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Author Topic: Retroactive Jealousy?

October 09, 2019, 12:43:59 PM
Read 745 times


OK, so I'm new here and here is my backstory.  Will try to keep it short and to the point.  I've been with my fiancé now for 2.5 years.  We are getting married next July.  I'm 43 she's 27.  I met her when I was still married and after our 2nd date I moved out and got divorced.  (My marriage was 16 years long with one son but should have ended years prior)  She was single but had 2 friends with benefits.  I love this woman and she is super intelligent and beyond beautiful.  We've been living together over 2 years and we do basically everything together.  Our sex life is insane and we have sex 6-10 times per week.  We cuddle every night and every morning and our communication is great.  I've never been one to be jealous before but some things came up from her past and I've had a really hard time dealing with it.

First, she's had many partners before me.  She was basically single with the exception of one long relationship in her teens and didn't want a serious relationship.  So, she basically had friends with benefits etc.  I've always had longer committed relationships so it's hard for me to relate.  About a month ago I got this really awful feeling and found an old phone of hers so I charged it and opened it.  I have no idea why in the world I did this and I regret doing it.  This phone has been around the entire time we've been together.  Anyways, I found a text string with her talking to the guy she was sleeping with when we first met.  It was awful and really made me see her in a different light.  Ended up also finding out that he had just turned 18 (she was 24) and still in high school.  The images in my head just won't go away and I'm trying hard to not dwell on it.  I told her what I did and explained why I was so upset.  She doesn't want to be with him and never did.  She was clear about that in her messages with him as he wanted a relationship and she kept saying she will disappear on him if he pursues one.  She was only using him for sex but to me that makes it that much harder to deal with.  Knowing in detail what he did to and with her really is upsetting me.

I know we all have a past and one that has private moments that we should never share with our current partners.  She has issues with my previous marriage as I was with my ex when she was just 9 years old.  I know if she ever read messages between me and my ex wife she would be upset as well.  It's been about a month now since this happened and each day has gotten easier and I know without a doubt that she loves me more than anything so I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to get past this and never think about it again.  I have every intention on marrying this woman as she is truly amazing I just don't want to ever judge her like I did when I first read this.

thanks in advance

October 14, 2019, 08:42:01 AM
Reply #1


Hi, I just read your post. I was in the same situation some Years ago. I've read her messages sometimes while she was lying next to me asleep. It was a bad feeling to know how she texted to outher guys.
At first i wanna give a big thumbs up because you have told her what you did and that shows that youre more man that the most out there and me as well.
The easiest way is to get past this is to see the woman you love as what she realy is and how she acts when she's around you.
The connection in a relationship gets stronger every day if you work on it. Also a woman needs more time to fall in love with a man, than otherwise.
So forget about the 18 Year old guy she  worte as you two first met and don#t judge her because at the beginning she doesn't know how great you are.

Hope that helps a little bit


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