Hi. My name is James and I’m a first-time poster. I need help because I’m in a situation that is totally new to me. I have been completely thrown off by one word in a text and I need to know if I am insane or not. A female friend I’ve secretly had a thing for (for 12 years) just walked back into my life after 10 years of complete disconnect.

The story: We’ve probably known of each other for 15 years because we travel in the same circle of friends. In 2007 at a fraternity semi-formal event, I was waiting in line to buy a drink. This girl came up to me, gave me a hip-check and told me she’d allow me to buy her a drink. That was the way she introduced herself to me. I loved it. We hit it off and became friends. At the time, I was very sick. I was recently diagnosed with end stage renal disease then and being sick was almost a full time job. On top of that, I knew my job was going to let me go for being sick. I was in bad shape and not in a position to date anyone, but she and I stayed friends. Over the next six months, my health got worse. When this girl found out I was sick, she offered to give me a kidney. She went to get tested. She was a match. She was ready to go. However, the doctors chose my cousin as the donor because my cousin was a closer match. She and my cousin were the two suitable donors. I have had this kidney almost 11 years and it’s working perfect. Great news.

The recovery was difficult. I was also out of work long-term and wrapped up in my own stuff. I was in no position to date anyone. This girl and I just fell out of contact. She was always dating someone anyway. I never forgot about her though.

Six weeks ago, she contacted me on Facebook. She and I have had zero contact over the last 10 years. Zero. She suggested that we meet up for a drink. I took her up on the offer. We set a time and I met her at a bar near her house. I understood this to be an “old platonic friends catching up” sort of thing. I walked in there fully expecting her to tell me about some boyfriend she’s in love with, how she’s about to get engaged, or some other BS that I don’t want to hear.   

That isn’t what happened at all, however. We were face to face for the first time in 10 years. She asked me where I lived and I told her. She then told me, in response, that she bought a townhouse nearby about a year ago. She has a young puppy, an elderly cat, and she broke up with her boyfriend. Just like that. It took her 3 minutes to mention that to someone she hasn’t seen in 10 years. (She did NOT say how long she was with him or how long ago she dumped him. She did say a couple times how done with him she was and that she still needs his crap out of her house. I later found out she was with him 6 years and she broke up with him about 2 weeks before she contacted me.)

I couldn’t believe she just said that, so quickly. From there, the vibe changed and it was not my imagination. I am 100% sure of that. The conversation flowed for 3 hours. She laughed at everything I said, including my story about being in the ICU for a week. She twirled her hair. She maintained more eye contact than I could handle. She recalled things about my family that I don’t even remember discussing with her. She asked me what countries I’d been to. What’s your favorite city? This felt more like a first date than any real first date I’ve ever been on.

When we left the bar, I told her that it was great to see her, I had a lot of fun, and that we should do this again sometime soon. This is my way of saying “I am interested in you as more than a friend.” She said “Yes. Maybe next time I can come down your way.” We live 10 miles apart.

 I knew I had to ask this girl on a date. I called her two days before Thanksgiving and asked her if she’d like to go to dinner with me then help me start my next indoor crop of Tijuana Honeysuckle we’ll call it (It’s legal here and I’m a great grower). She said Yes, but couldn’t go on the day I suggested. Her brother was in town from out of state and had plans with him. We couldn’t quite nail down a date on the phone so she said she’d let me know after the holiday. I assumed she meant Thanksgiving. OK with me.

About a week goes by and I don’t hear anything. I send her a text suggesting a location, time, and a couple of days to choose from. Her response is why I am here looking for help.

She said I’m really sorry but I just can’t make plans right now. I am still dealing with this breakup, the holidays are here, and I am just not feeling like my usual social self. It was great to see you and to catch up with an old friend after all of those years, so maybe in a few weeks, after the holiday, I’ll be back to normal and we can make some plans. 

I told her I understood, I’d been there before, and that I hoped the clouds cleared from her sky soon. Have a great Christmas and I’ll catch you later. She replied with Thank you, J. I really appreciate it and I’ll reach out soon to make plans. I hope you have a great Christmas.

I made the decision to respect her boundaries and if she calls me back, she calls me back. She needs her space to heal and pushing it will be guaranteed to torpedo the whole situation.

My whole life I have been crippled with insecurity, self-doubt, and a lack of confidence. The girlfriends that I have had over the years never believed me when I told them this because they never saw it. Coincidentally, I never really cared for any of them. Shocker.

This insecurity, self-doubt, and a lack of confidence is what’s thrown me off about my latest situation. When trying to nail down a date for dinner, her reply specifically used the word “friend”. That word just stuck in my head and is driving me crazy. I felt great until I saw that word. Maybe it doesn’t matter what a night out is established as, because it’s what happens when you’re together that matters.

Am I being insane for being so hung up on that one word? Am I misinterpreting this situation? Have I been Friendzoned? I just need outside advice to set my mind at ease one way or another. I feel stupid asking strangers for advice but I have no choice because I am so bad at this “trying to get a relationship started” stuff. I suck at it.

Thank you for reading my novella and for providing any feedback or insight you may have based on what I’ve told you. It is much appreciated. 

This is my view.

She may well have a liking for you but possibly just as a friend at the moment . I  have many female friends and even in the presence of my wife they will tap me at the waist and then I usually kiss them on their right cheek . That's just being a good close friend. That's how I think this lady see you as a close friend someone she can talk to . It may just develop into a relationship and you will have to see how things pan out .

One thing I am certain about it is far too early for her to go into another relationship . Her emotions are likely to be all over the place and she will need some space to sort things out.

By all means keep tabs on her but just keep her in the friend zone for the time being and see how things develop .

I am sure it's way too early for her. I had no idea it was a six year relationship when I met up with her or asked her to dinner. I left the door open for her to contact me, but I will not initiate contact again. It's on her. She knows how to contact me since she found me after 10 years. Forcing her in any way is the worst thing I could do. She needs time and space so I have to respect that. I feel that once she read my reply telling her that I understood, it prompted her to say that she will reach out soon. I think it made her feel good.

Thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.

I think you are reading too much into the word "Friend" at this time.  She likes you and thought of you after her relationship ended, this is good.  As Cap'n said, it's just too soon for her.  don't give up hope. just wait and see and keep your head up.

I've waited 12 years for her so what's another month or two? Thanks so much for the reply.

She was willing to give you a kidney? Wow, I don't think she sees you as just a friend at all. With the way you described her behaviour during your date, I honestly think she sees you as much more than that (potentially).

The thing is, you aren't going to be sure of her current situation regarding her ex. She might not know what she wants at all atm.

I would say she initiated contact as she very much sees you as a potential partner. And to be blunt, is keeping her options open. Which you probably half understand anyways.

My advice? Yes, don't push anything. However, don't leave future contact in her hands either. A girl likes to know that she is on your mind. I would suggest dropping the occasional text. Nothing heavy, nothing about meeting up. Just the occasional message. Like certainly wish her a great new year come the time. Also the odd 'good morning, hope you have a good day' can't hurt either.

One of these messages could also lead to a dialogue that lasts for hours which will give you greater insight. Girls like to talk

I wish you the best, and hope you get her