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Author Topic: Standard of living is really low with my wife, can't seem to raise it

March 27, 2020, 06:57:03 PM
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Hello. Thanks for taking the time to read this and also for allowing me to vent a little bit. I've been in a pretty bad relationship for the last 10 years and I'm having trouble breaking away. I've made some really bad decisions over the course which I am dealing with now.

To put it mildly, my wife has several addictions. Online shopping is a HUGE problem and we get deliveries upwards of 4 and 5 times per day. She also gets very upset when I try to raise our standard of living but I've been somewhat paralyzed as well in my ability to move forward. We live as unorganized as 20 year olds in their first apartment except now we have a 2700 square ft house.

I had some IRS issues so I asked her to put our businesses in her name. She uses this as leverage now to bind me to the relationship. I have tried to set up a way for me to leave amicably but if I just pack up and leave, I would be leaving without anything I've worked on over the last 10 years. I've done about 90% of the work and she struggles a lot to just do the 10% I've asked of her. She "answers e-mails" for our businesses, so this gives her full claim. The only thing I can think to do is just shut everything down.

Our biggest problem is with things that we find acceptable in our living space. For example: I drive a Lexus and I keep it clean. I really like that clean feeling of getting into a car that I love and the feeling of it being presentable. She drives a Honda Pilot that is always full of trash, sometimes weeks worth. I clean it out for her every couple of weeks after I realize how much of a mess it is. She still leaves coke bottles, drinks, and trash in my car and she can't even respect the fact that I'd like to keep that little bit of space clean.

We moved into this house about a month ago and we haven't furnished it yet. We have a couple of couches and a bedroom set. I'd like to spend a few thousand dollars on furnishing it but I still see so many of the old habits which she promised she wouldn't bring here. Ordering stuff all the time for example, throwing all of the ordered stuff on shelves, cabinets, etc. without unpacking it, and leaving drinks all over the place.

She bitches about how much laundry there is but she goes through 3-4 outfits per day! I often wear the same pants for 2 or 3 days, especially if I'm just working from home and not getting them dirty. I do things to try to minimize how much laundry there is.

She hasn't cooked a meal in years but she's constantly ordering groceries. Whenever I cook, she tells me she's not hungry. I asked her what she ate yesterday: "A few lunchables, some cookies, chips, and a sandwich". That's great, except for she ordered 4 loafs of break, a 40 pack of pita, three packs of tortillas, large burrito tortillas, etc. etc. Who's going to eat all of this? She was "planning" to make this and that, but never does.

She also has a big drug problem with opiates. She's "dependent" not "addicted" because a doctor prescribed them to her. She's had 3 surgeries over the last 3 years. Now that her shoulder is fixed, she has a crisis with her foot so she has to keep taking the pills.

I'm just at my wits end. I'd like to have a house that is presentable. She has no shame either. The house was upside down and the water delivery guy came over. I was taking a nap because I've been sick and she yells "what do you want him to do with the water". Embarrassed about the state of the house (especially in this nice of a neighborhood), I said "just have him leave everything on the porch". She has him come inside, set up the fountain, leave the 3 five-gallon bottles in the kitchen, etc.  Completely and totally non-sensicle because I have to take these things into the garage now.

She tells me she wants to "talk" about it but anytime we go to talk, I give her a "headache" so we never get past point A. The way I see the conversation is simple. Point A takes us to Point B which takes us to Point C. She knows that I'm right in my logic and thinking so she will argue with me over Point A to avoid Point B. This will go on for HOURS in some cases.

For example:

So, you order this on Amazon. What are you planning to do with it?
Answer: Well, I ordered it because of this reason and we needed it because of this reason, and I thought because of this reason, and I asked you about this, so I assumed we need that, and because we needed that, this is why I ordered 450 rolls of toilet paper.

OK great. But where were you planning to put them?

UGh. I just don't know what to do. I'm screwed.

March 27, 2020, 07:01:25 PM
Reply #1


Oh let me add to this. About furnishing our new home:
I decorated our last home so nice! It was perfect. I would wake up in the morning, vacuum everything, wipe down the counters etc. If anyone knocked on the door I could invite them inside! Then without fail she floods the house because the water disposal hose came out of the washing machine. She almost flooded this house too about a week after we moved in. But yea.. I've just kind of given up.

I've been contemplating suicide. It seems to be the only way out. I know I shouldn't say these things but I feel like maybe she's trying to force me into doing that. Needless to say, there is no sex in this relationship. She NEVER cooks. She's not a wife, she's just some person I live at this point. I've been thinking of her as my "karma" for some horrible thing I did in a past life.

March 27, 2020, 11:45:39 PM
Reply #2


Mate don’t bite the bullet - you are better than that.

Money can be earned, things can be bought but it will never make you happy. You need out.

Before you leave set up your own bank account, transfer some dollars into it so you can get yourself set up. Plan the move. Also Speak to a lawyer, understand your options and go from there. Make an informed decision. Important thing is you make a plan.

Allow her to live in her own squalor - she will likely be surprised you are standing up for yourself and react badly. She will likely threaten you and potentially threaten suicide. Make sure you have a support network around you for it. It will be hard but it will work out for the best.


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