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Author Topic: Struggling with overweight wife

February 12, 2020, 09:33:43 AM
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Hi folks,

I'm really struggling mentally and sexually with my wife's current overweight situation. We have been married 11-yrs and I love her with all my heart, but in the past couple of years she has went from being slightly overweight  to a point where now I try to look at her sexually and, for lack of a better explanation, it becomes a turn off for me.

While our sex life isn't what it used to be because we're married and have three kids and are very busy, I shamefully admit that she doesn't have that "wow" factor for me anymore. She used to be able to put on something sexy that would allure me, but now when she does it, it's kind of a hit or a miss. She gets really upset when this happens and generally I just make up an excuse that I'm tired and don't feel up to it... We're probably down to every 4-5 days now, and usually it's not because of her

Now you may say, "Well have you even spoke to her about this concern?". And the answer is no. I'm not going to deny that my wife and I have communication problems, but frankly that is not the heart of the issue here. Long story short, she tends to get extremely defense when I bring things like this up and will somehow spin it like she's the victim without taking any ownership. However, she is aware of her problem. She struggles looking at herself in the mirror. She even makes off color comments that she's so lucky to have me because no one else would have sex with her (in reference to her weight). The thing here is: I just really don't want to hurt her feelings by bringing this up and addressing it. And for the record, she has tried losing weight and I fully acknowledge how challenging it is to do so.

Last but not least, I hope I painting the picture of being a judgmental prick here. I bring my own set of problems to the marriage. But I want the best possible resolution here for our marriage. It really takes a toll on me. I feel like I can't love my wife the way she needs to be loved. Then I get depressed because I ask myself, "how awful of a person are you that you can be intimate with your wife because of her looks?". I can literally feel her pain when she tries to get intimate with me and I just shun her away, but please understand that it hurts me just as much in doing so. Sex has always been a visual thing for me, and apparently it's driving a wedge between us in bed these days.

February 12, 2020, 11:25:40 AM
Reply #1


" I'm not going to deny that my wife and I have communication problems, but frankly that is not the heart of the issue here." I believe it is, if you would talk to her in slow, respecting and understanding matter of the problem you both could find a common ground on the topic.

"Sex has always been a visual thing for me" It's not just you, it's all men in general, we are biologically programmed to be stimulated more visually than emotionally, it's normal and you shouldn't feel bad about it, I get your point of being with her 11 years, that's a lot, but if you are not happy you should talk about it. Theres always 3 things you put before a woman: 1. You 2. Your Hapinnes 3. Your career, ofc the third one is more for new relationships but you still get the point (I hope).

So in the end you will have to sit and talk about it if it is a real problem for you.

February 17, 2020, 06:46:44 PM
Reply #2


Communication is everything here! I think there are nice ways you can go about this to gently talk about it. If you have noticed a change in her body then she will have noticed this too for sure and might be feeling worried or insecure or even depressed about the issue. You could even start this by saying maybe you want to get in better shape or if you think you should both look to eat a bit healthier... anything to gently open the topic could really help!


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