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Author Topic: I (25m) just got broken up with by my gf (23m) of 3 and a half years

June 07, 2019, 12:24:07 AM
Read 809 times


This is going to get a bit long winded as I feel a backstory is necessary, so please standby. TL;DR at the end for those who need it. I appreciate any and all help or comments on the situation, thank you in advance. I'm new here but any help is greatly appreciated.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a bit over 3 years. We lived in the same town throughout high school but didn't reconnect until after high school. I lived in our home town and she lived in a city about 3 hours away, where she went to high school. I was doing basically nothing, and was a few months out of a relationship that was absolutely toxic with an abusive girlfriend with BPD. She as well was fresh out of a relationship, about 3 months, with something similar but not quite as extreme.

So, she came home for Christmas break and we met upon chance via twitter. She slid in the DMs, to be exact. She wondered about what had happened in my previous relationship, we chatted a bit about our previous experience and ended up exchanging numbers. I was almost immediately infatuated by her. She was amazing to me. Mature, smart, funny, everything I had always lacked in previous relationships. We chatted for a while and things got more intimate. Right before Valentine's Day 2016 she told me she would be coming home for a weekend and wanted to meet. I took the plunge and we ended up hanging out all night with some friends of hers and I stayed the night with her. Shortly after, we became exclusive and then officially together.

The next chapter, she leaves for school and we do long distance a bit. She comes home for summer and moves into my parents house with me, they love her immediately as do I, and I basically live in a loft above the garage there with a sort of private entrance. Things are great, but we know it can't be this way forever. We spend the summer up all night playing video games and hanging out, talking until the sun comes up. I realized I loved her many times that summer and eventually told her. We decide the best idea is for me and her to get an apartment in the city she goes to school in and stay there together. We do.

I find a job in the city selling cars, my first "real" job as I never went to school and only worked restaurants my whole life previously. She works a small part time thing at an upscale fast foodish place. We're happy and content together. Then, the usual happens. Work has me stressed to the max, I'm working upwards of 60 hours most weeks to pay bills. I have deep rooted issues with speaking on my problems, I hold them in and bottle them up. I start to take them out on her, but for the most part, we love each other and never even argue with each other. Things get better over time, more love is built upon and we end up moving into a house that we rent with a close friend of mine I've known for 10+ years.

We spend more time together, take trips together, she switches jobs. At this point, I work so much we hardly see each other but when we do we spend as much time as we can with each other. However, it isn't enough. I bought her a brand new apple watch and one day as she showers, I go through the messages on it. She was talking to another guy. Flirting, only, but still it hurt me deeply. I believe in my heart, this is when our disconnect begins. It crushes me on the inside. My work performance slips, and I confront her about it. She breaks down to me, that I have been pushing her away. I'm never home and she misses me. I love her, and we move past it and work together on our communication issues. It slowly but surely moves itself into the past.

More time passes, my friend decides he wants to move back to our hometown and we've adopted a dog. We love her as much as we love each other. We spend more time together as I've put work mostly on the back burner. Without my friend living with us, we decide we can't afford the rent on a house and downsize to a smaller apartment in a nicer area. I quit my sales job, as the stress was starting to eat at me and I was tired of taking it out at home. Car sales is terrible, and I couldn't do it any longer. We work together at a couple different restaurants one after the other. She is coming up on graduation at the end of 2018. Things are going well, but we are communicating less. Things slow down in the bedroom. We get into the rut that is long term relationships. We fight a bit more, but we still love each other and I make it a point to at least tell her when I can. With graduation coming closer, and us barely able to afford to live on our own, my parents offer us the opportunity to come back and live with them and settle things down. Save up some money and give her time to find a job after college.

The day comes when she graduates, I tell her constantly how proud I am of her. She comes from a rough home where things weren't always great, and I have always supported her in her endeavors, whatever they are. We move back home just 2 days after, right before Christmas 2018. At this point, things really start to go down hill. For the first couple months, I was unemployed. We lived solely off savings and her job, which she got at a restaurant serving tables. This made her angry, she wanted a job where she could use her degree but also wanted to return to law school at some point. She decides that she doesn't want to go to law school immediately, doesn't know she wants to do, spends more time watching Netflix and sleeping than anything. I knew, somewhere in me, she was depressed. I ignored it. I got a great job with a large company in Sales. The benefits and hours were great and earning potential far above anything I could dream of. She supported me 100%. For most of our relationship, she maintained our home as she wasn't working. When we moved into my parents, this stayed the same. Everyday I would come home and nothing would be done, which angered me. I took out a lot of frustration from my new job on her. It has taken me time to learn the ins and outs of this job, and it really took a toll on me. I kept pushing her to get a "real" job. I picked on her constantly, and belittled her. I took advantage of her kindness and mistook it for weakness.

Finally, Sunday 06/03/2019 it all came out. We got into a huge fight, when she asked me if I would move with her if she decided to go to law school. I told her no, I just started a career and how could she possibly expect me to move like that. She cried, a lot. She asked me how I could do this. She told me she was tired of me putting her down and making her feel bad. She told me she believes I resent her for making her move or quitting my old sales job. I let her down, and I told the woman I love I wouldn't follow her to pursue her dreams. However, she doesn't even have a solid plan to go or not to go. She doesn't know what she wants to do. OF course, in the end I would leave with her. I'd follow her anywhere knowing it would make her happy. Instead of saying this, I told her to leave if she felt that way. So, she did. She packed a few of her things, took the dog and went to her mom's house 3 hours away.

So, I slept on it. I woke up and realized my mistakes. First, I begged her to come back. She told me she needed to think. I waited a day and called her, and begged her some more. She told me she's moving out and we need to break up, she needs space. She has low self esteem, is depressed, etc. She can't keep getting put down and hurt by me, she doesn't like herself right now and wants to work on herself. She wants me to change the way I treat her and to be a better man. She keeps saying "maybe someday we can get back together" but, I'm not sure what to do. I'm a mess. I spent most of yesterday back and forth begging her to come home and work this out together but she refuses and says I need to respect her decision so finally I say okay. I fucked up, big time, basically. She's coming tomorrow while I work to get the rest of her things.

Here's what I've done: Packed a few of her things together, let her keep the dog and my old computer she's been using, she wants my old car I gave to her when I bought a new one which I agreed to. I wrote a 4 page letter to her and left it on the desktop of the computer I gave her. What more do I do? Everyone tells me to do... nothing. Don't text or call until she reaches out to me. I don't suspect that she will be with anyone else, anytime soon, but that would destroy me. I love this woman more than I love anything else on earth. What can I do here? Or do I do nothing at all? Did I do too much already?

TL;DR - met love of my life, pushed her away due to my own personal insecurities, now she's gone, I want her back but don't know what to do

Thanks for any and all responses, even if you just wanna call me an idiot.

June 13, 2019, 02:35:31 PM
Reply #1


It seems like external struggles, such as employment and location, are impacting your relationship together.

From what I read, you were unemployed for about two months and you both were living off her earnings. It sounds like she was unemployed for much longer than two months and, during that time, you both were living off your savings. I don't think it is insecure of you to tell her to get a "real job" after two months of her being unemployed. In my opinion, both people of the relationship should work to contribute to the household. So, it isn't insecurity that is the issue, it is that she is not living up to your standards and expectations.
I also don't think she is acting rationally about asking you to move with her if she goes to law school. You have both been struggling with employment and you just got a new job. On top of that, she will most likely take on student loan debt from law school if she doesn't have a lot of student aid.

In summary, it sounds like she isn't living up to your expectations and she isn't being rational about both of your external situations. However, you can lower your expectations and offer sympathy if you choose to, which sounds like you didn't do. In your current situation, it sounds like you did a decent job to repair it with the letter that you wrote and giving her the computer. I would take the advice of your people and let her think about it. If she doesn't text you within two weeks, then try to text her at that point. Simply ask if she would like to chat on the phone or in person and if she wants to do it in a private or public place, like a coffee shop or something. Keep the text light and quick. If she doesn't text you after another two weeks after you sent your follow-up text, then she is done with you. Apologies.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 02:39:15 PM by manwithaplan »


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