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Author Topic: This is a long one, and I am having trouble coping now

May 01, 2019, 11:57:17 PM
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Waxpoetic


Hi all. So, this is a long one, please bear with me.
So I met this woman on a dating site. She's way out of my league, and not someone I would normally write to. But I did, and she responded. Well, I found out later that she initially deleted my message, but logged back in later, saw me online, and decided to write.
Anyway, things are great, first day or two we're messaging each other late into the night. After a day or two she sends me a message that she wants my cell phone number because she doesn't want to take the chance we'll lose contact. So then we start texting, and everything is still going great.
She keeps saying she wants to meet, and she's starting to think I'm not who I say I am. I'm a little busy with work, but I ask her if just to prove I'm really me, we could video chat. That's fine, and we do. We're still texting back and forth and I guess we start asking more and more personal questions about each other. Well, apparently i asked a question that was too personal, and she texts me back that she needed to go, and she'd text me later.
She does text me later, and she says she thinks we should slow things down. I get upset because I don't know what I really did, and we barely speak for a few days. Then we start speaking again, and things kind of go back to normal. We're talking about finally meeting up. But I'm kind of getting the push and pull from her. We finally do make plans to meet on a Thursday, and a few hours before she cancels on me saying she has a thing with her daughter and she's stuck late. I get a little upset, but I ask her if she wants to move the date back later. She gets angry at me and says if I'm going to stress her she might as well cancel all future plans with me. I'm in shock, and I send her a message to let her know that. I go home from work, and I don't hear from her. I take a nap and wake up a little while later and she's sent a text apologizing. I call her and after talking she asks if I wanted to still get together. It's a little too late, so i ask her if we can make plans for Saturday. She's okay with that. Saturday rolls around and I text her in the morning, and she says she had a few errands to run first. Turns out, she tells me it's her mother's birthday, who passed away 11 years ago, and she was going to visit the cemetery with her sister. I tell her we can reschedule so she can spend time with her family. She texts me later in the day to let me know she's with her family, and I don't respond. She then texts me later than evening asking if im mad. I tell her no, that's understand, but i am pretty pissed. Why wouldn't she mention that earlier?
Anyway, now we make plans for Tuesday. Tuesday rolls around and I feel.like she's kind of trying to duck out of it, but doesn't. We get together for dinner, and then grab some drinks after. We're not near either one of our houses, so like teenagers we go back to my CSR and things get a little hot.
Before anything too serious happens, she says that she needs to go home. I drive her to her car, and then out of the blue she asks if I can lend her $20 for gas money because she traveled to see me and was short on cash. So i give her 20.
We make plans to see each other again on Thursday. Thursday rolls around and she can't, she's got problems with her daughter and with work. I talk to her for a bit, and i tell her i can help her out with her work problems. She's crying on the phone with me, but calms down and asks if I want to grab a cup of coffee. So we meet at a Starbucks near me. After that she tells me she's hungry, so we grab dinner, and while we're there she asks if I could grab something for her to take home for her daughter. I say ok, and she also needs a few dollars for gas to get home. I give her gas money, and she goes home. We plan to see each other again on Saturday. Friday night rolls around, and she's telling me she's not sure if she can make it. We're supposed to talk on the phone, but she says now she has plans with her sister. I get really upset and just let it go. A few hours later she calls me and we're talking, she had to take her sister to the hospital because she was ill, but she agrees to see me the next day.
Saturday comes, and I go.out to see her. We go to dinner and then to a bar, and we're talking. She tells me she really isn't ready for a commitment with work and everything else in her life. I'm getting upset, but she's telling me she still wants to go out on dates. At the bar, she tells me she has to grab something for her daughter to eat at home, and she asks me once again if i minded paying. Of course i do, and she asks me to go pick up a bottle of wine while she brought dinner to her daughter, and then because her daughter was home, she wanted to get a hotel room. I grab the wine, and we go to the hotel. It was a complete disaster and all around awkward. Anyway, when I'm leaving to go home, I get a kiss on the check and she asks me to text her when I get home. She texts me again, asking to text her when I'm in, and i do. I don't hear back from her.
I don't hear from her all day Sunday. Or Monday.
Tuesday morning I text her and ask if everything is alright. She says yes, she's just busy with her daughter. I ask if we can speak later, and there's no response. A few hours later I get a text saying she doesn't want anything romantic but we can be friends. Now in all these weeks of texting, I've developed real feelings for her, who the hell knows why. I'm heart broken, and I text back that I didn't believe the reason, and I said goodbye.
I sent an email a few days later kind of airing my grievances, and she never responds.
That was two weeks ago. I called her this afternoon and we spoke for a little while. I basically begged her to see me sometime. Ext week. She doesn't know if that's a good idea but says she wants to be friends. I tell her that I'll be patient while she works through her issues, but she says she doesn't think it will ever happen. I let her know that I am starting therapy for my self confidence issues and she said that I should ask the therapist what he thinks and let her know. She says the reason she's not attracted to me anymore is because of my insecurities.
I'm a wreck. I don't know what to do, but I do know I can't stop thinking about her, and I keep praying that things will work between us.
I'm tired of lying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling crying, and I want to actually experience the dreams she started me thinking of. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat.
Part of what made me feel this way about her is this. I have some health issues, and when she found out she was so supportive, she did research without me even saying anything, and she emailed centers that might be able.to help, and started making plans with me to go to these places out of state. And now there's nothing, and all I want to do is buy my head under the covers and cry. I just don't know what to do.

May 02, 2019, 12:29:44 AM
Reply #1
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Breakupdude25


Wow dude. That’s hinslty way to long. I don’t even wanna read this. Hope you didn’t send a text like this to the girl. Would of put her ass to sleep young blood.

May 03, 2019, 09:45:03 AM
Reply #2
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W_Amadeus_M


I'm tired of lying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling crying, and I want to actually experience the dreams she started me thinking of. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat.
So familiar. You put long text here, so my apologies if I write long answer. And, please, ignore the last comment. Dude just wants free forum post. =]

First of all, hey there!

Sorry, but Yes, Your insecurities ruined it for You, but You still have a chance.
We guys want everything fast. But now think from another perspective, from hers.
1. Woman were shamed many years for being sexually active.
2. If a woman chooses a partner wrongly, then in the end they are left with a baby and a sh*t load of problems.
3. Ding, ding, ding! Referring to point 2, she probably already had one, who left her, so her guards are even more up. It's freaking wall of ice, that You will not break by bashing Your head against it. You need to melt it.

You are clingy. I can say that, because I was too. You found a really good girl and think that no one else is better and no one else will love You.
There is and there will, but that doesn't mean that You can't try to make a future with her.

Why are You clingly? Because You are codependent. Why? There are too many possibilities, but usually it's some kind of problems in childhood with family. Mine was drinking father.
There are few books regarding this. I would recommend "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. It's an old book, but it explains core stuff. Your therapist will help with other, You just need to ask for it.

Why You have self consciousness problems? Because You don't love Yourself. Think about it. How can You love her, if You don't love Yourself? You don't know how to love. That is not something You can learn, because it's already in You, but it's blocked by some reasons You made real for Yourself.
Mine was: I'm socially awkward. Bullsh*t! I'm great and not like others. I have a bad hair line. Who the f*ck cares. I'm a hot mess. I look like I just got out of the bed and rock runway model stormy hair and that is true, I don't try, because my hair is part of me. Focus on good.
You have a job, You are smart. You are kind. You can understand how others feel, because You feel similar.
Just give good conditions to Your self. Try positive affirmations.

Now hard part. The girl!
You need to give yourself and her some space and time.
Tell Her You understood why everything went as it did and You want to work on it.
For that You will have to do some self-reflecting, it's not as interesting as it sounds, but You will have to have some alone time.
This doesn't mean that You will disappear, say that You will check in from time to time and You will appreciate if she does the same.

What this means. You need to start so called "no contact" period. I would recommend at least one month.
WHAT? ONE MONTH? ARE YOU NUTS? I can't make You do this, but I know this helps, but there are prerequisites for that.
1. Start doing something to fill in Your time. Hobbies, reading, volunteering.
2. Start working out. Intensity is up to You, I would recommend at least twice per week. This can be running, Crossfit or P90x3. As long as You get sweating and feel those endorphins kicking in.
3. Hardest one, You need to meet other women. This doesn't have to be something romantic or sex. Who knows, maybe You get new best friend to ask advice. You must understand that Your girl is not only option.

Right now You want to be with her because You are afraid to be alone. This is selfishness and ego talking. But is this right? No! Is this fair to girl? No!
Do You both deserve to be happy? Yes! Together or no, You will be.
How to know if this period helped You? You will know that You will be fine, even if You lose her. (she loses You) Yes, You will be sad for a week or two, but after You will continue in Your awesomeness.
This is not easy, but if done correctly. You will get back together and what is more important, You will stay together.

Keep "check ins" controlled. Better if she starts a conversation. Ask how she is doing, how is her sister and daughter. When asked how You are doing, be honest, say it's too early to see progress or You see progress, but You need a bit more time. Say You appreciated her checking in. Always, ALWAYS, be honest and never beg or cling. Another hard part... keep conversations quite short.

How I see this. She will start respecting You. She MUST see change. She must have trust. This might take a long time, even after Your improvement. She must test You, but when she is sure, she will be Your best teammate. She will want to be Your pillar, but this won't be needed (mostly, everyone has bad days), because You will be shield to protect her and her daughter.

Good luck!


Best regards,
W.A.M.

 

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