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Author Topic: Do I expect too much asking my girlfriend to keep me updated when on a night out

July 30, 2019, 04:30:18 PM
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Hi all,

By way of background, we are a happy, functional and healthy mid 20’s couple who have been together for almost 2 years and living together for around 10 months. We have a very healthy, trusting and caring relationship and other than the occasional bickering, the only thing we fight about is what I feel is her poor texting etiquette when we are not together. She is a beautiful, kind, caring girlfriend and I genuinely believe we are a one in a million couple, however her texting etiquette has caused issues from the beginning. She is naturally quite bad at texting (in terms of making the effort to do so and time to respond etc) and whilst this bothered me at first, I have now mainly accepted that’s just who she is and it doesn’t really cause any issues anymore, except when she out on a night out drinking.

Whilst I don’t think I’m overly jealous or clingy or possessive, I do have a tendency to worry, so when she is on a night out and she is drinking (and occasionally taking drugs), I get quite anxious and worried if I don’t hear from her for long periods of time in case something bad happens (I trust that she would never cheat, but I more so mean the usual dangerous drunk antics or people taking advantage of her). I have previously expressed to her that this is something that bothers me a lot, and she apologized and promised to try harder.

Unfortunately this trying hasn’t really translated into action; very recently, she was our for a boozy dinner but was meant to have a relatively early night and come home. I was at home waiting for her, but when I still hadn’t heard from her at 10pm, I messaged her for an update, which she did not respond to. At 11pm, I send her a (admittedly slightly passive aggressive) message saying I assumed she was preoccupied so I’ll go to bed. I struggled to sleep and eventually woke up at 2am, and she still hasn’t contacted me. By this point I got worried and messaged her again to no avail, and eventually called her close to 3am - she responded but seemed very surprised that I was frustrated by her lack of communication. It turned out her boozy dinner turned into a big night and she didn’t end up home till 430am.

I expressed that I have no issue with her letting her hair down and having big nights but that I was upset because of her poor communication and lack of contact for almost 7 hours whilst I was worried about ‘what could happen’ in the context of alcohol and drugs. She apologized profusely and promised again that she would try harder.

Only 4 days later she had to do an overnight trip for work with a colleague (doesn’t help that he’s an attractive single guy in his 20’s), and whilst we were communicating fine during the day, the last time we spoke was at 7pm when she said wasn’t sure what she was going to do for dinner as she was tired from waking up at 4am that morning. I didn’t hear any update, and I messaged her at 10 asking her what she ended up doing and if she was free for a goodnight call. As she didn’t respond, at 1045 I tried to call her to say goodnight as I figured she may have simply fallen asleep. She didn’t respond and instead I got a half-assed message 15 mins later saying ‘I’m still out - goodnight, I love you’. This annoyed me a bit as I would’ve expected her to at least let me know what she was up to, and she answered neither of my questions. At first I ignored this frustration and responded with a nice goodnight message, but then I noticed she’d been on Instagram and WhatsApp a lot the whole night. This made me feel pretty betrayed and anxious so I messaged her saying that I didn’t want to start a fight but I felt a bit crappy that she barely texted me, yet she could be on social media messaging others. An hour later she finally responded and apologized again but said she just doesn’t understand why I expect to be kept updated as to what she’s doing. I explained to her that it’s not about jealousy and that it’s certainly not about begrudging her having fun, but that it’s just important to me to have some idea of where she is at night and what she’s up to because I love and care for her and just want to know she’s safe. I explained to her that I don’t expect an hourly play-by-play but expect at least the occasional message to let me know what she’s up to so that I can rest easy and have some idea of when she’s coming home. Her lack of communication when she’s out drinking makes me feel really anxious and stressed, and her failure to try make more of an effort despite knowing how important it is to me just makes me feel really insignificant, unimportant and like I’m not a priority. It’s at the point now where this is causing me a lot of stress and I’m starting to question whether this is a real worry because if she can’t make the effort to make such a minor change, what happens when in future there is something that needs changing which actually requires some sacrifice?

Are my expectations to be kept updated occasionally whilst she is out drinking unrealistic?

Thanks for any feedback!

July 31, 2019, 12:59:11 AM
Reply #1


For the short answer yes.
Its controlling and you should be finding something to occupy your time rather than bothering her.

July 31, 2019, 04:49:55 AM
Reply #2


Thanks the the response and honest feedback, however I really don’t feel that expecting your significant other who you live with to update you when she’s going to be home 5 hours later than planned whilst I’m waiting for her is ‘bothering her’... I think it’s just part of mature, compassionate and considerate communication...

August 03, 2019, 10:09:27 PM
Reply #3



I absolutely feel for you. I have the exact same issue with a boyfriend of mine. His texting etiquette is absolutely awful l. It makes me angry and frustrated to the point when I feel like smashing my phone. When I am out for business trips or weekends and we are not together, I try to occupy myself for hours and hours so I don't need to think about that he still hasn't texted me. I am also very worrying person and I am always afraid that something might happen to him. Your girlfriend seems like a very nice person, because at least she apologized. I am sorry I wish I would have an advice for you... Maybe just try occuping yorusel while she is gone. Or try to do that to her... Go out and don't let her know about yourself. Maybe she will learn how it feels to be on the other side :( I wish you the best, it's not easy.

August 05, 2019, 09:24:09 AM
Reply #4


This seems to me like a little bit too much .... you are too needy. Relax. If you trust her you dont need reassurance that she is fine. You really should give her some time without your presence. I heard that relationship grows only when you spend some time together as well as without the other one.

August 07, 2019, 12:17:04 AM
Reply #5


I think your expectation for an update is not completely unrealistic. If she knew exactly how anxious you become during these times of not knowing what's happening, she would at least send you a message to ease your anxieties.  So what is the answer? Communicate your concerns to her. If she cares, she will respond favorably.

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August 08, 2019, 04:18:48 PM
Reply #6


Yes, it shows lack of trust. You say you trust her but you obviously don't. She doesn't want to spend her night out constantly on her phone.

On the other hand, if she's doing dangerous things like taking drugs, I can see why you worry.

August 20, 2019, 11:49:22 PM
Reply #7


I don't think he's wrong at all. I'd appreciate that my man cares enough to check up on me...not bickering and all that but just a simple "you alright..just checking on you" would suffice. I would even spend some time on a gn phone call. The same way I want a man to make me feel secure...i'd be happy to do the same for him.

August 21, 2019, 12:00:00 AM
Reply #8


You need to be trusting and listen to your heart, it is right. We are humans and we are prone to certain feeling and I see where you stand. Be patient and take it slowly and hope it works out best for you guys. Cheers!

September 02, 2019, 05:09:10 PM
Reply #9


I'm in a very similar position to yourself and am trying to work out if it's just simply me being really needy or not. I think you're in every right to ask her to contact you however it may come across pretty needy therefore it's not easy to answer.

If you're like me then you prob won't be able to sleep until you hear she's home and safe.

September 26, 2019, 06:36:08 PM
Reply #10


I have been in both situations. It sucks both ways. it sucks when your partner is away with other people and you dont get a reply back but then it sucks for the other person also because then you are mad at them and seems like your asking too much. just tell her your thoughts and try to get a compromise i guess. she needs space to do her own thing but you need to make her miss and think of you.

September 30, 2019, 09:13:25 PM
Reply #11


I'm sorry but yes it's too much.

If you are in your 20s then you are probably too young to remember a world before texting. What do you suppose people did then? Why does she need to text you unless there is specifically something she needs to say?

The girl is having a night out without you. Note those last two words *without you*. That's important to a healthy relationship. You both need your own space. If she is having to constantly talk to you, then you are basically with her the whole time - so what's the point in going out without you?

If you trust her, leave her alone. If you don't, then you've got problems and you need to deal with them.

October 01, 2019, 06:41:26 PM
Reply #12


I completely understand your worry and intentions behind your actions, believe me I think it's safe to say most boyfriends deal with this or a variation of this situation at some point.

So short answer to your question: Yes, you are expecting a tad too much.

More accurate answer: Yes and no. I'll explain my reasoning...

So it looks like to me your intentions are justified. There's nothing wrong with wondering what your girl is up to or if she's safe and well. A simple "Hey just checking up on you" is fine, especially if she's out late at night. However, demanding exactly what she's doing at an exact location with the exact people, etc. That's a bit overboard (these are questions one's dad might be demanding of his own daughter. Do you really wanna be that guy?). That screams to me that there exists some insecurity or lack of trust in the relationship. Instead, assuming your relationship with her is healthy and you both truly care for each other, give her some faith. Has she ever failed you before? If there's no evidence as to why you should be lacking in trust, then I see no reason why you shouldn't trust her.

Alternatively, communication is key here. I think it's important, especially if it's bothering you, to sit down and convey how this is making the both of you feel. Then perhaps think about developing a system that works best for the both of you. Maybe, for example, make a deal with her that if she's out later than 1AM she should shoot you a 'heads up' text saying that she's safe and you needn't worry as much. That's just an example, you find what works best for you both.

Best of luck!

October 04, 2019, 04:14:52 PM
Reply #13


New here. Stumbled across and wanted to chime in...

Nothing wrong with what you're doing. If you're girlfriend is not following the plan, nor is she keeping you updated with changes during her night out, you have every right to be worried - that's actually a sign that you care for her deeply.

I've found that some people in their 20's don't feel the need to keep loved ones updated with their whereabouts and such in these kinds of situations. It's more of a "I'm an adult now and I can do what I want" kind of attitude. But the difference here is that you are a couple and it's nothing but selfishness for her to keep you in the dark.

My final advice is: there will be pain points in every relationship. If you love the girl and it truly is a one-in-a-million relationship, then you really have to ask yourself if yourself if the pros outweigh the cons. Based on what you wrote, I think it's worth keeping her around but you need to figure out a new approach on this problem.

October 09, 2019, 05:29:15 PM
Reply #14


I think it is common courtesy to keep you updated when she's out drinking etc.  She should reassure you that nothing is happening and she is safe.  If you're pestering her then she has every right to cut you off but otherwise she shouldn't go dark when out and staying out until 4:30 drinking and doing drugs can't be a good thing.  What drugs is she doing?  Is it just weed or similar or is it coke or something similar? 


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