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Author Topic: Early stages/reconnection help

November 24, 2018, 01:20:10 PM
Read 822 times


I feel a bit stupid posting this, because it was something in the early stages. Regardless I would like to learn from any mistakes I may had made and possibly try and reconnect. I apologize for the length in this and thank anyone willing to read the entirety of my post.

A little about me: I'm 31 and live in the southern midwest. I have a career that requires a lot of hours (60-70 hrs/wk) 8 months out of the year. During our off season I do my best to get out and meet new people, but it is hard to sustain relationships whether friendly or romantic given my schedule for the majority of the year. I am pretty picky about giving females my time and when I am interested in a female, I don't talk to other females, whether it is friendly or romantic.

A little about her: 25 and a flight attendant. Lives in the southwest. Started as an FA about 6 months ago. Very passionate about travel and meeting new people. She lives a very busy lifestyle with her job and travel, which of course can make things confusing when trying to communicate. She is very smart, sincere, and didnt hurt that she was pretty easy on the eyes.

How we met: I was flying home for an unfortunate death in the family. She was very friendly with me on the flight and as I was deboarding she handed me a napkin with her name and number. She was staying where I flew in to, but I was not able to do anything with her that evening with the amount of family in town and grieving the death. Her note said to call her, which I did and I think she found that very respectable as most guys would cower behind a text. She was out to eat when I did and she texted me apologizing for missing my call. We texted the rest of the day, asking each other get to know you questions and learned a bit about each other.

It took us 2 months to go on an actual first date. She was nice enough to "bid" for a layover where I live and was able to get one. Over the 2 months, I called her a few times, which she answered and we had short conversations. I texted her very sparingly, which most went unanswered. If a text wasn't answered I would wait a few days before reaching out again. It got to the point, where I decided it was best to be patient and let her reach out after a few unanswered texts. She let me know when she would be in town a couple weeks after I stopped contact and I told her I would call the following week (she was going on a trip with girls) when I knew she was free. That call went unanswered and no return call so I backed off again until I heard from her a week before she was supposed to be in town.

The date: I picked her up from her hotel and the first thing she said to me was fill me in on your life again, I feel like we really didnt talk that much. I kinda chuckled a bit (because of the missed texts and calls) but just played it off being alright so we would have plenty to talk about. I didnt bring up the missed texts until later in the night when I told her I think we should talk more. We went to dinner and immediately hit it off (the waitress had to come back 4 or 5 times because we were too busy talking to look at the menu). Midway through the date she started throwing out next time we get together and things leading me to believe there would be a second date, somewhere down the line. I payed for dinner but she wanted to go out for more drinks after which actually surprised me because she had to leave pretty early the next morning. We spent all night asking each other great questions and found out a lot about each other. She seemed very sincere in that she was looking for a relationship and that she loved being a flight attendant but it is hard on relationships so she didnt envision herself doing it for an extended period of time. I also made myself very clear in that when I go on dates that if it goes well, then working towards a relationship is what I want. She made the comment that it appeared I know what I wanted and that it was a very good thing. We were both a little too drunk to drive so she asked me to Uber back with her to her hotel. We kissed on the way back and she asked me up to her room. We fooled around and she asked if I had a condom. I already made up my mind that a little fooling around would be fine, but I am not one just to sleep around. I also respect girls enough to not take advantage of them when they are drunk or have sex with them on the first date. I said no I did not have one because I was not expecting to even have been back with her at her hotel. She said she wasn't expecting it either. I told her let's not ruin things and call it a night. I stayed over with her until she had to leave. As she was getting ready she said I want you to walk me down to the lobby but I know my coworkers will see you and ask about you. I will need to tell them we have been seeing each other for awhile because some FAs get the reputation of sleeping with a lot of guys (I know most of you were already thinking this and initially I was too)

The week after: Obviously I fell head over heels for this girl otherwise I wouldn't be posting. I text her on my way home thanking her for the great night. She said she was hoping to see me again real soon. We texted every morning/night without her not answering texts. She called me a couple days after our date. We were talking about me coming to see her where she lives soon and even coming to see her on a layover somewhere to experience a new city. The last day we exchanged texts was on her last day of her trip as she was heading home. I asked if she could help me claim miles from previous flights (I knew how, but thought it would be fun for her to help and she gave me a hard time last time we talked). She said "yeah!" "Call you later". She did not call that night and I didn't want to press the issue because I knew she was probably tired and glad to be home from 8 days of flying. I gave her a couple days to relax and see her friends and to see if she would reach out. I text her 3 days after she said she was going to call and no reply. I called her the following day, and left a short message. Shortly after I called she was posting on her snapchat story (could tell she was with another guy, not sure on a date, but regardless could tell she was busy at the time). I heard nothing from her so the following evening I text her that I did not think it was going to work out. Again, radio silence. I followed up the next day with a text saying that I was willing to talk about it, and would appreciate a reply regardless of nature. I knew she didn't owe me anything so I finished the text with if you decide not to, then good luck with everything, I know you will be successful at whatever you do. I did this because I thought it was a better way to "end things" than just saying I didn't think it was going to work out. Again, no reply. Unfortunately I let my confusion get the best of me and sent a 3rd text the next day. I said I had regretted sending those texts (which I did and still do) and asked for a chance to explain why I did. No reply. I have not texted her since which was over 3 weeks ago. It was probably a pathetic thing to do, but I hadn't felt a connection with a girl like this one in a few years. I unfriended her on snapchat, facebook, and instagram (she still follows me on this) the day after I last text her. I did this not because of spite but moreso because I felt it would help give her and myself some space and regardless I felt like I saw more of her life through social than actually talking to her.

I just need some help and advice as to what other people think would be best for me. I feel like I am past the point where it would make me feel bad if she doesn't reply, but regardless still miss talking to her. I have the following questions and feel free to answer one or all.

Should I try and reconnect or just leave it be?

Was I not aggressive enough? (I didn't want to come off as needy because she is quite busy)

How do guys with experience dating girls (or busy girls for that matter) with busy schedules? (I just feel that if I would have backed off until I heard from her again that it would have shown disinterest on my part)

Are there people that are really that busy, or is that just an excuse in your mind?

Thanks for reading and any advice you may have for me.

December 13, 2018, 07:31:39 AM
Reply #1


I'm going to be 100% honest with you because it seems like you aren't familiar with the young person dating/hook-up scene. And that's okay! It's not what everyone likes but as someone who has stated they're in a demanding job and was trying to pursue someone else with a demanding job, thats what you've landed yourself in. So let's begin:

1) Do no try to reconnect with her. The amount of messages you've sent has already been too many and borders on creepy. Don't ever send a second text with out a response unless it's someone you've been dating or talking to for a while. Also, calling people is weird. She wasn't impressed that you called, she was weirded out.

2) You were TOO aggressive. Calling and texting that much? The last time a guy did that to me, I wanted to report it to the police. Women constantly have to deal with men bothering them over the phone and through social media. It can be absolutely terrifying, so you want to actually message and call less. It may not seem like you were to0 bothersome to yourself but the woman (also, please say woman saying female is degrading, it makes you feel like less than a person) is a flight attendant. Do you know how many creepy, aggressive men she probably deals with regularly? SO many.

3) Dating with a busy schedule is hard, but the key is to find someone in a similar field or comparably busy. Take your time getting to know them and try to only schedule dates when you're both free. The girl you were interested in probably does sleep around regularly and is dating other men. Narrowing in on one person doesn't happen until a month or two into dating face-to-face (that means all the time you spent texting doesn't count). My boyfriend and I are both busy people and when we first met it was incredibly difficult to see each other on a regular basis. He works 80 hour weeks and I was in graduate school and working a full-time job. The key to success was that we both were relaxed and casual about dating in the beginning and once it became clear we were committed to a long-term relationship (and could manage it based on workloads), it was at that time we became monogomous. You backing off wouldn't have shown your disinterest. It would have show that you recognize her as having a busy and equal career that doesn't give her a lot of time for texting.

4) People really are that busy. You sound like you didn't believe the woman saying she was busy, but if you want to develop a healthy long-term relationship, you really need to give people benefit of the doubt.

My last bit of advice is that you relax. Your high standards for women and the way you act not talking to girl friends when talking to another woman doesn't help you. Girls like to know that a guy is social and has female friends. It let's us know that you aren't going to kill and/or hurt us. Plus having female friends may help you find a girlfriend as women do like to set up friends with people who we think are a good match for them!


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