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Author Topic: Had Affair, think i fell in Love, now what?

January 31, 2020, 02:00:58 AM
Read 753 times


Sorry this a HUGE read but it helps to write all this down and get it out

So long story short I'm in/was in an affair with a woman at work and now I'm not quite sure what this woman wants or how to get rid of her.  Just warning you this has some somewhat graphic sexual descriptions but they are pertient to the story so read at your own risk.

So to give a backstory I'm married to a wonderful woman of almost 15 years and she's absolutely amazing.  She's kind considerate, selfless a great mother to our children.  I've never seriously considrered another woman ever.  I've had crushes and some fantasies but nothing ever serious.  One thing I wouldn't call my wife though is sexually exciting, at least not a lot anymore.  She's always been a shy person, quiet and easily embarrased.  She also tends to not be much of an admierer/praiser type of person.  For instance, I'll be working out and do something to make my muscles pop and she kinda rolls her eyes and blows if off and says "that's not why I married you, I married you for you".  Which is perfectly fine and I love that but every once in a while I't would be nice to get a bit of praise or a "DAMN that'sexy, etc."


So I started working on a project with this woman at work back in July and I've known of her for several years but never talked to her.  She and I were working on this project and she ended up being flirty and VERY interested in me.  Not pursuing me so much but going out of her way to talk to me, emailing me, texting me, etc.  It turns out we have a love of Star Wars in common and we seemed to bond over that and it wasn't too long after all of that she began to consider me one of her best friends.  It was obvious she liked me, even to one of my employees she was nuts about me, almost obsessively.

Well turns out she's been divorced for about two years and she had a really REALLY rough marriage (He was verbally abusive, made her particiapte in threesomes, etc) and her upbringing wasn't a lot better.  Around about October of last year she confessed to me that she really was grateful to me and cared about me a whole lot.  She said that for two years she would just sit alone on the weekends in her apartment (weekends when she didn't have her kids) and would just be alond and she credited me with help bringing her out of that and, as she called it, "bringing her out of a dark place in her life"  All this time she continued to eat up anythinig I did...she was CRAZY into me  but nothing physical ever occured.  We talked constantly though..at work on the weekends.  At this point this was definately an emontional affair but I didn't see it as such. 

About early November she started dating this guy she went to school with years ago and I really, REALLY started having a hard time with it and went into a VERY dark place.  At first I was baffled because I couldn't understand why I was feeling so jealous of this guy but it hit me.  I had feelings for her and the reason I had feelings for her was becasue she was filling the need my wife didn't.  She was appealing to my ego, my vanity, she though I was the hottest thing on the planet and she was crazy about me. 

I slipped further down this dark place and even though she was "dating" this other guy it turns out she was still just as crazy about me.  For instance, she would go on a date with him and then come home after the date and chat with me or text with me.  I was conflicted and torn op and finally, primarily out of jealousy, I asked her for a picture.  For which she obliged and we proceeded to sext over the chat.  I felt terrible about it for what I had done and she told me we could write that off and reset and go on about our business.  This happened around the beginning of December

I tried to but I stil felt guilty and I still felt jealous. and conflicted.  So as it turns out I'm able to take off about 3 weeks at the end of the year around Christmastime.  and I decided then that I would take that three weeks and try to get this girl out of my head.  While this is going on my wife never, EVER suspects a thing BTW (not that I'm proud of that but just FYI).  I try to stay away from her but we still talk and one night we were both drunk and we sext like we had never sexted before.  Again  I felt terrible the next day and I tell her I need a break from her for the next three weeks.  Well naturally I can't do that and while we didn't sext again over the break she did send me several nude pics and we kept talking. 

At this point the guilt and the jealousy and the obsession are reaching an all time high.  I'm compuslively checking the phone to see the last time she has texted me because if she's slow to respond I know she's out with the other guy.  I'm telling you it was bad.  It was Christmas time, what should be my most favorite holidy and I was MISERABLE.  She ends up breaking up with this guy on New Years Eve though and she tells me about it because she knows I've had a problem with it.

Anyway, we get back to work I'm excited to see her, she's excited to see me.  We meet up in a conference room at work after hours and we kiss, she gives me a blow job and we talk.  She says this is only happening once and of course in the heat of the moment I agree to it. but a few days later I want this some more.  We talk later about what happened and she agrees to a plan i had where I would come over to her house and watch some Star Wars movies with her.  Long story short she said she would as long as we didn't have sex which pissed me off because that was what I wanted and I thought she wanted it too.  At the end of our convo she said she wasn't taking sex off the table anymore so we continued on.  At this point I'm starting to act really perplexed becasue the mixed signals are starting.

The week after that we have a huge plannig session at our corporate HQ and we all go out three nights that week.  On Monday during the day, the first day of the meetings, she and I meet in the conference room for a quick make out session before we go back to work.  We go out and I pick her up from her apartment and we had to the bar and she starts to get really drunk.  She goes to the bathroom and takes a picture of herself with her panties off and texts it to me and of coures i'm getting excited.  I have to leave early though so she opts to stay there at the bar.  I'm disappointed because I thought I'd drive her home but she wants to stay.  She runs out to my car though and hugs me voraciously, kisses me and asks me if I'm coming again tomorrow. I say yes.

The next day rolls around and she is much cooler.  Nothing happens.  The third day we go out and I'm the one who gets a bit drunk and we go back to her apartment but she is really acting standoffish towards me.  We end up talking for a bit and I finally rush over and embrace her in kiss  She is reluctant because I'm married but she mentions that she wants me so much.  I take off her her bra but she riterates the "but your married bit" and sweetly kicks me out of her apartment but her language was such that she was willing to try again but not be so rushed and unromatnic.  Okay I get that but again, the mixed signals are huge here.  On Monday she's  sending me nude pictures, she's been into me for months and now all of a sudden she backs off.

So now come to the present day a bit.  The weekend after all of that went down I told her I wasn't touching her again unless she asked.  She wasn't happy about something but she didnt' go into detail about it...I'm not sure if she wasn't happy becasue I started something physical and she didn't like that or if it was becasue I said I wouldn't touch her again unless she asked for it.  I told her how I felt about the mixed signals and she said she understood and admitted that she was very complicated.  She also admitted that her guilt bothered her A LOT.  And that's from personal experience on her side; she's been around.

Basically she's got feelings for me and I've got feelings for her. 

SO TL;DR.  Here's my issue.  I've still got feelings for this girl but she wants to still be my friend.  She even asked me if we were still friends.  I told her that I have hard time going back to where we were.  She still wants to talk and have me there but I dont' think she wants anything physical.  After this whole thing went down during the planning week I pushed her away for a bit.  I didn't talk to her much and I didn't go see her.  I eventually did start talking to her and told her I missed her and she said she missed me more and that I made her day when I talked to her.  That was last Friday and this week I've been by to see her every day but nothing has happened although she has dropped hints that she wants them too.  She's commented on how I look and she sent me pictures of herself after she got her haircut today.

So here's the deal.  I'm trying to ditch this woman but she wants me to stay her friend and I can't do that for numerous reasons.  I want to forget about her and move but she still keeps roping me in.  I dont' think she intentionally wans to cause me problems but I feel like I'm being kept in this perpetual no-win scenario and I dont' know how to get out of it.  I've gotten A LOT better though but for a while there she was all I thought about it and I didn't care how it would wreck my marriage or my wife and I look back on that and I can't belive I did that.  I'm grateful to her for stoppign me before I went too far but at the same time I don't understand where her reservations were when she sent me pictues and we were sexting, etc.  I'm just at a bit of a loss about what to do.  I think this girl has got mental problems too...if I had to guess she's bi-polar but heck if I know.

January 31, 2020, 02:08:30 AM
Reply #1


Oh and she told me she "needs me everyday" and I don't think she's lying.  I think I've become an emotional pillar for this girl and I appreciate that but I don't think she gets how much this is keeping me in the lurch. Trying to figure her out is like reading Greek in Russian in the dark with four thrash metal bands all playing at the same time while a short evil gnome is driving rusty nails thru your balls. 

February 02, 2020, 10:20:25 PM
Reply #2


I’d like to jump in here as you are going to get a lot of opposing views. Some people will talk about ethics, family morals etc. I won’t. I understand it’s not always that clear cut.

I have had an exceptionally similar experience with my life. For the full story if you are interested see my thread, with the key difference my marriage was disintegrating.

A month or two have progressed after my office romance and we’ve caught up pretty much every day for coffee. We’ve met for a weekend breakfast which was nice. And this is where the problem lies for me - the continued contact basically extends the need for me to want to be with her and I can’t get her out of my mind, while at the same she gets what she needs in a friend and an emotional connection which I don’t think she gets at home with her fiancé. We text like 100+ times a day, like partners.

For me and as much as I don’t want to do this I have to break off contact with her despite how much I want her and want to be with her. For you I suspect it will be a similar situation as rough as it will be, you have to do it. She filled a void in your life which is great. Now it’s time for you to work out to fill that void in your life with something else. It could be with your wife, a sport or something but prolonging the contact with the office girl will only extend the feelings on your end. Her wanting to continue it basically extends her ability to control the situation for her benefit.

In terms of why she called it off, maybe she had some time to reflect on what she was doing with you and how it might have been morally wrong and got cold feet. Or she just got the attention she craved. Who knows. Some girls are just crazy

February 07, 2020, 09:35:42 AM
Reply #3


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