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Author Topic: My long term fiancée and I are having problems.

October 09, 2020, 11:56:41 AM
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Anonybrad


I lied to her about a few things after she verbally abused me. She says she can't trust me now and won't accept any responsibility for her own actions.

So, about a year ago I got a second job. Both of them involve stocking retail stores. It's not outside work but it's still heavy lifting and labor. Both of them wanted me working every weekend Friday through Monday as well as various other days. Nothing wierd there, retail does most of its business on weekends.

My personal problems start with me getting home at about 10:30 PM  and having to wake up by 5AM at the very latest. I have to fit supper and showering in there with my sleep too. Not counting meal breaks and driving I had 67 hours of labor every weekend to 15 hours of sleep. I couldn't stay awake on the road by the third day of my 4 day schedule.

We had also agreed, when I had one job that I would take $25 to work as an allowance for food and anything I wanted every week. But I was never given more than $20. It was more than do-able at the one job. But when I worked both jobs the money ran out and I needed more.

So that's how things started.

I told her I needed more money for the week and she screamed at me. I'm not good at handling being screamed at, I kind of shut down. So I opened a secret bank account and started diverting a little direct deposit money there for food. After a month or so I brought it up again. Explaining I was making more than twice the money, I just need a little more to get through the week. She screamed at me again, I don't think she even heard me really. So I waited, my secret bank account built up excess money over months, a couple hundred dollars was in there at this point. I came to her again, not wanting to keep secrets anymore. I brought her a list of reasons why I think I should have more than $20 per week for food at work while I work two jobs. As soon as I started listing my reasons she started screaming again. So, being me, I retreated again.

Soon after she found a reciept from the secret account ATM in my car. She was livid. We had a huge fight and she said she can never trust me again. But we were still together, so I have hope we will heal from that.

Now to my second problem, the overworking. As I said earlier by the third day of my solid 4 day schedule I fell asleep at least twice on the third day every week, and at least half a dozen times on day 4, all while driving alone. This is obviously dangerous. I got really lucky because every time I woke up in the oncoming lane there was no traffic going that way.

I talked to her about working too hard and falling asleep on the road. But she always says I'm being lazy. That when she was babysitting in our house or right down the road from it she had longer hours. Which is true, she used to go from 3AM to 11PM some days with various children. But it wasn't hard labor and she didn't risk a major car crash. So she brings up how her dad works long hours at the shipping yard and he never complained in his life. Which is also true, I don't know how he does what he does with absolutely zero thanks. I just wish she wasn't belittling the problems I was having.

After I had to be out of work for about a week waiting for a Covid-19 test to come back(another story). I realized one of my workplaces (a big box store I won't name) had this crazy ironclad you can be out if you're uncomfortable kind of policy. So I started coming in late at the end of my weekends. Then even missed a day here and there to catch up on some much needed sleep. All with no apparent consequences. I continued to work both jobs but I told my fiancée "i have a short day" or "I'm off" and I did spend some days pretending to be at work. But really I went to the library for the free wifi and to start writing a book.

Eventually I was skipping alot of work from the big box store. Taking off just because it was her one day off and I wanted to spend it with her, or because I wanted to write more. So my checks started to really reflect that and she got suspicious. A couple of fights later i decided to leave all the stress behind and write her a letter with everything I've done wrong and why i did it. I chose a letter because she can't interrupt me to scream. I wouldn't shut down halfway through and go cry somewhere. I even included things she didn't know yet (music subscription, the verbal abuse she doesn't think counts because her mom was abusive) I was tired of holding it all in.

After she read it she said I was just trying to excuse my lies. I really wasn't, I wanted her to know why I did what I did. Not to get out of the consequences. I did lie for a long time, I felt I had no other choice.

She said she hates me and the only reason we are still together is our 2 kids. My home belongs to me alone and because she won't marry me she knows I can take it away if she leaves, no matter what happens with child custody. That's not to say I would kick my kids out of their first solid home after they lost everything at a young age to a natural disaster.  It's just the fact that I could. And I'm afraid this house is literally the only thing holding us together.

I love her more than life and I would do anything for this woman despite what she's done to me. But she won't admit she did anything wrong. Because quote "after all the lying and what you did behind my back I can never trust you". She even told me she's flirting with other men online.

I need advice on what I can do to work towards peace in our house and eventually get back to love.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 11:58:25 AM by Anonybrad »

October 10, 2020, 12:36:03 PM
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wife_or_not


Really sad story. While I was reading your post I was thinking writing to you to leave her and enjoy your life, but when I saw that you have 2 kids it became hard to think. I assume the kids are yours and not from her previous marriage/relationship.

Don't take it personal but it seems to me that she is kind of a person who does not respect you since she has control over your finances. You are working 2 jobs and she should not know how much you earn and where you spend your money.

You have your own house, so you are doing to your family much more than most of men around are doing. Most importantly, I think you should not explain yourself for your actions. As long as you provide house for your family and are putting food on the table she has no right to control your finances and tell you how to spend it.

Maybe you better tell her that you are the man of the house and if she has a problem with that, then she can leave.

I don't know what are the laws in your country about child custody, but if there is a way for you to keep them, then maybe you do not need her.

Since you are having hard time and are working 2 jobs you need a women next to you who will support you through this hard time and not make you feel bad.

If you need some help shoot me a message either here or direct message and I will gladly help you.
Helping single men make the right choice

October 10, 2020, 02:32:23 PM
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Tony


What you are describing is verbal Or emotional abuse and is not on regardless of who or what happens.

Firstly I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. I don’t believe that anyone deserves to be screamed at.

 I had a similar experience with my ex wife. What you sound like you are doing is chasing her needs. She asks a question and you respond. Your relationship sounds like it has developed into something unhealthy For you, but she gets all her needs satisfied. This is bad.

What you need to try is to elevate your standing in her mind in these situations. Firstly When she is accusing you, you don’t need to engage, you don’t need to explain, you don’t need to respond. You are just chasing her needs. Just because is a sufficient answer, or I felt like it etc. and then turn the table on the question, so why does it matter. If she escalates or yells then simply say, what you are doing is disrespectful and until you learn to deal with your emotions like an adult I won’t talk to you. You need to own this however and not talk to her until she apologises no matter how hard this may be. Eventually she will learn that she can’t scream at you and expect everything to be ok, and that you do mean business. It will be uncomfortable but you deserve to be respected.

If you wanted to take it to the extreme, I’m not sure of the laws in your country, but you can Start recording these things, either in a diary or what ever works for you. Dates, times specifics.

You can chat to the police and see if there is a way to take out a restraining order or at a minimum have then chat to her. This is if you wanted to Pursue custody in the longer term, or just temporarily asking her to stay at her parents place. 

 

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