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Author Topic: Well, I finally did the stupidest thing I could ever do...

April 27, 2019, 01:45:21 AM
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enoonmai


Well, I finally did the most incredibly stupid thing I've ever done in my life and I'm not sure how the hell this happened. I fell in love with a lesbian. I like to think of myself as wise and aware but this just sideswiped me. I can't get her out of my head. I don't have any illusions of anything ever developing of it. I'm married and she's about to be married too. I don't want to get too personal so I'll keep details vague but let's just say... she's a "co-worker"  and let's say the work we do is very physically taxing on the body. I'm around her about 5 days a week for several hours a day and every single moment is incredible. She lights a fire in me that I didn't know was there and she inspires me so much to be the best that I can be. She has taught me so much about not only myself, but of my own weaknesses and how I can overcome them. She's set the bar so high in her abilities that I've found abilities within myself that I never imagined. I have found myself pushing self-imposed limitations upon myself. Her energy is so intoxicating and every moment I am around her, I can't get enough. She inspires me.

Contrast this with my wife. She is the complete opposite. We fit together in several aspects of my life except the physical. My wife is very sedentary, chronic pain, constant doctors appointments, etc. etc. I've lived a really sedentary life as well as I attempted to maintain her pace. We've gone on vacation 4 times in the last 10 years and they've all been plagued by doctors visits, withdrawl from pain meds, or seeking pain meds. All of our sacred moments including our wedding / honeymoon are plagued by this.

I love my wife. My wife completes me 70% of the way but this girl completes the 30% that has been dormant for YEARS.

I know this is infatuation. I know nothing will ever come of it. I just can't get her out of my mind. I think about her 24/7. I look at her picture and I find inspiration. I just want to wrap myself around her energetically, even if it's only temporary, and really share myself with her.

This dynamic isn't sexual. In fact, my wife is fine with me being with other women sexually. This is the one thing that we promised in this somewhat open-relationship that we would NEVER do, and that is get spiritually / emotionally attached to someone else. This is EXACTLY how we have defined "cheating".

Let me just put it like this. My health was deteriorating and my body was in terrible shape until I met this girl. She's changed me. She's lit a fire in me.

I've been writing music for a couple of decades and I've been working on a new project. I just can't find the "passion" in my delivery of the pieces I've written. However, I wrote a song for this girl that I will NEVER let anyone hear, and the delivery is so heart / soul felt that I could probably get a grammy with it.

I don't dare share these feelings with her as I don't want to lose her friendship. But then again, everything in my being is saying run like hell because you're about to throw yourself off of a cliff.

I don't even know what to expect from anyone's replies. I know the answers. I know it can NEVER happen. I know I would NEVER run off with her. But she completes me in a way to where she brought me new life. And I don't mean that metaphorically.

I've had just about every experience imaginable in this incarnation. I've done things that I won't mention here but would otherwise be considered historical and heroic. I came, I saw, I mastered the game of life. And then boooom, I get hit with this.

Any thoughts?

May 11, 2019, 06:41:22 AM
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Enrico75


I can understand what you are going through. Been there done that minus the lesbian part. I fell hard for a girl that enjoyed all the physical pursuits i did. Sure i was sexually attracted to her, but the exhilaration of keeping up with her while biking or skiing or hiking was over whelming. I made a move while visiting her in her summer cabin, got shot down, and had a somewhat awkward day the next day. It was a small lake we were kayaking on, but it seemed like the Atlantic ocean. We still hike or ski together a few times a year alone or with mutual friends and i know now she was/is not into me. Would it have lasted if i did not go down in flames, no. Would i have given up a relationship to try, yes. If fact i did. I am over the intense infactuation I felt for her at the beginning and enjoy her company when we get together. To me, that is a better outcome than her just being another ex i hope to never run into. So, my point here is that this feeling can turn into a long term friendship that may be more valued than anything else. Hope this helps, and regardless, get up, stay active and enjoy life, it is too short not to.

 

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