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Author Topic: I married an illegal immigrant. Years later, its crumbling.

June 20, 2019, 06:21:47 PM
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DinPHX


Hi everybody,  :)
Im going to try and be to the point to get some advice, and to get some real answers! This is my first time reaching out publicly for help, so ill do my best.
Backstory:

Challenge 1. Legal Issues:
I fell in love with a woman who is illegal. And while helping her legal process was always a concern, I learned that there wasnt much I could do due to the fact that she faces a permanant ban from the country because she got caught crossing at one point and crossed again.
Well, midway through our marriage, she had a meeting with a counselor that helped her understand this fact. I had to work that day and couldnt make it. I asked her to reschedule which we did, and I went to the second meeting with the Mexican counselor. My wife was so mean to me, and she said "why cant you help make me legal" lashing out at me. I know she loves me, but she really lashed out at me for "missing" the first meeting. When I reminded her that there was nothing I could do, she just continued to blame me. I felt very used at this point, and befuddled. How is this my fault LOL??? So anyhow, the year later she did qualify for the U-visa which is helped pay for a lawyer, went to the meetings, and was very hands on with the letters and info she needed from people. Vacation photos, proof of a life here, ect. ect. So at least, she has a path and i did everything I could do.
 (for those who doesnt know what a U-visa is, its for victims of violence. her x husband was a human traffic ring leader and since deported.)

2. PTSD
  So, during the legal u visa process, she was medically diagnosed, which cost $1200, of having severe PTSD. Shes very scared and jumpy when someone wakes her up for any reason. She always makes me feel like i'm on the outside looking in. She cant fully trust me. Its terrible to deal with. She also refuses treatment or medication. Even though she works hard and is a good mom, she has a rough history involving gang activity in compton LA and being dragged her through a human smuggling ring with a terrible man (whom she chose.)


3. Adult child

She has an adult child who is 23 and barely just moved out. He was kicked out of school very young. I employed him to work for my company, and he did well. I got him back into school vouching for him when no schools would take him because of his track record. With diligence and discipline, he got his diploma and Im very proud. But she babied him the whole way. when he was 15 he was still sharing a bed with her. His dad isnt around, and I did my best. With that said, she says how horrible and bad i was to her big baby boy. He would have his girlfriend living with us, and my wife would clean and cook for them. They wouldnt do shit, and I would get very upset. And obviously, I was the bad guy for this.
He moved out, and I got over it.

4. Brow Beating, Mother goose
I have a second home and I would leave, and come back when I thought things were good. The reason for this is that my wife brow beats me and trys to be my mom. It drives me nuts, and i ask her to stop alot.  the latest straw that broke the back was this:
She burned beans. i was at the store and i got the same beans we always get. i got home. She said "you got dry beans? (we never eat canned)" then she paused..... and said "well, its ok its my fault." And in my mind such a little issue shouldnt pass blame. what if i was to blame? so i just softly said in a gentle way "a thanks is good enough"  And folks, this was me trying to let her know not to blame herself or anyone over little issues. Just be grateful, and come give me a hug. Well, she didnt see it that way.
She started yelling at me rudely telling me to stop being sarcastic. I let her know, "Im not sarcastic. Im just trying tio get attention and say its no big deal." "you lie. I know what you did." ect ect.

So I left for maybe the last time.

5. House purchase.
she had purchased a home for 30k that was gutted. Im a contractor, so i fully remodeled it for us to live in. Its both our home and worth $120k now. well, when she gets made, she says "Its my house i paid for it." and just goes generally insane.

6. DUI
in 2015, she got a DUI. She was in jail during chistmas. our son was 1 years old at the time, and it was a terrible time. This triggered a removal proceeding for deportation which she has court dates for later this year. She can appeal but likely will get deported. We had a plan in place to go to rocky point if this happened and buy a house. I would travel since im close to there.
well, a few times since, she has driven drunk again. and she lashes out at me and blames me. its nuts.

those are some major key things I wanted to share.
outside of those things that i shared, Her communication is just terrible. She doesnt seem to respect a father figure. And honestly I dont know why i stayed this long. I will say that she is a decent mom, she works hard, she is fun and takes care of her self. She is very charming. But she blames me for being unstable because I want to discipline her kids, and I dont put up with her crap. She goes from zero to ten in a heartbeat.

And when she does that, she thinks the worst of me, not the best. Ive provided stable footing for her kids. I have a business and live above board totally legit. She doesnt have a legal way to even make a living or drive. And she thinks that all of our explosions and arguments are totally my fault. She takes no responsibility and has lived her whole life this way.

I have divorce papers ready to go, but I still do love her.
Should I hang onto to any hope?
Shes a good person in many ways, shes just very screwed up with a lifestyle of an illegal immigrant that is just hopeless.
I met her when maybe I wasnt in the best place, you know the story!!!

is it time to move on?????

June 20, 2019, 06:24:12 PM
Reply #1
Offline

DinPHX


Just something to add.
She doesnt want to parent with me. She doesnt seem to see the value in a father, and she ran away from home at 15. She is mean about me parenting her kids, which i did anyhow.
Im not saying Im innocent in our fights. I overreacted alot also, and her crazy made me crazy.

I also forgot to add she is extremely jealous. when we go out, If i even talk to a woman about anything, she would flip out.
And when I say "ive never cheated or anything close." she says "how do i know"
and just crazy stuff like that.


June 23, 2019, 03:01:01 AM
Reply #2
Offline

fanpain3


It absolutely is ! Sounds like she used you and abused your feelings for her. Forget her and move on feelings come and go, but age doesn't

 

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