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Author Topic: Stick together or separate

September 27, 2019, 04:29:06 PM
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Hi all,

I need to vent and/or get advice and/or get a metaphorical slap to the face so I'm just going to plunge into it. Whilst the details are true, the names have been changed.

I've been married to Susan for about 7-8 years, and we've been together for a total of around 8-9 years. We've had 3 kids, 6, 4, and 2 years old. Over those years, we've changed greatly and been through much. However, our relationship has grown pretty weak and it's not helped by the fact she has chronic fatigue syndrome. Over those years, I've had crushes on other women, but never done anything about those, partly because they were unavailable, partly because I didn't want to wreck things.

Lately, however, things have shifted somewhat - after about a year of low sex and frequent period of not having couple time, I had to go to aboard on a business trip; on the trip with me was Jennifer, who is very attractive, and we had a fair bit of fun whilst over there; we work together on a semi-regular bias and are based in the same office. This highlighted to me how miserable I was feeling back home. Know, nothing happened whilst I was over there, but... I kinda wish it had. She's unattached and might be interested in me (I'd guess 20% chance of that but it's not zero).

Once I got back home, Susan and I had a talk about our marriage, even considering the idea of splitting up - probably with some sort of arrangement where I sleep downstairs in the living room so I and the kids get to see each other still. Ironically, on a friendship and parenting level, we still get along very well and have similar views on alot of things - she's a very good mother and wants me to be in their lives no matter what happens between us. We eventually concluded that we should give it another go and try to fix things, and things have been better since then (I got back from the trip approximately a week ago). However, I feel like I'm abit ... smitten? ... with Jennifer and I wonder if it's worth trying still to fix things with Susan. I know things probably wouldn't work out with Jennifer, but part of me thinks if I'm thinking this way about Jennifer, it seems like my marriage with Susan is pretty doomed. There is also the problem that Jennifer is still looking for dates on Tinder and its possible she might find someone.

Complicating the matter (aside from the kids) is the worry I have that this is apart of a midlife crisis (I'm 34 and Susan was my first proper relationship - yeah, I know, very late starter, and I think Jennifer is in her mid to late 20's); I also don't want to hurt anyone, and leaving Susan would probably hurt Susan even though she knows its a possibility at this time. I believe we can -probably- keep from hurting the kids as we can work together still, but it is possible we'd hurt them in the process too.

So, do I stay with Susan and somehow put thoughts of Jennifer out of my mind (advice on that would be helpful!)? Or do I bite the bullet and separate, and try to date Jennifer, and if that doesn't work out, go on Tinder or something?

September 28, 2019, 07:24:23 PM
Reply #1


Odds are things prolly won't ever get better. You are both still young enough to find your true soulmates you only get 1 life get out there and live it before it's to late

October 01, 2019, 06:37:28 AM
Reply #2


I'm not sure I'm in the current position to give any advice, but whatever. You have to think of yourself on this. Of course you love your family and want everyone to be ok. But if you're miserable, and have been, could just get worse and worse. And at some point your kids will take notice. They could see you guys miserable for a long time, potentially end in divorce anyhow, instead of dealing with you guys separating and seeing you both happy. Again, I'm fresh from a breakup with fiance, 3 kids involved and a home...so take what I say with a grain of salt.

October 04, 2019, 11:34:05 AM
Reply #3


How much effort have you put into rectifying your relationship with Susan? Your post didn't mention it, so I'm going to assume an adequate effort was not made by earlier party. I think you're way too invested to consider a split unless you can further elaborate.

October 06, 2019, 03:06:56 AM
Reply #4


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October 08, 2019, 11:40:42 PM
Reply #5


I've recently been in a very similar position. I have one daughter I wasn't married but had been in the relationship for 13 years. Since having ur 6yr old my partner and I hadn't been intimate. Last year I started a new job and was attracted to someone at work who was also attracted to me. Nothing happened! But this said enough about my relationship for me to realise it was over. I did break up with my partner and separated. My daughter was affected and telling her was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I am glad I did it it was the right thing to do.


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