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Author Topic: How should I proceed with this girl?

September 29, 2020, 04:46:58 PM
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ssscsam1


Sorry for the long read!

I recently matched with a girl on Hinge (29F) who I've known for about 15 years through some family friends. Around 3-4 years ago, we were out at a bar with some mutual friends and we made out outside this bar, but nothing really ended up happening. She's very pretty and I decided to shoot my shot again and we ended up matching. She set a date to get some drinks and we both went out a week later and had a great time. There was lots of laughter and great vibes and she was telling me how she's always liked me, even when we were younger. We ended up getting pretty hammered and she starts telling me about some sensitive information about her life and family which was pretty serious. I didn't want to give any advice as I don't know her well enough to make any judgements so I just kept quiet about it and was a good listener. I definitely empathized, but did not want to cross any boundaries.

We eventually start making out and make our way back to my place and fast forward a few more drinks and next thing you know we have our clothes off and she's naked waiting for me, and for the life of me, I just can't get hard. I can drink quite a bit and I've never had whisky dick before, so it was super embarrassing and I got in my own head and made things awkward. She was planning on sleeping over my house still after not being able to get hard, but ended up leaving back to her place that night. I thought I ruined everything by not just accepting the problem and moving on. So I ended up texting her, kind of addressing the awkwardness and ask if she'd go out with me again and she told me that she would which is awesome.

I schedule a date to get some oysters for Friday @ 7PM and when Friday comes, at around 5PM the restaurant calls to see if we can be flexible and be seated at 7:15. I text her to let her know they changed it to another 15 mins and told them that would be fine, but didn't hear anything back from her for an hour (note: she sucks at texting, responses take days, even on Hinge). At around 50 minutes before reservations start, I get a text message saying that she's so sorry that she forgot about a commitment she made for a bday and asked if we can meet the next day on Saturday. I was pretty angry because it was 50 minutes before reservations started and thought that was just a sloppy move. But I give the benefit of the doubt and let her know that's totally fine and if we should meet same time and place tomorrow. The next day on Saturday, I don't hear back any confirmation from her since my last text and it's now 5PM. On our first date, we were talking about being upfront and keeping things real and if this wouldn't work, then it wouldn't work and there would be no expectations. So I decided to text her and let her know, based on what we talked about just be real and if this is not the move, then it's not, but just let me know if you're interested or not. She texts back pretty immediately letting me know that was not the case and how sorry she is and she is just a "shitty texter" and asks if I can meet up 8PM at the oyster spot.

I meet up at 8 that night with her and we eat dinner and again, have a great time and she ends up trying to pay for the bill. We have some more drinks (i'm not drinking as much) and head to a rooftop bar nearby. She's all over me, and we get to the bar and take a seat and she keeps telling me how much she likes me and that there is something about me she can't explain. She also stated reason she wasn't texting was because she thought I thought less of her for trying to have sex on the first night and about all the sensitive information she was telling me. She was also paranoid that all the information she told me would get back to her family, as our families are close friends. She then starts asking me questions she said may make me feel uncomfortable and asks if I'd ever have kids and if I wouldn't then we should stop talking now. She also asked if I was open to exclusiveness. I let her know I do want kids one day and again that I don't have expectations and if it leads to exclusiveness then that's great, but I'm not forcing anything. Eventually we go back to my place and she pours some wine and I can see her yawning here and there and then eventually lets me know that she has to leave (about 20 minutes after getting to my house). She said she's real tired and was up since 4AM and that we could hang out the next day on Sunday and that she'll text me. I said we'll see if she follows through and I walk her to her car and give her a kiss but it felt like it was reserved. Like a peck on the lips, rather then what we've been doing. Of course the next day on Sunday, I don't hear anything from her in the AM when she said she'd text me. So I text her asking if she was still down to kick it that day and she tells me that she has to go to her parents house and she would see what I was up to after. I said that's fine, but again, I don't hear anything back.

I'm confused how to perceive this and how to proceed. In one hand I get these vibes that she's really into me, but then she ends up leaving 15 mins in after getting to my house or makes a commitment to hang out and then doesn't. The biggest red flag for me is how reliable she is, which she doesn't seem to be. But I do like her a lot and think if she opens up more, then I'd start to see some more reliability. I just don't know if she is even interested any more, if someone was interested, I'd feel like they would put more effort to communicate. I don't know if I shouldn't text back at all and wait for her or if I should keep striking first and ask her for a 3rd date. Also, I'm not just some random Tinder date, so I would hope when she says she likes me, she actually does and isn't just saying shit for the sake of saying it. I just want her to be open if she's not interested and i've brought it up already and don't want to keep asking that same question. Does anyone have any feedback or suggestions on how I should take this and how I should proceed?

September 30, 2020, 07:52:53 AM
Reply #1
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wife_or_not


In my opinion she is a nice person that is why when she is with you she acts nice and says she likes you.

But, cancelling a date in less than an hour is not serious and somewhat childish. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants or contrary knows exactly what she wants and keeps you as "Plan B", hence saying nice things to you.

The fact she asks you about kids is that she considers you as a potential husband, but seems like a husband if no other options will be available.

So, my advise to you is to ignore her and do not text her. If she will not text/call you in the next week or so then maybe she has some better commitments and I am sure you do not want to be her "Plan B".
Helping single men make the right choice

October 08, 2020, 11:56:18 AM
Reply #2
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herkamer63


Kind of sounds like she wants one thing, and it's really something you need to consider next time. Now, you're an adult and you can do what you want to do on a sexual level. That's none of my business. However, there are consequences to those actions. In this particular situation, kids. I think the way she sees you is as an FWB, but the kids part probably has her scared. She wants all the benefits of a physical relationship, minus the responsibilities that may come after. I was in a similar situation, and the fact that she isn't responding to you isn't because she's terrible at responding. My opinion, sounds she doesn't want to take the relationship any further than the sex and is not ready to commit to something more serious and meaningful. On top of that, I think she is trying to find a way out of it. If it continues to happen, it's time to move on from her. Being friends is fine, but it's a better idea to not be a FWB.

I'm sure you're a good guy and want something more, which is great. However, my advice is if you two do end up splitting, find someone who is committed to the relationship first. Go out on a couple of dates, get to know the person, stand firm on your beliefs but be respectful and find common ground, and have fun. Sex before a serious relationship, what I've noticed, leads to problems you don't want. People today don't see that, but I've seen many people that I know personally who have done that and end up with emotional, mental, and financial problems when kids are involved. It may not happen right away, but overtime it begins to show in the person's character. If you guys happen to stay together, try to stay away from the sexual part for awhile. Again, you're an adult so don't let me tell you what you are and are not allowed to do. That's between you guys. But a suggestion is try to switch gears and simply do stuff that you both enjoy doing together that doesn't involve sexual activity. If she truly likes you, something as simple as going to the movies should be enough, so long as she's enjoying her time with you. If she refuses to do that kind of stuff, then you'll know it's time to move on from her because she clearly isn't ready for a guy like you.

Hopefully I'm not sounding mean or condescending. That is not my intent here. Far from it. As I mentioned earlier, I was in a similar situation, and I don't want to see a good guy get dragged down because the woman they're seeing is holding out on him. Keep being you, don't be afraid to ask questions and seek advice from the people around you, and make the right decisions. If you need to know what I've been through, shoot me a message on here. I'll be more than happy to give you my story. Anyway, good luck and I do hope things work out for you two in the end!

 

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