Lets Chat Love
Register An AccountLogin

Author Topic: Unsure how to proceed with relationship

March 22, 2020, 07:37:56 PM
Read 538 times


--Long block of text warning--

I (23m) am in a 4-month relationship with my current boyfriend (29m).

Some background info: 1) This is my first relationship
2) I'm just about to graduate university and will have to go back to living with my parents soon (relatively farther away from bf than before, but still can commute)
3) I was brought up in a poor Asian household, where the importance of "having enough money," and high-level education were highly emphasized.

For the positives, my boyfriend is super nice to me - and I really like his personality: he's patient and understanding with me (doesn't blow up at me, or forgives me if I do blow up at him when I'm emotional), he's nice and caring (drives 30min to pick me up every time we meet and drops me off too, cooks me breakfast in bed if I'm hungry, etc).
He really likes me - asked to meet my friends, texts me every day even if it's just to say good morning or good night.
He seems to be serious about wanting a serious long term relationship (previously talked about this and he confirmed).
He also seems to be very serious/responsible about saving money and puts almost all of his earnings into savings.

Even though he is such a nice person and treats me so well, there are things about him that I am having a very hard time looking past (and have been having trouble overlooking since the beginning of the relationship, resulting in me blowing up at him many times... which we have made up each time).
1) He is a smoker. He is on the path to quitting so I am happy about that, but I am still concerned about whether or not he can accomplish this - it worries me thinking about it because I really want
him to quit successfully.

2) He has no education, not even a highschool diploma + he works night-shifts as a labourer. I also have seen his resume and it's general labourer positions, along with self-employed house cleaning services for a while. This entire package (no education + night shift + past work experience) really saddens me to the point where I think about this several times per week and it brings me to the point of tears each time. I feel stuck FOR him - he will always be extremely limited in finding a job, will likely earn very little compared to me. The fact that he had to work for a few months as a self-employed house cleaner really makes me sad for him thinking about how difficult that must have been for him.
** I fear that he will have no choice but to stay at this night-shift position as it's the best job he's had (money-wise), but I am afraid of the implications that him being on night-shift has on our relationship long-term. As of right now, we can only see each other during weekends as he has to sleep on weekdays, and when we DO see each other during weekends, we only have a handful of waking hours to spend with each other. I am afraid that if we were to ever move in together, I would find myself sleeping alone, eating alone, cooking alone, watching TV alone; making the relationship feel extremely lonely on my (and probably his) end, ultimately leading to relationship issues.

3) He has (almost) no friends in his life, and I don't think I would be able to be friends with his few friends. Being on night-shift means difficulty being able to connect and maintain relationships with old friends, and him being on a completely different waking-hour schedule means he can't meet people easily. He is left to meet only people at his workplace, but they don't mesh well. He has 1 friend from his workplace who is his best friend, but (as my bf told me) he is very reserved and emotionless, which is not someone I would be able to mesh with well.
His only other best friend is a man in his 60s who my boyfriend used to date many years ago, but they seem to no longer be attracted to each other physically/emotionally, however he remains a fatherly-figure in my boyfriend's life (my boyfriend has a very poor relationship with his parents due to a very poor upbringing). I personally find it hard to relate to/connect with people significantly older than me, and I still am slightly uncomfortable with my boyfriend entrusting everything onto this man who is technically his "ex."

4) We see sex very differently. I want someone to be intimate and in-the-moment with, but much of the sex he enjoys is stuff that is very physical/visual (aka recording or using mirrors). He also has a (recent) past of being into a very particular kink that I absolutely can not withstand or tolerate - which I confronted him about early-on into the relationship and he reassured me that he is no longer into such kinks... however it still makes me anxious thinking about it, if he suddenly decides to do something like that again then I will not be able to tolerate it.

5) We have almost no interests in common. The only thing we have in common is video games, which is still a stretch because we play very different genres of games and almost never play anything together. When we go for rides in his car, he brings up lots of references to games/movies/music, and 90% of which I do not recognize whatsoever. Sometimes he can laugh at it and explain the references/jokes, but sometimes I can see his expression change as he stops talking about the subject. We have talked before about how we have almost no interests in common, to which we were both "okay" with, but I still fear that maybe it will make the relationship difficult as we will have very little to connect on.

6) He currently does not have his own car and lives with his grandparent's basement (rent is cheaper than paying for an entire apartment on his own). Although this is something that can change, it makes things kind of awkward because we can't freely do whatever we want at his place as there will be others around.

Some of these things above ^ make me feel..
1) terrible for him (no education, difficult past, almost no friends)
2) embarrassed (no car or own apartment)
3) anxious about the future of our relationship (smoking, night-shift work, unable to get along with his friends, incompatible kinks and view on sex, no interests in common)

It feels like I have found a person who I like physically and appreciate emotionally, but the things that are associated with him are making it hard for me to see where the future will go... like I am uncertain if we'd be able to have a good, steady future together.
I have many insecurities and I'm sure some of these issues ^ come from my insecurities, but I still would like to see if anyone has any advice on what I should do?

TL;DR. Boyfriend is really nice and patient, but his lack of education, night-shift work, lack of mutual interests, different views on sex/possible sexual incompatibility make me very nervous as to if the relationship will work out, and I am not sure what to do.

March 31, 2020, 03:10:58 AM
Reply #1


I would say the best thing to do with your lover

Is getting to know him deeper and giving him the patience that he deserves

As I was reading I can tell that you love him and especially have the good boyfriend to talk about him (you sound so respectful, ha) but best

Is that if you truly love somebody deep down then maybe these things that you are feeling are just temporary and something that just needs improvement

Having a conversation about how he can improve would be better for the relationship

I can tell you both would indeed respect each other


Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
1 Replies
Last post January 14, 2019, 12:21:45 PM
by missg
1 Replies
Last post May 20, 2019, 06:12:46 PM
by Mahleigha
0 Replies
Last post July 02, 2019, 04:25:38 PM
by candygirl14
1 Replies
Last post August 03, 2019, 03:05:24 AM
by chrishen
2 Replies
Last post August 20, 2019, 11:50:07 PM
by SourBash
1 Replies
Last post September 27, 2019, 08:24:32 PM
by Excalibur
1 Replies
Last post December 12, 2019, 04:48:05 AM
by Captain Black
1 Replies
Last post March 07, 2020, 01:00:41 AM
by samsome369
3 Replies
Last post August 20, 2020, 07:45:54 AM
by Kipoewe
3 Replies
Last post July 06, 2020, 05:52:10 PM
by Miriuim
2 Replies
Last post October 08, 2020, 11:56:18 AM
by herkamer63
6 Replies
Last post October 09, 2020, 01:33:07 PM
by Looking4Love