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Author Topic: Need advice: Girlfriend has been sexting during "dryspel" / sexual frustration

May 22, 2020, 11:53:26 AM
Read 395 times


Hello guys,

this is my first post, and I'm not super comfortable, but this situation has convinced me finally to talk about it:

I'm together with my girlfriend for a while now. Everything has been perfect, and we really like spending time with each other, taking care of each other, and really know what the other needs. Everything would be okay - except one thing:

I have been suffering under erectile dysfunction for a while, leading to the problem that sex has not been possible - we have resorted to other forms of intimacy. This has put a lot of stress on our relationship, and we talked about it. I started working on this, and noticed some serious improvements.

At the same time, she moved into my flat during the quarantine (we're both MBA students right now) - something that was not really planned, but in the end happened due to practical reasons...

In this situation (quarantine, not being able to go out, see other people) our relationship has suffered a bit.

One day I noticed her sending explicit texts to one of her friends - something about dancing dirty and his privates. When confronting her, she resorted to a misunderstanding and language issues (she's latina and writes with him in spanish).

I accepted that, and we moved on - still I was suspicious.

I snooped around her whatsapp, and found my suspicion confirmed: For 2 days, they have been talking dirty (what they would do to each other) and sending some private pictures (non-nudes from her, privates from him).

Now I really don't know what to do:

1. I know from the chat that this has been a one-time thing. No messages like that have been exchanged after that incident.
2. Nothing happened except this "sexting", and our relationship has been great, and improving again..

So here's my problem:
- If I confront her, I will need to let her know I've been snooping around her phone - a break of trust she might take as a reason to end the relationship, no matter whether the reason was valid or not
- On one hand I can understand her sexual desire in a time of frustration, but then again I believe there are other ways besides writing friends
- I don't know yet if I can forget it if I don't bring that topic up..

Sorry for the long text, but I hope you have some ideas for me...

May 26, 2020, 09:32:52 AM
Reply #1



I don't think you should try to forget what you saw. You'll be thinking about it whether you want it or not, and everytime she does something a little suspicious, you'll start to look for (and actually find) correlations.

Depending on what you are willing to do with her, there are I think 2 options.

1. You tell her you can't help thinking about that dancing dirty text, that you're positive there was no language misunderstanding, and that you need her to tell you the truth, about what she's been doing, if she's sending or receiving dirty messages or anything. You can tell her you understand current situation isn't easy on her, but that you just need to hear the truth.
If she hides the truth, then just ask yourself : "do I wish to spend my life with a girl who does dirty talks with other guys, hide it from me, and lie to me when I try to confront her?".
If your answer is yes, and you think she is worth that risk (it could escalate pretty easily), then just forget about it and get ready for depression.
If your answer is no, tell her that you saw what she had been done, that you know you broke a trust once, but she did twice, both by doing the dirty talk and by lying to you. And then depending on what she says, you might break up.

2. You confront her. This will probably end up with a break up.

I just don't feel there is a scenario where you can hide what you know, live in the fear of being made a fool of, and still become happy with her.
You can forgive her for what she did once, but you can't live with it despite the fear and the pain.
So best case scenario : she admits what she's done, and apologize about it. Then you can decide to move on (or not).

Good luck anyway!

June 02, 2020, 04:38:23 AM
Reply #2


It is frustrating dealing with erectile dysfunction. A lot of guys do. I do from time to time with no explanation other than nervous energy regarding performance and a prior surgery that may have messed up some of the sexual nerves.

With your issue in mind, she should not be looking for sex with another man unless she is honest and upfront about opening the relationship up.

It is obvious there is not a language barrier. She is not stupid. She is cheating. Because of this it will likely never have a chance unless she responds correctly to you confronting her. Perhaps you two need to be more open sexually. But there has to be trust. And communication. And she's broken those two things. I'd confront her but know likely it isn't meant to be.

September 12, 2020, 02:12:45 PM
Reply #3


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September 12, 2020, 08:04:22 PM
Reply #4

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