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Author Topic: Girlfriend kinda broke up and is dating a friend. not sure how to behave. help

March 30, 2020, 04:18:53 PM
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Hi. so to give a lot of context... I'm 23, my (ex)girlfriend is 22. we've been together for 3 and a half years. we meet in university. and have been happy all along. at least as happy as any relationship can be, we've been through hell literally and overcome so many things together. it was a mutual decision and we got engaged in October last year.

About a month ago right before the corona hit here it was the birthday of one of our friends who's now 19. long story short there was a joke running in our group about his first time being with us. and the day after his birthday it happened. we crashed the night at his place, slept all on the same bed and in the next morning bang. I don't think it was a normal threesome but it was weird, awkward and I don't know what else. the thing is looking back... I think it was my fault. we all woke up and just stared at the ceiling for ages and talked about it until I took charge. lest just say this fist me, than him, than we tried at the same time (but he was to eager and didn't cooperate) and after it was me again. I felt bad, weirded out. Like I didn't belonged there. so when they started talking about doing it again I told them just that. it didn't feel right. and I wanted time and silence about that topic until I figured this out. they respected that for a wile.

then on the first day of I guess lock down our university building closed but they didn't warn the students so we didn't know about that. the three of us with nothing to do ended up going to his place again. me and him playing on computers and she was on her phone in the bed. she calls me to cuddle and keep her company. so I did and that's when things started to go a bit crazy... she started "attacking" me in a sexual way, trying to turn me on to which I replied multiple times no and denied her advances. the last time I had to scream at her and jump out of the bed because she just wouldn't stop. She snapped, just because I didn't want that at that time she literally picked her things and ran away. I spend over 2 hours looking foe her only to have no excuses, she just showed up got an angry face and everything was normal more or less.

the reason for all of this was because she felt good but she had never had sex without feelings. so she wanted to know if there were feelings involved. and got really confused. she felt guilty for taking his first time because it should be with someone special and all of that. but the thing is no one forced him to nothing. he said it was just sex, I agreed but she was still paranoid about it.

the next two days we were able to spend them together and all, we made love, more than usual but she was still thinking about that point. she said it was because that with her past boyfriends she never had sex without feelings. so in order to try and help I convinced her to talk to him and they did, a long conversation of witch the outcome was the same. it was just sex. yet she still felt guilty. this was Thursday...and she spent the next 3 days overthinking all of this. to the point of talking to him again and that was when he changed his story about it not being just sex...

the next week she decided to break up the engagement explaining that it would take like 5 or more years to actually do it. and as sad as it made me I had to agree since it was true and logic (here I started getting scared like never before) but since we only told our close friends I didn't made a big deal of it.

anyways... she than started getting distant and the next day she broke up with me, she made up some excuses like "we are to young". "next year she's probably moving to a different city", "she doesn't feel happy anymore because of our problems" and "she wants to be able to enjoy a free live, like partying and stuff, enjoy her age".

to keep things in context. we are not exactly young, proposing was more of a commitment proposal, we booth new we wouldn't be able to get married in the next few years; she is probably going to another city and that's totally OK, its not like I will be that far away and probably going there myself the year after so... I don't really see a problem there; then we have our problems witch consist of owning money to my parents and is something totally fixable and manageable but she said that if I needed she would still give her part of the money ; the enjoy her free lifestyle is something completely nonsense, she is and always as been free to do whatever she wanted,she's my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend, we don't own each other.

The next day I found out that she has been talking to and is in some sort of relationship with him and that she wants to give it a try, maybe be with him to figure out what she feels and what she wants. and I'm like... WTF?!

And now here we are. Here what's been happening so far in the last 4 days:

she wants to try to have a relationship with him. to make sure of how she feels. but still wants me to be a part of her life. and I want to be there to help her in anyway I can or to stop her from getting hurt if I have to.

He doesn't talk to me (so much for being a friend). when he does he either changes the subject or plays dumb in order to avoid it (I mean he quite literally made my girlfriend so confused to the point she left me for him, and doesn't even admit his part of the fault in this, he wants pussy and is doing everything to get it) Every time we've spoken he collects the bad parts and shows her but out of context. manipulating her even more. but she cares about him and still protects him.

She and I have been talking every single day for more that 3.5 years. it's not going to stop now, but it's different. if I touch the subject or try to say I miss you or I love you she just closes of a shell I never knew she had before.
we've been going by name or just bb or bby, also her mood changes a lot. sometimes it looks like we're back together and the next moment she closes off everything and just shuts down. it's weird. and it hurts so much.

that are only 2 other friends that know and they booth take my side. he is being an asshole and just plain evil with this. it looks like she is starting to come back a little but then she goes back again to him.

I'll be very honest. I just want her to be as happy as she can but I fear he's going to hurt her. like I said he manipulated her by saying the right things at the wrong times, something like that. she says she loves me but also him, that she feels a powerful attractive connection to him but that it is not comparable to our connection. is just the fact that there are no problems between them (of course there aren't. they haven't even been together. how could there be any problems yet???) and she wants to see where it leads to.

I'm dying on the inside with this. they can say their opinion and everything they want but if I'm the one talking I became the bad guy...

I've cried myself to sleep more in the last few days than ever in my life before. I want to support her, to see her happy, to help her. and above all I want her to be happy at life (but I'm selfish and want all that with me).

Right now they are just waiting for the quarantine to end so they can be together and you know... sex and cuddle and all of those things that used to be our things...

It hurts to know that I live closer to her but still am not able to go get her or meet her. it sucks.

this hurts like nothing ever before and I don't know what to do. any help on how I could get her back and prove her that he is the bad guy in this story?

March 30, 2020, 05:51:10 PM
Reply #1


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April 03, 2020, 06:11:21 AM
Reply #2


Having a threesome is not a problem. It's always when the feelings between people appear there is actually a problem.

I would not say much but she seems to be with the other guy and not you anymore. You are ready for commitment, she clearly is not. You want her back, but she is somewhere else with the other guy cuddling and having sex. Can you handle that fact ? Are you really okay with the fact she is trying to see if she's happy with an other guy while being with you at the same time? I guess my ultimate question is : are you ready to wait for her while she's clearly breaking your heart? Can you accept this situation and hold to her while knowing she is with an other man?
You want her to know that the other guy is the bad one, but maybe from her perspective he's not bad at all. Maybe he was the sign for her that long commitment right now is not for her. But it's really a shame, because you seem to truly love her.
She seems to do what she wants of the relationship, she wants to be with the other guy but still be with you. From my point of view, a relationship is something you build together. She is making her choices, and I think you have the right to express yours.
What I would advise you is to think what you want from this relationship and try to see the bigger picture and think about the future of your relationship.

Keep us posted !
Live. Just live.

April 03, 2020, 10:13:06 AM
Reply #3


Appreciate the support. really.

So... these last few days have been busy. We've been talking but I've been keeping my distance. I want to get her back but I don't want to get more hurt. I don't know... I super confused and she is too.
We're going to meet tomorrow since none of us as covid. I have no idea what to expect. really don't...

She's been saying shes very confused and afraid. of messing up her life, afraid of our relationship (because of our problems), afraid of him (because of his intentions), afraid of ending up alone.

She keeps saying I shouldn't have my hopes up but then keeps saying that she still loves me and all that. it«s so confusing...

also I've told some friends, actually just 1 but then I found out that more people new about all this. so I've been getting help from 5 of our mutual friends now who think the same as me. that she is doing a bad thing to us and that he is being a shity friend to say the least.

April 04, 2020, 05:24:05 AM
Reply #4


Honestly, let's see how the conversation goes and then keep us posted!
From what you say, she seems to have a "turning point" in her life where she is questionning everything around her, but she is also hurting other people. She is going to make choices for herself about what she wants and need and how she sees the future. Let's just hope everything is going to be alright for both of you!
I hope that she won't make choices because she is scared of being alone.

With Love,

Live. Just live.

April 04, 2020, 02:16:06 PM
Reply #5


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April 13, 2020, 09:55:41 AM
Reply #6


Hi there sorry for no updates but...  I have no idea where I am with my life...

warning this is going to be a long post

So it's been a week since we've meet last Sunday, it was like going back in time, before the virus, the quarantine and before all this.
we went to our spot, talked, cried, make out, had sex, cried some more and explained everything to each other in between the tears and kisses. but that was not a getting back thing. I don't know what it was...

She feels guilty and very confused about all this. afraid of him, his intentions. afraid of loosing me even more. afraid of doing the worst thing in her life. and afraid of how I will be if anything happens at the end, afraid of my reaction (I'm not violent or anything but I'm really going down a path I've been before ant took a long time to crawl out of. depression)

I  fell like shit, destroyed from the inside. fell like we should give our relationship a second try because something like what we had can't just end like this. not this fast this way... I mean it she had just talked to me before the quarantine instead of ending things by message and getting "with" him right away... maybe things could have been easier...

that day made us very good, we were happy for the first time in weeks. we took a walk. visited family (at a distance of coarse) we were back at holding hands, laughing, making jokes, touching and hugging each other, everything that we did before. the only parts were I noticed she was not happy was when he messaged her. at those moments her face always went like dark and heavy... I kinda complained that that was supposed to be our day. like OUR day. she agreed and said he was just worried with what might happen between us (like for real??? THE GUY WHO USED TO BE MY FRIEND AND STOLE AND MANIPULATED MY GIRLFRIEND AND FIANCE IS WORRIED THAT SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPENED BETWEEN US??? LIKE FOR REAL??? THE HYPOCRISY)

in the end of the day we got back to her place, had an afternoon lunch with the family (all safe don't worry) and she was always leaning on me, hugging me, rubbing my leg so that I would hold her hand and things like that. the things we always did while in lunches, classes, etc...

then she got a message from him (they were exchanging messages through most of that lunch but even though it bordered me I was OK with it, she was always asking if it was OK and I can't stop her from doing anything, never could and never would) saying that they would't be able to be together on Easter weekend. she became heavy and sad.

Note: I love her. I really do and I think I will always and for that reason I want her to be happy. and if they have to be together to fix all of this then I have to be prepared for that. and if she then wants to come back to me she will have a lot of work to do. A LOT. because after this... I will still love her, and I will still want her to be happy above everything but it will take a lot of time and trust to rebuild what we had.

after the message she became extremely close to me, she says that was a sign... of what I can only imagine. some time later I had to leave. we spent like what seemed like an eternity saying goodbye... (it was really like 10-15 minutes but still) grabbing each other, stealing kisses from each other, saying I love you to each other... all so normal to us...

she called me after I got home to thank me for everything, for the day. that now she had a difficult choice to make. tell him or not about everything.

that night we had a video call with friends to watch a movie and after she went to call him in private. she was planing on not telling him about the sex parts and kisses and all that. but started freaking out about lying to him. saying she could not live with herself for lying about that (but she could with lying to me). I just tried to show some support and said she should do what would be the best for her, and for no one else. she exploded to me but still told him. she sent me some prints of their conversations after. he was angry, hurt, and says he didn't know how to look at my face from now on... (that little hypocrite shit) He does all this to me, to US and still thinks he can and has the right to be angry??? really??? that little fucker...

that night I think she called me crying so that I could help her sleep with a story (something we did every night).

the next day (Monday) I thought it was better to have some space (stupid me) so I said good morning, all that, and that it might be better to have some time off, maybe all three of us, give her time to think about everything. she agreed and said that would be nice. to help her thing and have peace with herself. well that didn't last 8 hours... she called me like 5 or 6 hours saying she couldn't be this long mad at me or away from me, that I'm still the 3rd most important person in her life (the 1st and 2nd are her sisters). that made me smile...

the next day I tried to kind of fix things. talk to booth of them because this is a 3 person problem and until they meet and we meet all there is no fixing this. there isn't. so I talked to her to try and keep thing normal. no talking about the subject, talking normally, they not mentioning it every 5 minutes during calls with friends. stuff like that. she agreed. and I went to talk to him... he had the audacity to feel angry for what happened (like WTF dude!!!!!! you do this to me and you're the one who think should be angry? to clarify they don't even date yet, they just talk and are trying to figure out if that is something or not ... at least that's what she says to everyone) so don't come with that attitude towards me dude, just fuck of. well we talked and he agreed to. I  think it was all OK, I was not aggressive or anything but I must say... I think he went to call her next and lied or distorted what I said or something because like 20 minutes later she called me screaming to never talk to her again ever. I was like... wtf? what's going on? we had a fight and and calm down. still don-t know what that was about.

that night I had a panic attack, she was the first person I could call and honestly the only one that could calm me down. we talked, remembered the old memories, the good ones.

this was all until Wednesday. last Friday out of nowhere she got drunk late at night in her house, next to her little sister in bed. she was just clashing down and hitting the bottom. and she started speaking to me spilling out everything

and I'm going leave the topics here (i'll try putting them in order):

she's a whore, a traitor.
she left me because of him, not because of all the excuses she mentioned before
she wants to meet with me to have sex more times
(here I said no because I don't want to be used like a toy, I want her and it's not to late to get back to the way things were)
she wants to just vanish, so her problems do too.
(here we had a very extended fight because she was talking about suicide and leaving me very worried like never before)
she needs to try with him to make out her mind
she's afraid of everything
she still loves me but wont say it because of all this
she doesn't want me to have hopes so I don't get more hurt if we don't get back together

this went for about 2 hours. she the texted him a very long message (she showed me prints) saying she was OK, drunk but OK.
His response was literally just "oki babe I feel better now" she called me right after again, crying cause she was going through hell on that moment and that was all he had to say...
 she again texted him back saying that she needs to be sure about his intentions, that she is sure they are not going to work for how different they are, how different the things they want are, and that she left the best relationship of her life for him, she left a person who did everything for her for a guy who doesn't even text her more than 3 words at the same time (he responded with a What???) and she keep going saying that she is used to talk 24\7 and he's not, that they have very different objectives in life, all that. that he must understand what's going on here because she left everything for him. everything. his response was "I know" she was devastated... she likes people to express their feelings to her the same way she does (one of my many mistakes). she then fall asleep in call with me. he later texted her a small paragraph trying to explain something. lets just say grammar ins't his best but I think and she thinks to that he wants to do everything to make that work and to change what doesn't.

April 14, 2020, 06:58:55 AM
Reply #7


mate, it's no longer your responsibility. She made her choices, you're not part of them anymore. I think you had enough emotionnal break down with her the last few weeks. Let her go, let time do its own thing. I think she had problem on her own, she has to fix them.
Live. Just live.

April 15, 2020, 04:18:24 PM
Reply #8


April 19, 2020, 01:07:43 PM
Reply #9


Just ignore it. Don't lose a friend because of her
I't not me who's losing a friend. he did this to me, to us. as far as I know this is all his fault because it all started when he changed his story knowing what that would cause. I have no idea of what I'm going to do the first time I see him after all this but right now... he's not my friend anymore. and never will. I just can't do that to myself...

April 20, 2020, 11:55:29 AM
Reply #10


April 22, 2020, 12:41:15 PM
Reply #11

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Have you tried getting help and advice from a spiritual medium?

April 23, 2020, 04:06:43 AM
Reply #12


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April 24, 2020, 08:52:08 AM
Reply #13



So it's been a couple of weeks I think (time at home is starting to get confused to me with all this in my head) things have been weird to say the least. about 8\9 days ago she started getting closer to me again and talking and calling late at night like old times, saying that she misses my voice, falling asleep on my bed,with her head on my chest, sleeping with me, being with me. so all those nights we talked and bonded again, we had a couple of sex talks and a lot of made up stories so she could fall asleep. It was nice, it made me feel better, her too I think, but the thing is she was someone different day and night. during the day she was the same confused girl but at night... she would call and be a woman I love. it's weird...

then this past saturday (18th) she came with a very weird talk about space, about not being a good thing for me to be talking to her still and that she would step back and give me space and time to heal because she can't be happy knowing that I was hurt the way I am. That from now on either she or he would come to our group skype calls so that they wouldn't hurt me. it was confusing and unsettling to say the least.

Well then there was my birthday, this last monday (april 20th). the day before we were planning on spending the day together, either just go for a walk or something or spend the night at my place. I managed to convince my parents (I should have never told them anything, never) and everything was set. Until she started to change her mind... it was best for us not to meet (we had 3 exams this week so we had to study) and because of that we didn't meet on my birthday (by the way she was my wish)

so we and our group did a skype call to celebrate my birthday right at the beginning of day 20 (00:00h), she was the first to congratulate me... right after was him... lets just say that that didn't sink well with me, the hypocrisy of him to pretend everything is ok. I couldn't help it...I had a panic attack... got out of the call started crying and having difficulty breathing. she called right after, helped me through it, breathing better, calking calmly, but she also started crying and having a panic attack... so there we were... booth crying, trying to calm each other down... we eventually made it, after about 40 minutes or so (she got really upset because he only asked if everything was ok after 30 minutes or so, she said he didn't care like I did). we talked for a little more, about her, about me, about all. turns out I know more about how her head works than herself. I know why she's doing this because I know how her head works (after the threesome she felt guilty and used, then she overthinked the problem, all of it, so right now she needs to be with him to figure out her head, because if she would not be with him and got back to me she will always have the thought about what could have been but wasn't and that would consume her), she still thinks it's going to end bad, that he doesn't care as much as me, all that but she must do it and since we are no longer together I can't stop her... I wish I could but I would also regret that after. we also talked about her talking to someone (something she should have done from the beginning but just didn't) because she can't take this anymore, she said she is at the point she would rather ignore all this and get back to me so I wouldn't be like this... but I don't want that... not like that.
After that we calmed down, got back on tha call and after a while we went to bed. she called, we had a sex talk, a calm down talk, a happy birthday talk. a miss you talk...

the next  morning we had an exam, she called me on skype so we could do it together, we talked for a bit after that, then my gift arrived, 2 jurassic park pops that she ordered to me, with our group and all. she was more excited that I was. it was my birthday and I was hoping she would come by my place even for just 5 minutes but that didn't happened... the rest of the day was normal. she again called at night and among other things we joked about being lovers after this, that all it would take was one of us asking and we would fuck eachother out, it was fun.

 the next day everything was normal but by lunch time she started stressing out, she called me very upset saying she was going to end everything with him. I was like why? she said she couldn't take it anymore of this, of the pressure, af me being sad like this, all of it. it had to end and she needed to learn to live by herself, without me. she asked for space and time. she said I should be happy about this  because it's all I wanted. yes it was but not like this, not for her to be like this... the first thing he said after they split was for her to delete everything (he didn't even fight for her wtf) but she still keeps talking to him under the excuse that unlike me he hasn't done anything wrong. and I'm like what???? that night she didn't call.

the next day she told me that even though they broke up she was still going to his place. she said the "I'm sorry" (the one I made her promise to say when there were no more chances for us) but right after she told me she wanted to meet this sunday so she could be with me and made her decision. I said that because of what she just said before it looked like she already had the decision made. her answer as "sorry that was not what I wanted to say" (I'm even more confused.

today is friday... yesterday she didn't talk to me all day, not even a good morning, I tried to respect the space, booth of them missed the group call at night... she messaged me this morning asking how I was. I said not good, worried sick, hurt, afraid. all of it. she said she wanted to say something yesterday but didn't know how then our conversation ended abruptly because he woke up (I don't think they are sleeping in the same room for what she said... but can't be sure.

and so that's it... next sunday we will meet and that will be it I guess... in my mind she will either stay with him or stay alone...

hope I'm wrong...

April 24, 2020, 08:10:56 PM
Reply #14

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April 26, 2020, 09:46:33 AM
Reply #15



I lost her...friday night they booth showed up in the group call, it didn't end well for me. later that night I had the worst panic attack ever and she just lost it... she was more angry than worried... when I finally calmed down she said she would call me the next day.

yesterday I spent the whole day waiting for that call, for her voice. I finally got the courage and messaged her saying "you forgot" to what she replied she did not, that she was busy but not with what I thought (referring to sex I guess).
she called later that night...
we're not going to meet up today...
she already made her decision...

I lost... she never gave me a chance

the love of my life (the woman I was going to marry and have a life with) and a guy I though was my friend... they just destroyed me from the inside. I don't know what to do. I really don't...

April 26, 2020, 11:48:19 AM
Reply #16


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May 01, 2020, 01:51:11 AM
Reply #17

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May 01, 2020, 02:15:03 AM
Reply #18

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