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Author Topic: High School Crush - 30 years later

May 01, 2019, 08:56:08 AM
Read 4614 times


Back in High School, I was close with a girl, but we never dated.  She has since told me that she was closer to me than people she dated.  We had a misunderstanding and a fight (my fault) and we drifted apart.

I thought I made such a fool of myself that we could never be the way we were.  But, over the years she made efforts to reach out and chat.

2 years ago, she reached out - after responding to a post on social media.  We started chatting online.  It quickly escalated - to the point where we were texting a number of times a day, then phone calls, then FaceTime, etc.  We would easily be chatting 6 or more times a day, and for hours at night.

Initially, the challenges were:

1. She lived 4-5 hours away from me
2. She was involved in a long term relationship with someone else
3. I was married.

I realized early on that I still had feelings for her.  Yet, she has always been the queen of mixed signals.

My marriage is over, and am working towards divorce.  No chance for saving my marriage with or without Crush in my life.  A few months back, crush broke up with her Long Term Relationship.  He broke up with her.  She was (and still is) devastated over it.  I have been there for her, and have helped her through this.  She has told me many times she can't imagine what would have happened without me.  We grew closer.

We did meet a couple of times in person, and in fact, about a month ago - we spent a weekend together.  She has told me a number of times she isn't sure how she feels about me, and she isn't sure she will be able to love again.  But, she talks about our connection all the time - and how its not something she can define or has experienced before.

When we spent the weekend together, she always grabbed for my hand while walking....  Wanted to kiss...  And yes, we had sex together.  (Where she is a huge flirt, she told me she has only be with 2-3 people in her life - sexually).

Things were good - we have discussed doing things together this summer, etc.  But last week, she found out something about her ex, that upset her.  She won't tell me about it.  She has sometimes taken out frustrations with ex on me - snide comments, pulling away, etc.  We had a disagreement - and were talking.   I had mentioned I thought she had more feelings for me then she was letting on - especially if she was willing to sleep with me after only having a few partners in her life.  (She is 50, I am 52).  She does not share easily with people, and where I am probably the person she shares the most with - I am not under any delusions that she shares all with me.  She also has told me she has dated since her breakup, but she keeps comparing these other people to me, and she finds reasons to shoot them down.  The fact that I am not divorced yet has held her back.

I don't know if she was being honest with me, angry about her ex and taking it out on me or both.  But this is what she said to me in our last FaceTime conversation last week about our relationship:

1. I don't know how I feel about you.  Sometimes I think you are the one, and other times - not so much.
2. Where I had a good time with you that weekend - my wanting to hold your hand or kiss you was not about you.  Its what I do.
3. When I got back home after the weekend, nothing had changed for me in my feelings about you.
4. She wanted to let me know that she is still going on dates, but that she hates the fact that she feels like she is sneaking around.  (I have told her I can't stop her from dating - especially if I am not divorced - but I just dont want to know about it.  Good, bad or indifferent).

Where what she said was certainly hurtful to me, I wonder if she was just being honest with me about her true feelings?  I have been pretty open with her about my feelings - and sometimes she seems to reciprocate (talks about going to my family events in the future, trips together, etc) and other times she seems to push me away hard.  This clearly was a push.

As a result over the past week I have really withdrawn since that conversation.  She was the one who initiated 70 percent of our conversations - and she hasn't called or facetimed since.  She has texted, but I have been purposely slow to respond, if at all.  I have only initiated a text conversation to her twice over the past week.   And we have actually gone a day or two without talking for the first time in months....

My feeling was maybe it is best for me to pull back a little, if she isn't sure how she feels.  I can't be out there by myself, without getting something in return.


May 08, 2019, 08:48:14 PM
Reply #1


Sir, you should definitely back up .
Seems like she's not really over her ex and is just trying outside with...well everyone.

So please don't get too involved to avoid another heartbreak.
You may as well let her know that you'll let her some time to figure herself out.
And if after that time she doesn't come around, please feel free to move on with your life.

Sorry for the english

May 08, 2019, 08:50:00 PM
Reply #2


Also could you please help me sort out this situation ?

We were dating long-distance with my ex ( he's 30 and I'm 26) for nearly 3 years when he quietly disappeared after a conversation we had where I playfully told him that I didn't care if he were to leave for another woman . I've always had a pattern of playing it cool with him because I've been scared of showing vulnerability . After that day though, we were broken up for 10 months since he never really said anything but quietly disappeared. He's an avoidant who despises conflicts . I didn't pursue him but made sure rumors got to him that I had someone else, only to hurt him the way he hurted me . Two months ago though we got back in touch  and he apologised for the way he went off the radar. I asked him some help with a project when I'll be back to my country and he showed enthusiasm and support, even making inside jokes.
Knowing he's also single, I confessed after that I still loved him and told him all the truth about having been single for the past months  but also lashed out at him, telling how he broke my heart . He never responded to my email.

In 3 months I'll be back in my country. Should I let him know I'm back or just leave things this way ? I can't help but feel like there's an "unfinished business".
Thanks a lot and sorry if there are mistakes, I'm a french speaker .

May 09, 2019, 03:12:31 AM
Reply #3


Wow! Amazing. Good luck!

Quite an interesting topic. All the very best.


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