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Author Topic: Forgive cheating girlfriend?

April 11, 2019, 12:17:33 PM
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kathether


Hello, me and my girlfriend were together for a year, both being 22, before she left to study abroad through an exchange programme. We were very strong before, open and honest about everything, nothing seemed amiss. So for the first two months apart, nothing was wrong until I found her behavior becoming odd, communication got seriously lacking. I had to drag it out of her and apparently she cheated on me with the same guy twice. There's lots of factors in this situation, good and bad, that make it hard for me to know what to think/feel. The tricky part is, I already had a flight and hotels booked to go visit her, less than a week from now, all paid for.

The moment I heard, I dumped her on the spot and brought all her stuff to her mother's place. After a few days of being angry, sad, disappointed, careless, I noticed I kinda still care about her. So over the past few days, we've talked a lot. She doesn't try to hide any part of the story, she takes it serious and puts all cards on the table. She's not trying to defend herself when I get angry with her, she takes it and admits it all. She's feeling regretful and trying hard to get my attention. She wants to do everything to fix things if I'm willing to offer her the chance. She's regretful, told me over and over, if I'd call her right now, she'd be crying. She never cheated in previous relationships and was always the person pushing her cheated-on friends to dump the cheater. She tells me she has lost herself by doing this, and can't forgive her self for it, doesn't know who she is right now. Tells me she feels grateful I even speak with her. I said I might consider to still go see her and give her the chance to convince me she's worthy of having me, and she greatly respects that I could even consider. I'm not trying to make it sound better for myself, but these are all good signs. I asked her if anything was lacking in our relationship before and there was nothing. We had some troubles in bed a long time ago where she wanted me to show more initiative, while I was too stubborn for she herself didn't do it. Maybe subconciously?

Now there are some circumstances where it took place. This guy is also an exchange student over there, and already in the first week he made drunken love confessions to her, fully knowing she wasn't single. She refused him each time and also told me about it, which made me feel proud. One night she was very very drunk, she passed out by landing her face on the street. I saw pictures, her face was all bloody. So this guy sort of picks her up, she awakened and somehow ended up in her bed but doesn't remember it happening. This guy sounds like a predatory a$$hole to me, but she says she just doesn't know if she also flirted or not so she doesn't make it an excuse. The morning after she mostly felt weird, confused, bad and regretful. She didn't tell anyone about what happened, not even her friends and sort of repressed the thought for herself, trying to ignore what happened (that first time really sounds like rape to me, imho). Second time she also had black holes from drinking too much but remembers him kissing her, and her thinking something along the lines of "I already broke something, might as well go with it". She couldn't bear to tell me because she knew it would hit me really hard.

That's her story and I still don't know the full entirety of it. Alcohol is no excuse but I think it plays a big role, I've done really stupid things myself purely by being drunk. This guy who takes advantage of drunk girls who lie bleeding on the streets and gets into her head with love confessions is also a factor. She does take full responsibility for her role in this, no excuses with alcohol or this guy. She didn't do it predetermined for sure, even though she cheated, I believe she's being honest. She agreed to block the guy on every medium and to drink less. If things like these happen, it's simply her responsibility to drink less. I'm her first serious relationship, so she isn't quite used to being responsible. The not telling me part is probably the hardest because we were always open to eachother, but I can again understand because for example, I've done some bad illegal stuff in the past which I physically could not tell my dad about, even when caught. In that sense I've been granted lots of second chances in my life, so I do believe in those. She also told me she sees herself getting married to me one day (told that before she left), which at some point freaked her out, knowing this would be it for the remainder of her days. Bad combination with lots of freedom, me not being there, alcohol and pushy scumbags.

I'm feeling very conflicted right now because I have to decide wether I'll still go to visit her or not. Part of me still misses her like I've been doing for the past months and would really like to forgive her at some point, because that part of me feels like this was a big mistake on her part, which she fully realizes. The other part of me just isn't convinced she's worth it, if it's worth to still waste time and thoughts on her because I don't know if I would be able to trust her again, especially because she will be away for three more months, stressy enough for me.

Is it weak or strong to forgive someone like her? I'm already going down the mental path of forgiveness, my plan right now is to go see her, talk really good. Then decide if it's worth to continue on our planned trip, which would become her chance to prove herself so I can decide on forgiveness in the end. But it's still so fresh, if we'd do that it would take strength to be able to look past it and actually give her the opportunity to make it up. I can't go on the trip with her if I'm going to be sour all the time, that's no use. I can always carry on by myself, no problem. And if I'm to be entirely honest with myself, I just don't know what I myself would be like if I'd be abroad for 6 months. I can't say for sure if I would be able to tell the truth immediately. I've never experienced the temptation like she did. So to be honest: I love her, I can understand the circumstances of it all, am still angry, sort of WANT to forgive but not sure if i CAN. I believe in second chances, they've worked for me, but not thirds.

I'd like to hear your thoughts, a word of advice, a personal experience maybe.
I just don't know what to think or feel, which is why I feel like I need to see her in person.

April 11, 2019, 01:59:22 PM
Reply #1
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impaired


I've never been cheated on, but I know few people that did. If she truly regrets and you can see it, then go for it. I'm not gonna defend her, cheating is cheating, but in this case like you pointed looks like she was raped 1st time. Not gonna lie, its a huge red flag, most would run away. If you want to, give it a shot. Or for your best, answer the question - you rather regret trying again and failing it, or regreting you didn't even try? I would go for it if I were you, but look carefull for anything that bothers you. Good luck man!

April 11, 2019, 02:15:52 PM
Reply #2
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kathether


I've never been cheated on, but I know few people that did. If she truly regrets and you can see it, then go for it. I'm not gonna defend her, cheating is cheating, but in this case like you pointed looks like she was raped 1st time. Not gonna lie, its a huge red flag, most would run away. If you want to, give it a shot. Or for your best, answer the question - you rather regret trying again and failing it, or regreting you didn't even try? I would go for it if I were you, but look carefull for anything that bothers you. Good luck man!

Thanks! I always told myself (and her) that cheating means instant break-up for me, no second thoughts. My mother cheated on my dad for years on end, and he kept on taking her back, which I always saw as a sign of weakness. Now that it happened to me, I'm amazed by how difficult it is. It takes strength to be able to truly forgive, something I still need to figure out wether I can do or not. I can't help but see the bigger picture about our relationship and understand the circumstances. Good question. I would regret not trying, because there is the possibility to come out of this stronger, both as a person and as a couple. Now that I exactly know the signs of it, I won't doubt dropping her when she isn't putting in enough effort or even does it again. I agree on the rape part, no self respecting man does that. She doesn't see it that way and is naive to believe he isn't a typical f*ckboy, so she does take responsibility for allowing him the second time, making up no excuses at all. She regrets it alright, I can only hope I'm not making a mistake.

April 12, 2019, 10:01:46 PM
Reply #3
Offline

MeAsking


I guess what you need is to be really honest with yourself. I think theres two layers to this. One is rational, other is emotional. Make sure you are absolutely okay with everything.

 

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