the best for her self.  I think you should stop following this girl.

December 29, 2019, 02:33:06 AM
Reply #7


It's best you stand your ground and stop seeing her. In fact, avoid her at any cost. You don't want to be embroiled in the drama that's going to come your way if you continue entertaining her games.

December 29, 2019, 09:25:15 AM
Reply #8


I would say this girl probably enjoys the attention, and is keeping her options open.

She can't be sure about her fiance, and she isn't sure about you.

You can kid yourself that she is torn between 2 men. However, she was sure about her fiance when she accepted his proposal of marriage. And actions speak louder than words. She was sure, then cheated on him before they were even married. This shows the character of the woman. I would hope she ends up with neither of you.

If you end up with her, how can you be sure she isn't looking to upgrade at the next opportunity? Will you ever be able to 100% trust her now you know her character and what she is capable of?

I would run, and tell her fiance in the process and save this bloke a lot of heartache in the future.

December 29, 2019, 03:41:12 PM
Reply #9


So I should point out I also work with this woman.

She said there is nothing romantic and I don’t know if it is wishful thinking but we still exchange texts about 50 times a day or more.

To me it doesn’t feel like there is nothing if she just wants to chat so frequently. Particularly if she is sending me pictures of kids when we were talking about kid names as well as what she is wearing to Christmas parties.
 it feels like it’s right and I can’t explain why. Saying that you are probably right.

January 02, 2020, 10:37:48 AM
Reply #10


Man I feel for ya. Sometimes that girl just gets in your head and you can't stop.  See if you can see if this is a pattern with her, ask a friend of hers or something. If it's not, then it may be the real deal? IF it is, prolly not a good idea to continue. Plus if you just got divorced then there more chances to play the field and have some fun.

January 03, 2020, 10:58:41 AM
Reply #11


Yes leave her alone. If she would give up the wedding for you. What makes you so sure that she wouldn't leave you for someone else?

January 07, 2020, 03:24:47 PM
Reply #12


Back off completely and stop seeing her. She's a scumbag. Why would you want to be with such a low life woman who cheats on her fiance?

Do you have low self esteem or what? Why would you make out with a woman you know is engaged to be married? Why would you be considering being serious with her? She's a lying, cheating, scum bag.

What is it about how you feel about yourself that causes you to accept such a low life as your friend?  And why are YOU fooling around with a woman who is engaged to be married to someone else? Don't you have any integrity?

January 07, 2020, 05:15:19 PM
Reply #13


Jamesriske interesting question on both sides.

My relationship with my wife Became destructive and she became both emotionally and physically abusive, mainly the result of our builder going bankrupt while going through our build. As I was going through the above I felt quite depressed about my situation. I accepted the abuse and tried to make the marriage work.

During this time I met The work colleague who I started spending more and more time with. Eventually I opened up and discussed some of the things I was going through but at the same time I felt valued and respected and happy from our interactions. I realised the value in my own self worth and what I was experiencing with my wife wasn’t right. I ended it as many of the things that happened cannot be reversed or forgiven.

I think while the communications with my colleague we discussed topics like how many children we wanted, their names etc. a lot of the goals we had I felt were aligned and importantly I felt a connection. I felt happy around her and looked forward to each interaction. We share a lot of interests and are both highly driven. From here it progressed. Self esteem potentially had a place in why I felt what I felt, but I don’t think this was a dominant factor. I genuinely experienced feelings of attraction towards this woman and could have imagined a future, having a future and a family.

I reflect on my own situation and note that I want time to heal by myself and am not ready to jump into anything until my situation with my ex wife is resolved and I heal. I’ve been on a few dates and realise that (and without trying to big note myself) I’m relatively attractive on the dating scene (tall, kind, high income earner, fit and attractive by most standards) and have a high success rate. however nothing has caught my eye.

What I keep coming back to is this work colleague and I have exceptional chemistry and connection, and she is everything I want in a woman. Everything else I’ve made the women chase me as I haven’t found the same level of connection. Self esteem may have impacted the original attraction but I think it’s more than that. at the moment I feel in a good place with my decisions I’ve made.

We continue to talk, and while I have asked her, she says there is nothing romantic on her side there, however from my position there are still feelings. We still catch up for coffee, and we say goodnight to each other. It’s odd and feels like a relationship and I am giving her the company and emotion she doesn’t have at home. On a couple of occasions I have told her I thought we would be good, maybe even great together, and I want more. I asked her to leave her fiancé. She said no.

I have respected her decision while I’ve found it hard, there has been no physical contact. I have always respected the boundaries on my end, but her boundaries are hers.


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