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Author Topic: My inability to comfort my GF is costing me the love of my life

July 17, 2019, 06:35:36 PM
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limaoscarvictorecho


Before I begin talking about my problem I want to start off by saying this is all my fault. I am the one messing up constantly, I am the one doing the hurting, and I am the one who needs to do better. I'm reaching out to anyone who might be able to help me fix the mistakes I've made.

The problem my GF and I are going through are ones we've had for a few months now. My GF has gone through a lot of terrible things in her life and has a lot of emotional trauma. This makes her more susceptible to bouts of depression. During January/February of this year, she told me that she was starting to fall back into that depression. I told her that'd we'd get through it together and that I would always be there for her. This was the start of all the terrible things that are still affecting her to this moment.

Every time shes been feeling upset and I've attempted to comfort her I've failed and only made things worse and nothing I've done has seemed to make things better. After months of this, she has almost no hope of me making things better as my promises all seem fake now. I don't know what I am doing wrong and where I could go better. I've watched videos after videos and made notes after notes. We're talking about certain things I could do and still not enough. This pattern has continued for so long that even with weeks of nothing bad happening we always seem to fall back into it.

The solution that I have been working on is that I know if we can go for a long long time of having very small issues or none whatsoever I know we'll be alright. Once I get in the groove I think I can do this. Some other solutions I've made has been making notes on all the different kind of sadness or anger she goes through and has plans for every single one of them and even just key terms to avoid. I have been getting better, I'll have nights where she's been upset and I've made her happy by the end of it so I know that this isn't a hopeless task for me. The problem with that is that one moment of weakness is enough to make all of that seem useless.

I'm asking anyone for any kind of advice on what do here. I need to know how I can show my GF that I am emotionally available for her and that I haven't stopped trying to work on this and I need to know how I can possibly stop this from continuing by ways of providing constant support. I know that I can help and that's all I want to do.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and please ask any questions if you have any.

 

July 18, 2019, 11:18:51 AM
Reply #1
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Nimrud


I think you gotta push yourself to learn more. From the extent of the problem Im guessing she'll need professional help and your love too. If shes too insecure to ask help from a professional then you need to become one. So I'd go for develpoing skills and gathering knowledge in all relevant areas of life.

Hard stuff, but who wants to win big has to work big. I guess...

July 27, 2019, 08:57:50 PM
Reply #2
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Geek123uk


I’m going thru something similar and will be asking for some advice too, but reading from your post their is no right answer, most importantly seek help ur self, go to support group meeting, and if she will come with u, great if not go your self, ask questions one if he things that is hard to understand that it is not your fault even tho everytime u think it is.
take things slowly one day at a time.

August 09, 2019, 06:19:52 AM
Reply #3
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JTSW


Ok, firstly, the advice given to you about learning more is not good advice. This just adds the already mounting pressure on you. This is not for you to make better for her. You are not a professional certified therapist so you cant help her. She needs professional help from a Counselor because the more she relies on you to try and fix things, the more pressure it's going to put on your relationship. Yes, you can support her but you cant fix her.

August 13, 2019, 07:21:16 PM
Reply #4
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beaniebabe123


I think the biggest thing you need to take into account here is that everyone's experience with depression is different. What you watch and see online is probably nothing like what your girlfriend is going through. If you haven't tried this already.. simply ask her what you can do to help. Even if it's just closing the curtains or running errands for her so she can stay home all day. Once you learn what she needs physically during her hardships you could gain an understanding of what might be going on mentally. It's hard to find words of comfort in situations like depression, but actions can speak very loudly.

August 14, 2019, 04:16:42 AM
Reply #5
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JTSW


He's not a certified therapist. I strongly suggest that she seeks one because, the more he is encouraged to do and learn more, the more pressure its going to put on their relationship which he will end up resenting her for. She needs to get that help and he needs to be there to hold her hand and stand by her.

September 12, 2019, 06:26:29 PM
Reply #6
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jlowe



September 12, 2019, 10:35:26 PM
Reply #7
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Sashyji


Hey, I hope your doing great tonight. I have been with my lovely lady for 6 years now and she suffers from past traumas, some of which were caused by me, as well as bouts of depression. Our relationship improved immensely when we began trying to stop using each other as the primary source of happiness in our lives. Happiness is such a fleeting state and it's always going to come and go no matter how great your life is. I tried altering my perspective and began seeking meaning instead of happiness. Happiness is not the goal but a byproduct of the goals I pursue. When my beautiful wife is feeling down I try to be my absolute best self and provide her with inspiration and remind her exactly how beautiful life really is. It is not necessarily your place to get her out of her depression. Make sure she knows your there for her of course, but there are some things a person has to handle themselves. I personally find a solid knowledge base in relationship psychology to be extremely helpful, but I know my girls boundaries, she doesn't want me to be her therapist at all. She usually just wants me to listen and understand and stay happy and positive myself to provide her with a stepping stone. She went to get professional help when she needed it most, and that helped her a lot. Also, careful trying to avoid conflict, it's not a good solution. There is a lot that needs to be worked out between two people when they want to join lives. There will be tons of conflict. Challenge, struggle, pain, suffering, these are the things that lead to the deepest growth and wisdom you cab get. A philosopher went as far as to refer to anxiety as the " school of anxiety" because there is no better teacher on this Earth.

 

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