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Author Topic: Girlfriend with mental health issues leads to a dead bedroom and cheating.

May 28, 2019, 08:01:45 PM
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I've been with my girlfriend (around age 20-25), for 2 years and a few months and I love her very much. We have been dating long-distance for most of our relationship (2+ hours driving distance). I am seeking relationship advice.

For the first 4 months of the relationship, we had sex about 3-4 times per week. Afterwards, she started to have a lower sex drive and we had a decline in sexual activity. She was willing to talk about our sex issues and we tried many different things to fix them. By 1.5 years, we had sex about once every 2 months. Now, we have been in a dead bedroom relationship (no sex) for 7 months and she doesn't want to talk about sex anymore. However, she still talks about our future and says things like, "When we live together...".

Problem #1
One day, around the time that we stopped having sex, she let me use her computer for some online shopping. I accidentally discovered that she signed up for an online 18+ adult cam-girl website (a free porn website), where she was a cam-girl working for "donations" and she had a public profile on the site. She was on the site for about 4 months and then quit the site for an unknown reason. I was dumbfounded at this discovery and haven't ever told her that I knew about it. On her profile, it said that she was into the daddy-dom; little-girl (DDLG) kink/fetish. When I nonchalantly asked her if she wants to try "this new fetish that I found out" called DDLG, she screams at me and exclaims that she would never be interested in that fetish ever. I tried getting her to confess of her volition by asking her open ended questions; sitting her down and asking her how she is and if everything is alright in her world, but she never confessed. I also noticed that she was on her phone texting much more often than she used to. She is an introverted type without too many friends. I realized that the cam-girl site let's people pay to send private messages to cam-girls, which I can only assume is the reason for her increase in texting. If I try to ask who she is texting, she just says "a friend" or "no one". And if I approach her while she is on her phone, then she hides the screen from me, which she didn't used to do. For me personally, I see this as "borderline cheating". It is especially hurtful because she is being sexually active in other ways. I also know that she is not struggling for money because we are open with each other about our finances.

Problem #2
After I discovered the cam-girl site, I was on edge. I thought that I didn't know her anymore.  Around this time, she starts to have more extreme mood swings from happy to angry/annoyed/bitter (bipolar?). She is also being less responsive answering my phone calls and my text messages, sometimes not responding for 48 hours when she used to respond within minutes.

(Near) Present Time
Last week, I drove down to see her like I frequently do. Shortly after I arrive, she has a terrible mood swing and lashes out at me for no apparent reason. Then she apologizes and says that she has been dealing with "mental health" issues recently. She may also be struggling with depression, anxiety, stress, and self-esteem issues (although I don't know why because I always compliment her). This is the closest that she has come to admitting that anything is wrong. Note: she has never been officially diagnosed with any mental illness and is a functioning and cognitive adult, though I'm not denying that she is struggling with issues. I ask her if she would talk to me about her mental health issues and she refuses. I tell her that I want to help her and she retorts with "If you want to help me then stop asking me about it".

I try to be as caring and helpful as I can, but I'm starting to run out of patience and hope. I've also asked if she wants to do relationship counseling and she doesn't want to. I don't want to leave her, but I feel as if I have no other option. I don't know how to help her and I don't know if/when she will be ready to talk about her issues. It has been 7 months (and counting) with all of this going on.

Any advice about this situation is helpful.
Do I stay with her? If I stay with her, how can I get through to her and help her when she is not willing to talk? Is there any chance for this relationship at all? How much longer should I wait to see if things get better? Should I just come out and say that I know about the cam-girl site (which I think is a bad idea)? Do I tell her that I won't talk with her anymore unless she opens up?
Do I leave her? Does I (or anyone) deserve to be treated this way? Do I forgive her because of her "mental illness"? If we do fix this, what happens if it comes back? Would you consider the cam-girl thing cheating? Why is she doing the cam-girl thing? What are the implications for her fetish? What would you do in this situation?

May 29, 2019, 05:46:26 PM
Reply #1


Ultimately it's up to you, i can only give opinion based on my own experiences.  Sorry in advance if my advice seems uncaring and hope I'm making a bit of sense.

It is difficult, i can only speak from a point of view of knowing a family member with such a mental illness.  It is immensely draining.  And can make the one receiving the abuse from the person who's ill sometimes angry and sometimes confused a roller-coaster of emotions.  It's not the person who's ill fault, they can't see the illness they have, and that's what makes it harder to just leave them. 

I hope I'm not being negative or not understanding, but based on my personally experience of being in the presents of a person with Bipolar over many years from time to time.  If it was me I would slowly try to move away from her and lose contact with her, it would be very hard to break that bond depending on personal experience.  But it could be equally very very draining to deal with day to day unpredictability. 

Very very difficult predicament, your kinda dammed if you do dammed if you don't.

It is heart wrenching sometimes when you see the illness take over the person you care about, but in reality it's not curable and the person themselves needs help, but even with treatment there can still be ups and downs lasting many years depending on the severity of the illness and treatment.

I'm not qualified to say if you should leave her or not, but i do know from experience.  If you try and work at a solution be prepared for the very very long haul, that never really ends.  If you leave her, she could become resentful and take it out more on you, because of the instability, but over time you may get free and can move on with living your own life.  It's harsh, but sometimes we have to think about our selves in situations.

Honestly, very very difficult call.  Because i know how much of a heart wrenching it can be just to leave someone with such an illness, maybe even if it's possible to get someone to help her, but as i say previous if your in for a very bumpy roller-coaster ride then help as much as you can and be there for her.  But based solely on my own experience it's immensely hard see someone destroy their life due to an illness they can not tackle alone or even see.
Best of luck and i wish you the best for future and i apologise if I seem insensitive to the situation.

If need questions answer just ask, but I'm not medically trained just someone that has seen first hand how mental illness can destroy the person and those around that person.

« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 06:13:49 PM by Elliott »
Former CIA Officer Will Teach You How to Spot a Lie: *Link Removed*

June 05, 2019, 11:44:25 AM
Reply #2


I really appreciate the reply, Elliott.
If anyone has anymore advice or anecdotes, please let me know.

June 07, 2019, 03:55:20 PM
Reply #3


I almost could have written your post myself.  I am with a bipolar woman.  I have been for over 10 years now.  I just wrote a post because our current mess is financial, but I am in much deeper than you - married with a daughter - and I truly don't feel leaving may be a viable option.  This advice may sound very cold, but I am going to give it anyway.  If you are experiencing these questions and issues now, they are not going to improve.  In fact, you will only get yourself in deeper and leaving will become even more difficult if not feel impossible.  I recommend you end things now.  It will suck.  But once you are a bit past the hurt of that, and maybe even feeling you were unfair to leave, you will begin to come out the other side and be able to be whole again.  The problems will only get worse if you stay.  That is at least my voice of experience.

September 25, 2019, 01:08:17 PM
Reply #4


I would consider the cam-girl thing cheating for sure, especially if she is not telling you about it. There are so many red flags. If I was in this position, I would break up with her but try to remain friends to possibly help with her mental health issues unless she wasn't interested in that. You are trying your best and she is still not responding positively, so I would focus on making yourself happy now.

October 19, 2019, 02:53:18 AM
Reply #5


Being a cam girl doesn’t mean it is her fetish. Someone may have talked her into this because she was in need of money. Just because she claims to you she doesn’t have any money issues doesn’t mean they aren’t there. It most likely was just a job and not something she enjoys. It might have really hurt her feelings about sex as well. Possibly it could explain why she wasn’t very interested in sex. When you started fishing for a confession it probably really freaked her out. She might have even thought you were spying on her and taunting her with the info you found. The mental health issues might even be damage from being on that site living a secret life from you and that’s why she cannot talk to you about it. If you still love her I think you should just admit what you found. Tell her you stumbled on to it by mistake and it’s been a hard thing for you to cope with and understand. Tell her it hurt pretty bad and although it might not be cheating to her. It kinda felt like that to you. So you were pretty hurt. Tell her you love her and you think you’ll be able to get past it but that’s not something you can be okay with her going back to and you really need her to be more open with you so you can mend things. You could also tell her you might have made some incorrect assumptions of what gets her going after seeing the site and you’d really like to know what she does want in the bedroom because you have been missing the intimacy you use to have together. I’d be firm that you are willing to forgive the things that have hurt you but you really need her to start working on things because you love her and the situation is too painful in it’s current state. That something has to be done or it’s not going to keep working.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2019, 02:58:26 AM by Murough »

October 27, 2019, 05:34:02 AM
Reply #6


I think you just need to give time and see how it plays out


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