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Author Topic: Need some help

August 14, 2019, 10:25:41 AM
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Hi All,

My wife and I have been together for 18 yrs married for 5 of them.  I started dating her when I was 18. I truly love her.  We have experienced life’s ups and downs together.  But this is eating me up.  My apologies this might be a little long.  I will be using paragraphs!  My wife started to play tennis with a guy that she admits is good looking.  There were a couple of times in the beginning I expressed my concern.  She alleviated my fears when I brought them up.  After several months they would go to a bar and get a beer.  She never asked me if it was ok.  She just started doing it.  I allowed it and we both agreed upon a time that she should be home.  It only allowed her about 45 minutes to get a beer.  I know many of you are probably laughing but I didn’t want to be the stereotypical jealous guy.  I also believed her when she said that nothing was happening.  She gave me no reason to not believe her throughout the years.
I continue to monitor the situation and saw that things were changing.  She was growing more smitten.  I kept on pestering her with questions.  One response riled me up.  She said that he could wisk her away anywhere in the world.  I took exception to the statement.  We got into a fight.  Then my wife started to come home later.  I was desperate.  I don’t like what I did.  But I started to lock her out of our apartment.  Of course she got upset.  More fights ensued.  Eventually she told me after a fight that she was no longer seeing him.  It wasn’t worth the turmoil.
2 yrs later I have a dream of my wife and this man.  In bed together. Possibly my denial coming out and saying hello.  Totally out of the blue.  I look at an old phone of hers.  I see that she was trying to go out with him after she told me that she wouldn’t see him again. Their schedules don’t match up and supposedly they don’t meet up.  I bring this up to her and her whole demeanor changes.  She writes me an email apologizing saying that she met up with him before a friend’s get together and got a quick beer with him.  She also mentions that he came by her work because he had a conference next to her work.  They got a coffee and that’s that.  She also says that after tennis one day that they went to a high end bar and he ordered food and drink.  In her words it was a lunch date.  She blames him for stealing her time and that she constantly said no to his advances. Lastly she admits that she was deleting all correspondence with him.

Turns out she was lying about the lunch date.  It never happened.  She made up the date to cover for the fact that she did not get a quick beer before the friend’s get together.  She used the friends get together as a ruse to hang out one night.  They drank  or the entire night from 6 30 pm to 11 15 pm.  She came home trashed and euphoric that night around 12.  She later admitted that he would occasionally caress her arm and legs when they hung out.  Her original apology didn’t sit well with me.  Within it were true emotions with lies sprinkled in.  She was trying to be forgiving but in my gut I knew she was lying.
I asked her if all the emails that were exchanged were merely for tennis.  She said yes.  I was able to find pictures that they sent from each other’s vacations.  Multiple times of them trying to find time to “hang out” and grab/dinner or drinks.   
It drove me nutty.  I actually created a calendar for an entire year and a half and made note to see where she was each day.  I started to see wholes in her story.
It took me an entire year to find out about her date with him that lasted an entire night.  Throughout the year she consistently lied to me about meeting him for a quick beer.  Eventually the lies caught up to her and only until I showed her visual evidence did she recant and admit to spending the entire evening with him.  She even said that if I were to bump into her at the bar that particular night she would have invited me over to join them.  I’m actually scared at the denial of this statement.  I asked her a lot of questions during that year.  She never really took the time to answer them without attitude until I was in tears or we were on the verge of breaking up.  It’s been really taxing on my sanity.  One second I look over and see my loving wife and the next I want to send her packing for good.
Part of me believes her that she was embarrassed by the whole thing and that she thought she could have a flirty friendship.  I repeatedly relive these situations in my head.  Then I start to ask her questions.  Only until a couple of months ago has she addressed some of my concerns.  I am extremely stressed out.  I am toeing the line between anger/hurt/depression and holding back my emotions so as to not anger my wife.  The line is getting smaller each day.  I want to let out the emotion but my wife doesn’t want to speak to me about it.  I still have concerns about the whole thing.  She just wants to swipe it under the rug and pretend that it never happened.  I don’t want to lose her but it’s very difficult for me to trust her again.
We have done some marriage counseling.  And I’m seeing a psychologist.  Has anybody else experienced something similar?  Sorry for the rant.