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Author Topic: My gf criticises me constantly. She cut herself when I mentioned breakup.

November 18, 2018, 11:19:13 PM
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dragon_warrior


We have been going out for just short of a year. I'm pursuing my PhD, and she's doing her undergraduate. She's 20 and I'm 27 years old. It was great for the first 6-7 months. I was absolutely crazy about her. We couldn't take our eyes and hands off of each other. We even went travelling to another continent for a whole month just 6 months into our relationship. I thought I had found love and a very strong woman to be with. We've even met each other's families and they like us. But slowly I realised that I was slacking off in my work as I was constantly with her. Upon mentioning that I needed time for myself, I was accused of being selfish and not valuing the relationship. I am letting my PhD get away and will come out with a mediocre PhD because of this, if I get my PhD at all. I keep telling her that I want to work on my studies and myself for the benefit of the both of us and our future, and need time away from her to myself. But I am accused of being selfish and not caring enough every time and of not factoring her into my schedule and not making time for her. Over the course of the relationship, I have been called everything from "sociopath" to "pathetic" to "weak and cowardly" to "rape apologist" to being plain "stupid" multiple times, increasingly of late. She usually shouts when we're arguing and I'm not used to being shouted at, so I freeze up and cannot come up with a reply and my mind goes blank. Somehow in the course of the argument, she always comes up right and being tongue-tied because of the shouting, I cannot think clearly and have to apologise. Most of the times apologise multiple times till my apology feels genuine to her. I have begged her to stop shouting and quarrelling so much in the past, which has led to less fights now, but more bickering and harsher accusations. I really don't want to be with her anymore. Last week, I told her that I wanted to break up after a massive fight, and walked away. 5 minutes later, I got photos on Facebook from her with her bleeding from having cut herself. I had to rush back and apologise and we're back together again. On the other side, on the surface, she is a social butterfly. She has befriended all my friends and I've got to know (from her, on one of our fights) that she's planning a surprise for me on my birthday (which is a few months from now). Breaking up with her now would be the worst move as I'll end up losing all my friends as well. I'm still at university and have another year to go. I cannot handle the situation and am sincerely reaching out to anyone who can provide me with some advice. I feel cornered, stuck and am profusely regretting even getting into a relationship with her. I cannot get out of it now and am struggling with everything from my studies to just maintaining my sanity. I don't want to show her how unhappy I am, and risk getting into another argument. I'm maintaining a face of sanity and that of being a good boyfriend on the outside till fate decides what happens to us. For the time being, I am utterly defeated, pushed down and feel constantly down and scared all the time. Please help. Somebody. I am desperate here.

November 19, 2018, 09:11:26 AM
Reply #1

hasan459


you should breakup with her because she also wants to breakup with you. probably she got a new man. just let her go if she loves you she will be back to you.

November 21, 2018, 12:53:01 AM
Reply #2

sandythecat


We have been going out for just short of a year. I'm pursuing my PhD, and she's doing her undergraduate. She's 20 and I'm 27 years old. It was great for the first 6-7 months. I was absolutely crazy about her. We couldn't take our eyes and hands off of each other. We even went travelling to another continent for a whole month just 6 months into our relationship. I thought I had found love and a very strong woman to be with. We've even met each other's families and they like us. But slowly I realised that I was slacking off in my work as I was constantly with her. Upon mentioning that I needed time for myself, I was accused of being selfish and not valuing the relationship. I am letting my PhD get away and will come out with a mediocre PhD because of this, if I get my PhD at all. I keep telling her that I want to work on my studies and myself for the benefit of the both of us and our future, and need time away from her to myself. But I am accused of being selfish and not caring enough every time and of not factoring her into my schedule and not making time for her. Over the course of the relationship, I have been called everything from "sociopath" to "pathetic" to "weak and cowardly" to "rape apologist" to being plain "stupid" multiple times, increasingly of late. She usually shouts when we're arguing and I'm not used to being shouted at, so I freeze up and cannot come up with a reply and my mind goes blank. Somehow in the course of the argument, she always comes up right and being tongue-tied because of the shouting, I cannot think clearly and have to apologise. Most of the times apologise multiple times till my apology feels genuine to her. I have begged her to stop shouting and quarrelling so much in the past, which has led to less fights now, but more bickering and harsher accusations. I really don't want to be with her anymore. Last week, I told her that I wanted to break up after a massive fight, and walked away. 5 minutes later, I got photos on Facebook from her with her bleeding from having cut herself. I had to rush back and apologise and we're back together again. On the other side, on the surface, she is a social butterfly. She has befriended all my friends and I've got to know (from her, on one of our fights) that she's planning a surprise for me on my birthday (which is a few months from now). Breaking up with her now would be the worst move as I'll end up losing all my friends as well. I'm still at university and have another year to go. I cannot handle the situation and am sincerely reaching out to anyone who can provide me with some advice. I feel cornered, stuck and am profusely regretting even getting into a relationship with her. I cannot get out of it now and am struggling with everything from my studies to just maintaining my sanity. I don't want to show her how unhappy I am, and risk getting into another argument. I'm maintaining a face of sanity and that of being a good boyfriend on the outside till fate decides what happens to us. For the time being, I am utterly defeated, pushed down and feel constantly down and scared all the time. Please help. Somebody. I am desperate here.

Hello @dragon_warrior

First of all I'm really sorry you have to go through this. She has no right to mess with your education and future plans. If she really loves you she will support what's best for you and will not make your friends leave you. It's her who's selfish by doing all that to you and in my opinion you should walk away if you're not happy and scared. Nobody has the right to make other people feel the way you're feeling.

If your friends leave you because of you breaking up with her then I suggest you look for other friends. You'll find them. You should never feel like you have to choose between a girlfriend and a PhD degree! If she feels like you don't have enough time, she should communicate it to you in a right way and compromise. Also, cutting her wrist and posting the photos on facebook is so immature! She's probably only trying to scare you, or needs serious helps. Her being suicidal is NOT your responsibility even though it's kind if you try and help her. But helping does not necessarily mean staying in a relationship you don't want.

Hope this helps :)

November 21, 2018, 09:37:52 AM
Reply #3

missg


We have been going out for just short of a year. I'm pursuing my PhD, and she's doing her undergraduate. She's 20 and I'm 27 years old. It was great for the first 6-7 months. I was absolutely crazy about her. We couldn't take our eyes and hands off of each other. We even went travelling to another continent for a whole month just 6 months into our relationship. I thought I had found love and a very strong woman to be with. We've even met each other's families and they like us. But slowly I realised that I was slacking off in my work as I was constantly with her. Upon mentioning that I needed time for myself, I was accused of being selfish and not valuing the relationship. I am letting my PhD get away and will come out with a mediocre PhD because of this, if I get my PhD at all. I keep telling her that I want to work on my studies and myself for the benefit of the both of us and our future, and need time away from her to myself. But I am accused of being selfish and not caring enough every time and of not factoring her into my schedule and not making time for her. Over the course of the relationship, I have been called everything from "sociopath" to "pathetic" to "weak and cowardly" to "rape apologist" to being plain "stupid" multiple times, increasingly of late. She usually shouts when we're arguing and I'm not used to being shouted at, so I freeze up and cannot come up with a reply and my mind goes blank. Somehow in the course of the argument, she always comes up right and being tongue-tied because of the shouting, I cannot think clearly and have to apologise. Most of the times apologise multiple times till my apology feels genuine to her. I have begged her to stop shouting and quarrelling so much in the past, which has led to less fights now, but more bickering and harsher accusations. I really don't want to be with her anymore. Last week, I told her that I wanted to break up after a massive fight, and walked away. 5 minutes later, I got photos on Facebook from her with her bleeding from having cut herself. I had to rush back and apologise and we're back together again. On the other side, on the surface, she is a social butterfly. She has befriended all my friends and I've got to know (from her, on one of our fights) that she's planning a surprise for me on my birthday (which is a few months from now). Breaking up with her now would be the worst move as I'll end up losing all my friends as well. I'm still at university and have another year to go. I cannot handle the situation and am sincerely reaching out to anyone who can provide me with some advice. I feel cornered, stuck and am profusely regretting even getting into a relationship with her. I cannot get out of it now and am struggling with everything from my studies to just maintaining my sanity. I don't want to show her how unhappy I am, and risk getting into another argument. I'm maintaining a face of sanity and that of being a good boyfriend on the outside till fate decides what happens to us. For the time being, I am utterly defeated, pushed down and feel constantly down and scared all the time. Please help. Somebody. I am desperate here.

that doesn't sound good @sandythecat, im sorry that you have to go thru this.

you shouldn't ever put someone else before your PHD unless you have been with them for a very long time, and if you have been with them for a long time they'll realise that you have other important things to focus on too as they will help your future (and help your partner). She doesn't seem to understand that as she's still very immature and doesn't take into the consideration the future. She's 20 and you're 27. You probably have your mind set on buying a house soon, getting married, etc etc. She is probably just looking forward to the next night out with her girls and isn't seriously committed to finding a true long-term partner?

It sounds like you both aren't compatible and you need to take that leap of faith and get out now, before the issue gets worse and more importantly, you fail university.

If you did fail, you will reflect back one day and realise you failed because of a 20-year-old girl and you will facepalm. Then you will continue to pay off the uni debts for the rest of your life because of a childish girl - do you want that? Think long-term, she clearly isn't the one and quite clearly isn't worth failing university over - but is she worth failing university over and the potential salary increase(s) associated with your PHD in the future? Think about your future wife/partner. You need to pursue your own dreams and ambitions.

you don't want to be held down by someone that's mentally unstable, she'll also reflect back to this relationship and ask her self why she did it, too.

get outa there!

November 21, 2018, 12:43:42 PM
Reply #4

sandythecat


We have been going out for just short of a year. I'm pursuing my PhD, and she's doing her undergraduate. She's 20 and I'm 27 years old. It was great for the first 6-7 months. I was absolutely crazy about her. We couldn't take our eyes and hands off of each other. We even went travelling to another continent for a whole month just 6 months into our relationship. I thought I had found love and a very strong woman to be with. We've even met each other's families and they like us. But slowly I realised that I was slacking off in my work as I was constantly with her. Upon mentioning that I needed time for myself, I was accused of being selfish and not valuing the relationship. I am letting my PhD get away and will come out with a mediocre PhD because of this, if I get my PhD at all. I keep telling her that I want to work on my studies and myself for the benefit of the both of us and our future, and need time away from her to myself. But I am accused of being selfish and not caring enough every time and of not factoring her into my schedule and not making time for her. Over the course of the relationship, I have been called everything from "sociopath" to "pathetic" to "weak and cowardly" to "rape apologist" to being plain "stupid" multiple times, increasingly of late. She usually shouts when we're arguing and I'm not used to being shouted at, so I freeze up and cannot come up with a reply and my mind goes blank. Somehow in the course of the argument, she always comes up right and being tongue-tied because of the shouting, I cannot think clearly and have to apologise. Most of the times apologise multiple times till my apology feels genuine to her. I have begged her to stop shouting and quarrelling so much in the past, which has led to less fights now, but more bickering and harsher accusations. I really don't want to be with her anymore. Last week, I told her that I wanted to break up after a massive fight, and walked away. 5 minutes later, I got photos on Facebook from her with her bleeding from having cut herself. I had to rush back and apologise and we're back together again. On the other side, on the surface, she is a social butterfly. She has befriended all my friends and I've got to know (from her, on one of our fights) that she's planning a surprise for me on my birthday (which is a few months from now). Breaking up with her now would be the worst move as I'll end up losing all my friends as well. I'm still at university and have another year to go. I cannot handle the situation and am sincerely reaching out to anyone who can provide me with some advice. I feel cornered, stuck and am profusely regretting even getting into a relationship with her. I cannot get out of it now and am struggling with everything from my studies to just maintaining my sanity. I don't want to show her how unhappy I am, and risk getting into another argument. I'm maintaining a face of sanity and that of being a good boyfriend on the outside till fate decides what happens to us. For the time being, I am utterly defeated, pushed down and feel constantly down and scared all the time. Please help. Somebody. I am desperate here.

that doesn't sound good @sandythecat, im sorry that you have to go thru this.

you shouldn't ever put someone else before your PHD unless you have been with them for a very long time, and if you have been with them for a long time they'll realise that you have other important things to focus on too as they will help your future (and help your partner). She doesn't seem to understand that as she's still very immature and doesn't take into the consideration the future. She's 20 and you're 27. You probably have your mind set on buying a house soon, getting married, etc etc. She is probably just looking forward to the next night out with her girls and isn't seriously committed to finding a true long-term partner?

It sounds like you both aren't compatible and you need to take that leap of faith and get out now, before the issue gets worse and more importantly, you fail university.

If you did fail, you will reflect back one day and realise you failed because of a 20-year-old girl and you will facepalm. Then you will continue to pay off the uni debts for the rest of your life because of a childish girl - do you want that? Think long-term, she clearly isn't the one and quite clearly isn't worth failing university over - but is she worth failing university over and the potential salary increase(s) associated with your PHD in the future? Think about your future wife/partner. You need to pursue your own dreams and ambitions.

you don't want to be held down by someone that's mentally unstable, she'll also reflect back to this relationship and ask her self why she did it, too.

get outa there!

Hello @missg it’s not my post. It’s @dragon_warrior who posted it  :D

November 21, 2018, 06:16:15 PM
Reply #5

dansmith018f


We have been going out for just short of a year. I'm pursuing my PhD, and she's doing her undergraduate. She's 20 and I'm 27 years old. It was great for the first 6-7 months. I was absolutely crazy about her. We couldn't take our eyes and hands off of each other. We even went travelling to another continent for a whole month just 6 months into our relationship. I thought I had found love and a very strong woman to be with. We've even met each other's families and they like us. But slowly I realised that I was slacking off in my work as I was constantly with her. Upon mentioning that I needed time for myself, I was accused of being selfish and not valuing the relationship. I am letting my PhD get away and will come out with a mediocre PhD because of this, if I get my PhD at all. I keep telling her that I want to work on my studies and myself for the benefit of the both of us and our future, and need time away from her to myself. But I am accused of being selfish and not caring enough every time and of not factoring her into my schedule and not making time for her. Over the course of the relationship, I have been called everything from "sociopath" to "pathetic" to "weak and cowardly" to "rape apologist" to being plain "stupid" multiple times, increasingly of late. She usually shouts when we're arguing and I'm not used to being shouted at, so I freeze up and cannot come up with a reply and my mind goes blank. Somehow in the course of the argument, she always comes up right and being tongue-tied because of the shouting, I cannot think clearly and have to apologise. Most of the times apologise multiple times till my apology feels genuine to her. I have begged her to stop shouting and quarrelling so much in the past, which has led to less fights now, but more bickering and harsher accusations. I really don't want to be with her anymore. Last week, I told her that I wanted to break up after a massive fight, and walked away. 5 minutes later, I got photos on Facebook from her with her bleeding from having cut herself. I had to rush back and apologise and we're back together again. On the other side, on the surface, she is a social butterfly. She has befriended all my friends and I've got to know (from her, on one of our fights) that she's planning a surprise for me on my birthday (which is a few months from now). Breaking up with her now would be the worst move as I'll end up losing all my friends as well. I'm still at university and have another year to go. I cannot handle the situation and am sincerely reaching out to anyone who can provide me with some advice. I feel cornered, stuck and am profusely regretting even getting into a relationship with her. I cannot get out of it now and am struggling with everything from my studies to just maintaining my sanity. I don't want to show her how unhappy I am, and risk getting into another argument. I'm maintaining a face of sanity and that of being a good boyfriend on the outside till fate decides what happens to us. For the time being, I am utterly defeated, pushed down and feel constantly down and scared all the time. Please help. Somebody. I am desperate here.

hey @dragon_warrior, it's not good that your girlfriend criticises you constantly, it's not normal and she sounds like she is very selfish.

I think @missg is right, she isn't worth it! you deserve better.

 

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