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Author Topic: I am lost, not sure what to do

January 03, 2020, 11:44:30 AM
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Wtm78


The short version of the story:-

I married my wife in 2017. We dated for 2 years. We had our quarrels but we were always able to resolve them. Once after marriage, she became very different person. She became very sensitive, very emotional. So much that I can be saying the toast is burnt and all she can hear is that I am blaming her, she is fat and ugly and I don't love her. To make things worst, she got a new job portfolio that requires her to fly every alternate week. Can you imagine if we have problem I suggest to talk and tell her how I feel, she end up feeling blamed, cry then shutdown. It could take days or weeks for her to recover. By then if I readdress the issue, she would go into the same defensive mode and shutdown again. But then she fly's for work for a week. So our issues have never been addressed and they were snowballing. Between 2017-2018 there were many episodes of her self harm. Like stabbing her legs with scissors or smashing a porcelain mug into her face until it broke. The self harm stopped in 2018 but sensitivity didn't go away. During this time I went counseling and suggest that she should too. But she just sat there and cry and stopped attending sessions after a few visits. For me I continued for 1 year until counselor say she can't help me as wife is not willing to attend. I almost walked out of the relationship, she everytime she came with a broken heart and ask us to try again. So I did. From 2018-2019 we tried to repair our relationship without counseling. I cope with the issues by pretending that there are no issues, I thought I could do what she is doing. But I couldn't. And I was going through a transition at work. I quit my job and was trying to build a business. I can't remember what happened. But the issues with the marriage must have snow balled so big, I wanted her to leave. We were physically separated for 6months now. Within this period we had many quarrels and I will tell her I want a divorce. I wasn't threatening, I was seeing no way out. At the same time, I was angry and resentful. So I'm not sure why I say what I said. I guess I never really wanted a divorce. Was probably hoping she would treat me seriously. She is like a passive little children. If she did something I affects me she would just sits there and cry, and not able to offer and solutions or help. But now, she seems indifferent about the divorce. I think she doesn't want it, she just want to respect my decision of leaving.

And now I don't really know what I want. Any suggestions?

January 07, 2020, 03:20:48 PM
Reply #1
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jamesriske


You were a fool to marry such a nut job.

You need to man up and cut your loses. Don't tell her anything but go to a good divorce lawyer and have him devise a game plan so you can divorce her and cut your losses. Go talk to a divorce lawyer NOW and tell him that you want to divorce her at the best possible outcome for yourself, ask him how to go about it and what to do.

After you divorce, forget about women for a few years and concentrate on building your business and yourself. Don't be so quick to marry another nut job.

February 12, 2020, 08:45:55 AM
Reply #2
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AndrewKnights


Are you sure these relationship are worth saving? I mean, you are not a therapist to work hwer issues out. Why are you so bothered with an abusive person? SHe doesn't seem a person who would like to make up. Anyway, you two would either end up crying and hating your life or you could move forward and do your best for your person. Stop whining and hire a lawyer as the previous person has said or  get your online divorce.There are plenty of options in fact
« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 08:52:31 AM by AndrewKnights »

February 12, 2020, 09:48:03 AM
Reply #3
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huntfishcamp


Every marriage is worth saving, especially since you can remember back to the way things used to be before marriage. So there is a glimmer of hope.

Unfortunately, your wife seems to have some very serious issues. And to make matters worse, you remind me of myself in the sense that you convince yourself everything is OK to cope. I'm going to go out on a limb here and also say that you generally try to avoid conflict.

I have found in my marriage that sometimes your wife may not understand the seriousness of a topic when the man brings it up. She may not take him seriously or, depending on how you presented the topic, she is going to get defensive real quick and she won't hear a single word after you've offended her. I say all of that to really say: 90% of the battle is precisely how you deliver the message. Think about carefully every word you say. Say it tactfully, thoughtfully, respectfully and sensitively...all of which can be really hard to do for a guy. If you can't get anywhere after this, you really ought to consider counseling.

February 13, 2020, 12:49:13 PM
Reply #4
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Feeroper


It sounds very difficult and that is no way to live your life. However, there was a reason you originally got married so you have to consider if that is worth saving at all - I would seriously consider counseling first if you think there is any hope in that.

February 16, 2020, 01:55:26 PM
Reply #5
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sycomantis81


I know how you feel and I'm kind of in a similar situation with an emotional girlfriend. I know you love her and you love the way that she used to be but for some reason she has either changed or she has always been that way and she was just doing a good job at hiding it from you at first. Either way that is no way to live. She clearly has some issues and its not your responsibility to fix her that is something she has to do on her own and if she is not willing to seek help and grow as an individual than you need to cut ties.

 

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