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Author Topic: Not finding wife sexually attractive anymore and fear of sex therapist.

July 24, 2019, 07:36:22 PM
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eventually


I need help. It is a common issue – but I could do with some specific advice. I have stopped finding my wife sexually attractive, not just physically but psychologically too. I still love her and want the relationship to last. We have young children (4 & 2) and I want the relationship to last beyond them leaving the parental home. We still have occasional sex but it is very difficult for me to really enjoy it. I have faked orgasm more than once. I have since been honest about that and we still try to have sex. Maybe we manage it once every couple of weeks. Sex, not unusually down turned during pregnancy of the first child, and never recovered. 
Physically my partner is not unattractive.  She has stopped shaving her pubic area. She finds shaved uncomfortable in the heat and I am not sure I would shave mine just to get a blow job if it caused me skin rashes. I find it gross to look at. I have tried to reframe my response for ages but unsuccessfully. I cannot reprogram what I find sexually appealing any more than anyone else. I don’t tell her because I do not wish to apply unnecessary pressure on what is her personal decision. I don’t go down on her anymore so it is obvious enough that I don’t like it, I don’t think she needs to know the degree to which I find it gross, it would be unfair.  She cuts her hair much shorter now as well as we moved to a hotter climate. She knows I don’t like it but she feels uncomfortable in the Summer here, she grows her hair out once it gets cooler because she knows I prefer longer hair but it never returns to ‘long’ how it used to be. I find the whole look unattractive to me.
A far bigger problem is the psychology behind our sex. Her libido / sexual accelerator has dropped, not completely but somewhat. However, we have no real hindrance to enjoying more sex. The children sleep through the night, we do have together time, we do actually try to have sex, it just isn’t working. Her attitude to sex has changed, she will get herself off physically but she doesn’t engage with shared fantasy like we used to. We don’t have a shared sexuality as we used to. I feel she just wants to scratch a physical itch. It’s like someone reading a Wikipedia page about a movie instead of enjoying the movie. We have spoken about the problem, she wants to solve it. However she wants to solve it by learning some story that turns me on or something… but that isn’t what I need. I want to have a sexual life we share, co-create and both enjoy, not one she just learns rote, like a script. It wasn’t like this before – what we had before was great, I’m not expecting the impossible. I thought things would get better as kids get older but it doesn’t.
It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship, builds resentment from my side as I am continuously subverting my sexual desires and it feels, perhaps wrongly, unfair.  Finally it means that my mind wanders, I have started having sexual dreams and fantasies about my ex rather than my partner. I find it difficult to fantasize about women I haven’t had a connection with and my brain has decided the current one is so unsexual there is no point trying. This is causing me to rip myself up inside with self-loathing. I don’t even get on with my ex – although I have to see her because we have a shared child however the sex was always incredibly good. It makes me very uncomfortable, which in moments of frustration make me deeply resentful of my partner who the unreasonable part of me sees as responsible for driving me away from her sexually. As a consequence I touch her less, sleep elsewhere in the house - which has started to make her upset.  My partner wants us to visit a sex therapist but I am pretty sure if I was honest about everything, it would destroy my family and relationship. So I view a sex-therapist as very threatening. My partner sees me not wanting to see a therapist as me “not wanting to fix our relationship”, whereby I see going to a therapist as potentially destroying our relationship, which is not a view I can give without it leading to more damned questions.
Any non-misogynistic advice on how to manage any aspect of these problems is useful. I do not want this relationship to end.

August 11, 2019, 04:20:33 AM
Reply #1
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S4r4h


Hey, I hope its not to late to answer something. For me it sounds like you really care about your relationship, because you want to fix it, even if youre facing a hard time at the moment. But from my perspective it sounds like youre wife does too. She wants to see a sex therapist, so even if it doesnt seem like it, she wants to change something. To get everything right again, you both have to talk about everything that stands between you two. Its unconfortable to talk about all this, I get that. But it can only help. doing nothing could end things.
A therapist is a professional trained person and seeing one could be an important step to work on your problems. Therapy works with you, not on you, so I can imagine it really can help. If you still feel like you dont want to see one, I think it could help to hold on your remaining sexlife. Give your kids to their grandparents for a night or a whole weekend, take an evening as a couple, go out, have a great time, feel good. Remain little things, hugs kisses, tease each other. Talk about daily life. Explore your fantasies and wishes. Start with little things, that can make a huge difference. I hope this can help you a little bit :)
Best

September 01, 2019, 02:50:23 PM
Reply #2
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Forum user


Have you tried talking about it?
It's important to discuss this with your partner in my opinion :)

 

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