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Author Topic: VERY LONG POST. completely lost, could really use some advice

January 27, 2019, 12:36:56 AM
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Hi there!  This is my first time doing anything like this.  I apologize for how long this post is.  I promise I only included the most relevant details.  There's a lot I left out.  If anyone is actually interested in reading this entire thing and giving their advice, thank you sincerely.

So I met a girl around 5 years ago over the internet. I pretty much had a crush on her the first day I actually talked to her. We started talking more, became closer and eventually she developed feelings for me too. We were mostly just friends since we lived in different countries (I live in Canada, she's in the US) but we were still very close and open with each other.  We'd say we loved each other and we went through some dark times in our own lives, which we helped each other through.  A few years ago, things got ugly.  She started seeing this soldier who would emotionally manipulate/abuse her, she had very little self esteem so it was very hard for me to swallow.  I remember late one night, he manipulated her into driving 2 hours outside of where she lived, just so he could meet her there and have sex.  I told her I wasn't going to bed until she got home safely.  Thankfully she came to her senses and stopped seeing him.  A while later, she started dating another guy (whom I knew literally nothing about) and I got very upset with her for it  (I was immature, reckless and selfish when I was younger.  that's not an excuse, just the reality of it) and I stopped talking to her for a while.  When I started talking to her again, she was single.  It was around that time that I realized how I truly felt about her.  I was in love with her.  I can't explain how, but I had never been so sure of anything in my life. Back when her and I were still just friends, we talked about how nice it'd be if we were able to see each other.  So I decided I wanted to fly out to California to see her.  Only catch was...I didn't tell her I was planning on doing this (Believe me, I know how that sounds, and I'll explain it better) when I made this decision, we were closer than we had ever been.  We were saying "I love you" again, she even referred to herself as my girlfriend at one point.  Eventually she found out what I was planning on doing and was understandably very upset.  I tried to explain myself multiple times but to no avail.  She stopped talking to me for a long time, and when we did start talking again, it was very minimal conversations that were few and far between.  She told me at one point how her ex boyfriend had contacted her again.  A guy she dated in high school.  I remembered this guy, because she told me he had cheated on her, and then started a family with the girl he cheated on her with.  It absolutely devastated her, and left her feeling broken.  She was so happy that he reached out to her again, completely ignoring all the heartache he put her through.  It made me sick to my stomach.  I had nothing to lose at that point, so I decided once again that I wanted to go to California.  Only this time, I actually ended up going.  I flew to LA and called her (she lived around 2 hours away, I NEVER would've showed up anywhere close to where she actually lived) and told her where I was, and that she didn't have to come see me if she didn't want, but I was there because I loved her, and that was the only way I could genuinely prove it.  She declined to see me, so I apologized for making her uncomfortable and flew back to Canada.  Around a week later, I called her on the phone again and told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore.  I told her I would always be there for her if she needed me, and to not delete my number, but it was the worst pain I'd ever felt, and I was too toxic for her to have to deal with.  I deleted her from my phone, and anything else that I could contact her on.  I still thought about her every day, but never even thought about trying to contact her.  One night, 8 months later, she called me.  She had updated me on a lot of horrible things going on in her life (depression, suicidal thoughts, unemployment) By that point, I legitimately never thought I'd talk to her again, I thought she had forgotten about me and had moved on, so when she called me, I was lost and didn't know what to believe. We slowly started talking again, even back to saying "I love you"for the first time in years, she cried when talking to me, while talking about very upsetting issues she was dealing with. She was all I could think of every day, just like I did before we stopped talking.  I talked to her about the prospect of a future between us. And how I was VERY serious about moving to California and supporting her.  To my surprise, she actually entertained that idea and said it was possible.  Anyways, she's in a relationship now. It's been about 2 months since we had that discussion, and she hasn't opened up to me since then.  I don't know anything about her current relationship, nor do I want to.  Obviously, this is devastating to me.  But I had already realized long ago that if I truly loved her, I had to accept that she could be happy with someone else besides me, and as long as she was happy, nothing else mattered.  That being said, her and I have been through so much together.  So many times I thought I'd never talk to her again, but for some reason, we always found our way back to each other.  I am certain that there will come a day (maybe even in the near future) where her and I never talk again.  If that happens, I have no choice to accept it.  But I don't want to look back and think that maybe there was more I could do.  I realize I've tried essentially everything, and that if it's not meant to be that's all there is to it. I'm not gonna pull any impulsive extreme stunts to prove a point, but I can honestly say that I love her more than anything on the planet.  She's the only thing that gets me through the day (even during the 8 months when we weren't talking, her memory alone was all I needed) and I would do anything/everything for her.  I want to talk to her about this, because I know if I don't say anything, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.  I'm a firm believer in seizing the opportunity before it's too late and taking chances that would be worth the risk.  But she's also in a relationship, and I know that no matter what I say, she wouldn't just dump the guy she's dating for me.  I'm lost/terrified/hopeless all at the same time.  She means absolutely everything to me and I know for a fact that her and I could live happily together.  I know that none of this matters if she doesn't feel the same way, but after everything I've put her through, and all the times she could've just cut me out of her life, and that after all of that she still said she loved me and that a future between us was possible.  I can't imagine ever giving up on something like this.  I imagine a future with her, and it honestly seems like an unrealistic fantasy, because of how much it means to me.  And yet, it somehow seems possible

I'm reaching out partly because I've never told anyone about this, and I need clarity.  Maybe this whole dream I have is ludicrous, but I just need an outsider's perspective.  Please don't be afraid to say whatever is on your mind after reading this.  And to anyone who actually read all the way through, thank you so much for taking the time! If nothing else, I appreciate having somewhere to talk about this <3
« Last Edit: January 27, 2019, 06:37:09 PM by myles »

January 27, 2019, 09:37:06 PM
Reply #1


Ok...you may not like my reply. First, you should of at least broken up your comments in paragraphs and that would of made it easier to read. There was difficulty in following your journey. If for some reason I misread something forgive me but like I said it was not an easy read and hard to follow.

Based on what I read I couldn't help to ask myself why the hell are you putting yourself through this. She doesn't love you. Believe me, she is using you and her words are empty. She knows if she throws a few love you's your way she will get from you what she needs at the moment but she has no plans of an everlasting relationship with you. The saying that action speaks louder than words couldn't be more true in this case. Look at her actions. You both said "I love you" yet she gets in a relationship. Why? Her actions tells me she isn't in to you the way you want her to be.

You wrote: "I was too toxic for her to have to deal with" What the hell. She is the one that is toxic, not you. If I was honest with you, it all sounds a bit pathetic on your part. She doesn't want you in the way you want her.  If this is love, it is the worse kind of love I ever read. If for some reason you two did hook up, it would not last. Her actions spell it out quite clearly that she doesn't love you. If she did, she would never put you through the things she is putting you through.

Hell you flew from Canada to California and she turned you away and yet you make excuses for her. Man, I hate to say this, but your ego must be pretty low to allow a woman to treat this way.

Sorry to be so harsh but if anyone tells you "hang in there man and she will come around" is delusional. If I was your friend I would throw a bucket of cold water on your face and say "wake up man she's not into you no matter how many love you's she spits out of her lips". If she was in to you, she had plenty opportunity to show it, not speak it, but actually show it. Loving someone should not be this hard. Move on! I know hurt will still be there but the only cure is time. Don't spend another minute entertaining the thought that you two were meant to be. NO - find someone else and don't beat yourself up or make excuses for her.

« Last Edit: January 27, 2019, 09:39:20 PM by winstonjack »

January 28, 2019, 01:23:39 PM
Reply #2


Ditto on separating posts into paragraphs.

Look, how many guys has she gone through since you've been talking to her?  Lots.  A bird in the hand is worth two in Canada.  This is a long distance fantasy and not real love.  Love doesn't happen over a computer screen.  Love happens from getting to know someone intimately on a day-to-day basis.

The idea that you'd be willing to uproot your life and move to California to 'support' someone you've never met is an indication that you are emotionally immature.

Stop contacting her and let her date local guys.  And you start looking for love where you live.  Otherwise, you're in for a world of heartache and frustration.
"But the rain is full of ghosts tonight, that tap upon the glass and listen for reply."

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

January 28, 2019, 10:37:15 PM
Reply #3


Thank you both for taking the time to read/respond.  I apologize for making it difficult to read.  I'll make sure to structure my next post better.  I appreciate the criticism.  While very harsh, I asked for honesty and I'm glad neither of you held back.  I'm choosing not to talk about the matter anymore as of right now, I handled it privately and (for now) I'm content with the outcome.  I'm not trying to change your opinions, but please trust me when I say that if I were to explain every single aspect of the situation, it would make my intense feelings for her much more justified, and the blame on my end would extend beyond seeming pathetic and emotionally immature.  Again, I appreciate you taking to time to read, and your advice is very appreciated.  Thank you :)

January 30, 2019, 01:49:51 PM
Reply #4


Myles on a softer side, I wish you luck. Based on what you wrote above, my advise still stands. However, I will say I have met many whose love is more of an addition than true love. So I know how hard it can be. May you find true love. 


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