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Author Topic: Please Help

December 12, 2019, 06:23:07 AM
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Mcal24


Hi All,

I am desperately seeking advice from your own experiences so I can make a firm decision;

I have known my wife since 11 years now, we got married in 2014. Our marriage like every other has had its own ups and downs but thinking back I feel that I have let things go very easily for all what she put me through. Throughout our time together I realized I have never been appreciated for what I have done, always been compared to others, sworn at and insulted in front of my inlaws.

1) She has always compared me with our mutual friends or her relatives stating how others earn so good and I should do more, how in her family women don't need to work and she needs to slog to bring money home. How some of her friends husband earn so good that her girl friends stay home and do all the shopping they wish to do.

2) We had an understanding that I do the housework and she helps me as she was not required to do any work at her maternal home and she cannot cook,I work usual 9 to 6 shifts Mon to Fri and sometimes I work longer and when I return home I cook mostly everyday except for the takeout days. Never has she bothered to tell me leave the cooking for her to do and I take rest or cleaning the house. She does wash clothes only when she desperately needs her things to be washed.

3) I sacrifice going out meeting colleagues or friends for drinks or catchup unless my wife authorizes me to do so. So last minute plans is a complete NO. She wants me all for herself as she is unable to make good friends with her own colleagues.

4) She had the audacity to tell me not to send money to my own father who is jobless, diabetic, partially blind and alone at home sighting that because of this she cannot enjoy life or travel around.

5) She complaints about the job she has for 4 years now, not a week has gone by she moans about it but never done anything to move away from the job and then accuses me that she is in this situation because I am not capable enough.

6) She snaps for the smallest of reasons and fights with me, just 3 months back she snapped back at me saying that she regrets of being with me and living a poor life and that I come from a poor family( we stay close to central London in a 2 bed apartment paying a good amount of money)

7) She snapped at me just because of a stupid flight ticket which was booked for afternoon to return to London instead of evening in front of my inlaws which not only made me feel insulted but embarrassed and I broke down in tears.

Now since past 3 months we are not on good talking terms as she again was abusive to me over phone and I dont wish to mend this relationship anymore and want to walk away. Please advice if the decision I am taking is fair or I need to give another chance.

December 12, 2019, 06:44:56 AM
Reply #1
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Captain Black


I have to say I am genuinely shocked at most of your points especially as its a well established relationship.

I have to say this , this relationship has turned so toxic you need to get out of it for your own good. She has so much control over you and at first I thought I was reading about a "D and s" relationship but it isn't. Slaves get treated better !

If you want to save this relationship then the only way forward is to seek professional help from  a marriage guidance counsellor otherwise I think you need to get out .

IMO its got that bad and you deserve somebody who wants to care for you and work with you as a partner . Being in no relationship is better than being in a toxic relationship .

I would appreciate that you keep me posted on this .

Kind Regards

December 12, 2019, 07:01:13 AM
Reply #2
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Mcal24


Hi Captain,

Thanks for your reply.

I have always tried to work on this relationship and have only let things go everytime. In her defense she has never been happy with the way her career has gone which has made her aggressive as a husband I have only motivated her everytime and asked her to do something about it. She is afraid to move because of set backs at previous workplaces.

She even cursed my job (which is Hospitality) saying that some day your employer will throw you. Which did happen not because I did something wrong, the whole team loved and adored me but due to company takeover the role was no longer required since then I have stopped even sharing the bed and sleep on the couch.

The other day she asked to end the fight and start talking, I told everything what has hurt me over the past years and the one thing which I will never forget is the time she insulted me in front of her mother and brother. After discussing with my sister who asked me to give her a chance on my terms I told her if she wants to work on the relationship she needs to put equal effort in everything to which my wife was not much happy about. She still thinks that the whole fight is because she does not cook. She is just missing the whole picture.

Previously when my wife cried it hurt me a lot and made me think that I could do more but the other day when she cried my heart just blocked me out for feeling anything towards her which is not who I am.

December 12, 2019, 07:17:45 AM
Reply #3
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Captain Black


The ball is firmly in your court .If the toxicity has only been relatively recent then seek professional help if you want the relationship  to continue. This however as been one of the worst cases of controlling I have seen and certainly the worst instigated by a woman who is normally the caring side of the relationship.

If she wants to genuinely stop the fight then make it a condition that you both sit in from of a counsellor and let him/her immediate and come up with a plan that is acceptable to you both . That is the only way I can see this relationship surviving.

Otherwise I think longer term you will be better out of it .

I have been working on the assumption that there are no children in the background as none have been mentioned.

Take care

Kind Regards
« Last Edit: December 12, 2019, 07:19:23 AM by Captain Black »