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Author Topic: Relationship issues and the effect on sex

October 21, 2019, 09:59:13 AM
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Hi there,

I'm a 29-year old guy currently in a relationship for two years with a 31 year old man (I'm gay and he's bisexual) and things have been very rocky from the start. It's mostly because I'm very insecure which means from the beginning I was being very suspicious and constantly seeking for confirmation and reassurance about all kinds of topics (most of them were really not worth it). Things like sex, his previous relationships, the frequency in which he had to give me attention were being argued and discussed about so much it lead to him breaking up with me for two times but we eventually keep coming back together. Right now I'm going to a therapist and he's been going with me for the last two times. I realized my behavior was also unacceptable to maintain a balanced relationship and he also had admitted that his way of communication was often not helping me becoming 'less insecure' (he would get angry and ignore me and sometimes saying he wants to break up again). The main problems are

- We have different sex drives (mine is higher than his) and I'm having a hard time accepting 'no' because of my insecurity. I would love to have 4-5 times a week he likes it 2-3 times. Because of the relationship issues I have a feeling he isn't really eager to initiate (which is kind of a problem when I'm afraid of rejection)
- He's unhappy in the relationship because he feels Im draining him with my constant questions (which could be happening every day) but he still tries to please me once I get down or get insecure.
- Currently I'm also kind of stuck in life with finding a job I really want and right now I have a job I'm really not enjoying. So I need to work on that too.

In the past I frequently tried initiating sex but it was more kind of out of a need to be reassured that I'm loved and other times it was really because I'm feeling it. Because I have the feeling that he doesn't really feel all that much to have sex (because of our problems) and because I am afraid of rejection I'm starting to lose my interest to initiate as well and started to masturbate more. This is not what I want. I want to solve the problems, get the connection back and the feeling to have sex more often. He also mentioned he really doesn't feel loved because I'm always busy with my own emotions (I admit I failed at supporting him during his school/job when it was really needed and kind of slowed him down) and I know what he's talking about. It's just that most of the time I am in my own way and it destroys what otherwise could be a good and balanced relationship. The thing is I can't control my emotions very well or my insecurity, which most of the time leads me to start discussing about another topic which leads to him being frustrated and unhappy. He told me he really wants to help me and stay in the relationship but he also told me that it won't work if I keep being dependent en draining all the time.

Is there any advice you can give me on the 'sex' part? I really think this is the main issue since I started to see sex as some kind of confirmation of being loved instead of something super exciting and fun (it became an obsession). It had put pressure on my partner in the past which lead him to pull back more which again causes my anxiety/insecurity to increase. If he would not get an erection I would get kind of mad and started to take it way too personal (this was long ago, I more or less stopped with that). Now I'm starting to lose interest to initiate and I want to revive and keep it alive. What can I do?


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