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Author Topic: I'm in a great relationship, except: no sex for half a year now

November 01, 2019, 08:10:10 AM
Read 1361 times
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SteveJ87


Hi there

Me (32) and my girlfriend (33) have been together for about a year. We love each other deeply (even though she’s only rarely able to tell me so), we’re looking at flats to rent, talk about how and when to get married, even talk about baby names. There's just one thing: 6 months ago, we stopped having sex.

Around that time, her depression/anxiety issues (which she’s been dealing with for the last decade) became worse and she’s close to a burn-out at work (high-stress business consulting job). She hasn’t seen a therapist because they couldn’t help her in the past. She stopped taking the pill about 3 months ago, as depression and loss of sex drive are common side effects. We hoped that would improve her well-being, but it only had a minor effect at best and she’s now also very anxious about getting pregnant, so much so that we can’t even take a bath together anymore.

I always believed that the current situation is temporary and that she will get better eventually. But I’m not so sure anymore and I fear that we are headed for an asexual relationship, which is really becoming an issue for me. This in turn puts pressure on her, makes her feel that she’s not enough for me and that I’m gonna leave her any day now. Obviously, she can’t guarantee that our sex life will ever get back to the way it was, and me expecting or hoping that it does makes her feel even more pressured. She tells me that I should break up with her and find someone else, and do so sooner rather than later so it wouldn’t hurt her as much, which just breaks my heart. I have tears in my eyes writing this. But I don’t know if I can ever be happy in a sexless relationship.

I can’t really tell anymore if I’m a selfish jerk, if I’m doing something wrong, if I should learn to live with it, if I’m too impatient, if this relationship is doomed, if, if, if…

Sometimes I wonder why this 1-2 hours a month are so important to me, when all the other countless hours with her are so wonderful.

What should I do?
« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 01:28:32 PM by SteveJ87 »

November 02, 2019, 03:59:19 PM
Reply #1
Offline

Italogent


Steve my friend,
    A relationship like yours with no sex is more of a friendship and co-dependency than true love. Sex is one of the most important ways to naturally express your love. It seems to me that you should leave this relationship now. If you are even considering it then it is clearly time to move on. You cannot waste your life surrounded by this sadness. She may be also happier alone. Stay in touch with her a few times a year, and then at least that way you wont feel she is gone forever. But most importantly Steve you need to get some sex!!!!

November 22, 2019, 02:30:48 PM
Reply #2
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TILA


Hi Steve,
It seems like you have a good relationship, but are at a crossroads right now. I work for a show called Temptation Island that may be perfect for you and your girlfriend to participate in. It gives couples an insight to if there relationship is truly the right one for them, or if you should part ways. Send me a message if you two would be interested.

Erin

February 20, 2020, 10:15:43 PM
Reply #3
Offline

hobgoblin


How is this a great relationship? You’re in denial. I sympathise with anyone who is going through depression but it’s never an excuse for solipsism. She’s the selfish one if anything and maybe she needs to be selfish and alone right now to deal with what she’s going though. If it’s too much trouble for her to spread her legs for her boyfriend a couple of times a week to stop him feeling frustrated and neglected then she’s not fit to be in a relationship. A relationship by definition is two people serving each other’s needs and she’s not serving your needs.

February 21, 2020, 11:41:30 AM
Reply #4
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HTB1903


As a married guy 38 with 2 kids now in similar relationship.  Even though your not married with kids some same issues.  I can unfortunately say I agree with her.  Sex in a relationship is important for emotional connection and I question my situation frequently that had I known this would she have been the one for me.  She tells me the same thing sometimes (should have married someone else).  Its not going to get better anytime soon from what I hear.  Your not young where you have lots of time for this to play out and 2 yrs down the road finally get out.  My advice would be to know what you want it and this is not it.  Cut the cord and find someone else.


June 12, 2020, 05:24:25 AM
Reply #5
Offline

HannahF


I don't think that she doesn't have sex with you only because of anxiety or burning-out at work.If it's so, then why don't you change the situation? If you love her and she loves you, then you should have a great impact on her mood.

What do you do to make her feel happy?

I was in he same situation that your girlfriend. Worked a lot, burned out, had an anxiety because I always had to be strong. But all I needed is to have some rest and to live happy moments with my man who didn't do anything to make me feel better.

As soon as I changed the man, things became better. I started working less( part-time) cause my man can afford to help me with money. But the most important is that he gives me emotions and experiences that make me feel alive and happy.

My ex didn't do a thing comparing to what my man does for me now.When we stopped having sex, he thought that I cheat on him with somebody else and spied on my with trackers. I guess that is that one https://www.mspylite.com/ I found on his phone.That was the last thing that I could bare and left him.

I don't tell you you are a bad boyfriend cause I don't know the whole story, but if you really love her, listen to her attentively, arrange the weekend for her or even offer her to have rest for some time from everything and you would care about her.

June 12, 2020, 08:53:09 PM
Reply #6
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lovely42


Hi Steve.  I am experiencing the same thing in my relationship as a women.  I have been with my partner for over 7 years and we are currently engaged.  We've had the same issues with not having sex or rarely.  He cheated and I felt violated and I did as well years before and we hurt each other but I discontinued. and we talked.  However,  I felt violated.  But we love each other and we have both decided to seek therapy to get through this.  Not just my issues of violation but some deep rooted things he's never discussed with me. In your case have you both gone to therapy to truly get to the bottom of the issue?.  I'm not sure if you have mentioned that in your posting.   If that's been attempted and still no deep routed psychological issues have surfaced that you feel can be salvaged or address you need to move on.  No need to be feeling  pain or forcing something occur that will not.  It's hurtful for one person to want one thing so badly that they turn a blind  eye to another short coming.  I suggest you move on. You  deserve all of someone. Sex is a huge part of a relationship.  It leave people to cheat because their needs aren't being met which leads to a constant life of hurt. 

June 21, 2020, 01:04:41 AM
Reply #7
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Agart1995


All thing should be natural and If we go against them then Problem arise. So It is not matter of do sex or not.

June 21, 2020, 01:30:29 PM
Reply #8
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Theperfectdrug


Have you asked her about the not having sex? And told her how you feel?

June 21, 2020, 02:27:14 PM
Reply #9
Offline

dawn_of_sheep


Not to be condescending. But in order for therapy to help you need to know yourself. You also need a good therapist.

It could be that they are asexual, or that there's something else causing issues. I think you really need to get to know them and how they feel. Really really know them. That is the only way forward. You've gotta learn them better than they know themselves and guide them through what they may need to do in therapy or whatever the issue may be.

June 21, 2020, 02:57:10 PM
Reply #10
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June 22, 2020, 03:48:28 AM
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June 24, 2020, 05:07:14 PM
Reply #13
Offline

Austo


not sure if it was mentioned already.
!
But i think you need to stop being so nice to her, and start being how you really feel about her, FRUSTRATED ANGRY OR HORNY!

nothing is more unatractive than always trying to be nice to women, grow some balls!!!

July 01, 2020, 05:58:33 AM
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