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Author Topic: Loving someone you may not like

June 27, 2019, 11:43:59 AM
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jangle



I am struggling with a relationship and would like thoughts/advice on what I should do next.

I have been in a relationship with a woman for over two years.  Late last year we bought a house and are living together.  Both of us are divorced.  Both of us had affairs during our previous marriages (but not with each other). 

We share a physical attraction.  We hold one another at night and have a deep emotional connection.  She can be the so sweet to me.  We both crave and share physical affection - holding hands, hugging, etc. in private and public.  We do everything together: cooking, yard work, exercise, house projects, grocery/dinner planning, traveling, etc.  We complement each other very well when doing things together - helping one another, hearing ideas and considerate of others wants and needs.  We both need and love each other deeply.  However, while I love her, it may be possible that I don’t like her.  Read on.

While the items below sound superficial, the reality is these things consume me, make me uncomfortable and result in arguments/fights - setting us back.  They make me question whether I should continue this relationship.

She exudes charm, sex appeal and confidence through mannerisms, body langugage, communication style, clothing selection and more.  This is the complete opposite of the type of woman I would normally be attracted to.  In fact, women with these characteristics have always turned me off.  I may be in love with someone I actually don’t like.

Here are some examples:

Her overall body language around other men.  She faces them directly, leans in close and is very engaging.  This combined with strong eye contact and movement of her hair gives off a flirtatious vibe.  Although she is not intentionally flirting, it can be read otherwise.  When I see her in these situations, I get so uncomfortable my body has a physiological reaction.

She is in her late 40’s and has long blonde hair that almost reaches her bottom.  She is constantly flipping her hair around with her hands and by moving her neck.  For pictures, even a simple passport photo, she pulls all her hair to one side layering it on her chest.  Along with her hair flipping, she swings her arms when she walks as if she was a model walking down a runway. 

Her style of clothing and footwear have an edgy flare.  That is shoes and boots that are sexy (she calls them “fun”) but in a way that draws attention.  Medium to high heels.  Boots with lace trim.  Clothing for work - pants that are skin tight, blouses that are sheer and almost see through, dresses that expose her breasts when she is bending over.  In the morning, when I see her for the first time dressed for work, at times I become very uncomfortable.

While she exudes sex appeal, ironically, she has very little experience sexually.  All she knows how to do is have straight intercourse.  There is a sense of confusion on her part if I try to do anything else.  We’ve discussed this and she is willing to try, but it doesn’t work.  I have experience doing everything and crave so much more. 

She is easily annoyed by loud sounds, people she becomes impatient with and other situations/things.  When annoyed she is pretentiously vocal.  For example, one day we were in a waiting room at a doctors office.  A television was on.  She walked up to the receptionist and said “Can you please turn off that hideous television right away?”.  These types of comments to me, or to herself are common.  Words like hideous, annoying and stupid are used daily. 

She is a people pleaser and loves attention from others.  Her career requires a significant amount of networking and relationship building.  She excels in this area.  She is inconsistent with the love and affection she shows for me.  That is some days I'll hear from her many times, especially when she is feeling down or needs something.  Other days, I don't hear anything.

We can go days (usually on the weekends) without anything bothering me.  Then we have an event.  For example, a guy came by our house recently to give us an estimate on some work we need done.  She comes in from work with her high block-type shoes on, skin type pants, flipping hair, etc.  Then she bends over, pointing something out to him, exposing her cleavage.  I became so uncomfortable I had to excuse myself from the room. 

With all this said, it may be possible that she is not doing any of this intentionally.  She may just lack self-awareness.

She is who she is.  I respect that.  But these things make me so uncomfortable at times I don't know what to do. 

I am open to all and any feedback.

Thanks

July 04, 2019, 12:54:41 PM
Reply #1
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shineofdarkblue


Hello, the first thing to do is to question yourself why are you having these thoughts deep down in your heart, what will they bring you and your partner, what's the main goal of your relationship. Try to understand yourself, your needs, your human being, your character and what kind of a person are you. Maybe you are just overthinking and not giving yourself time and space to learn more about how your mind and being are working. If you truly know that you love her and accept all of her and that's the person with who you want to spend your future together, then those thoughts doesn't need to bring you down and especially your stable relationship. If your main goal is to maintain a positive and healthy relationship, and if you want that person to stay in your life forever then you need to have a talk with yourself, completely and open-mindedly and also have that kind of conversation with your partner. There's no need for arguments, fights or any kind of a toxic behavior included. Every problem that we face, there is a solution. And that solution is hidden in huge, open and normal conversation. I had that kind of a toxic relationship that wasn't going nowhere. He was really jealous and overprotective. He accused me for flirting, cheating and that I was treating him with no respect. He would abuse me verbally, and telling me awful things about my family and how I was the one who was a bad person for everyone. After a long time I realised that he wasn't a person who wanted to talk about his problems, his thoughts, and his mind.  He never confronted me and never had a normal open conversation with me, which could maybe solve our problem, and maybe it wouldn't have turned in a toxic behavior. Maybe we would realise that we are not for each other and everyone could walk away peacefully. So the key is the normal conversation. I want also to say that sometimes people need to control themselves, control their emotions and needs in order to maintain a healthy behavior because from the point of view where he was thinking I was flirting , I was just being polite, positive and kind. If you hugged someone, helped someone, gave a smile to someone, it doesn't mean you are flirting. We are all human beings. We all love to feel attractive, positive, and we want people to notice us in any way, and that's nothing wrong with that, because at the end of the day we know who we belong to, who we truly love and that we would do everything for that person, and that's what only matters.  And if you decide that you want to stay with her, and that she is the being of your universe, then you need to accept the situation and be stronger than your thoughts, and be able to control it and hopefully overcome that.

August 23, 2019, 09:40:01 AM
Reply #2
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Hasoglu


May be you can look deep sides of your mind why these thoughts are coming. There will be reasons of these.
*Link Removed*

August 23, 2019, 04:12:22 PM
Reply #3
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velosprint


This post interested me because I'm in a very similar situation myself. Similar age group and with a woman that I love, but often feel very uncomfortable about her behaviour around other men. In fact, I could have almost written this post myself, it's so close to my situation!  In my case, I'm sure she isn't deliberately trying to be flirtatious, it's just in her nature to be friendly to everyone she meets - regardless which sex they - but unfortunately this friendly approach is often misinterpreted by predatory males whenever we go out together. I'm a part time musician (she and I are both keen music lovers, which is how we met) so often take her along to gigs with me. I've lost count of the times she ends up dancing with strangers - not that I mind that particularly - but worst of all, she always brags about how this or that guy tried to get her phone number. She assures me she would never cheat - and I honestly believe her btw - but also says it does her ego good to feel attractive to other men.  All of which makes me VERY uncomfortable.

 

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