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Author Topic: Do I expect too much asking my girlfriend to keep me updated when on a night out

July 30, 2019, 11:30:18 AM
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Jormul


Hi all,

By way of background, we are a happy, functional and healthy mid 20’s couple who have been together for almost 2 years and living together for around 10 months. We have a very healthy, trusting and caring relationship and other than the occasional bickering, the only thing we fight about is what I feel is her poor texting etiquette when we are not together. She is a beautiful, kind, caring girlfriend and I genuinely believe we are a one in a million couple, however her texting etiquette has caused issues from the beginning. She is naturally quite bad at texting (in terms of making the effort to do so and time to respond etc) and whilst this bothered me at first, I have now mainly accepted that’s just who she is and it doesn’t really cause any issues anymore, except when she out on a night out drinking.

Whilst I don’t think I’m overly jealous or clingy or possessive, I do have a tendency to worry, so when she is on a night out and she is drinking (and occasionally taking drugs), I get quite anxious and worried if I don’t hear from her for long periods of time in case something bad happens (I trust that she would never cheat, but I more so mean the usual dangerous drunk antics or people taking advantage of her). I have previously expressed to her that this is something that bothers me a lot, and she apologized and promised to try harder.

Unfortunately this trying hasn’t really translated into action; very recently, she was our for a boozy dinner but was meant to have a relatively early night and come home. I was at home waiting for her, but when I still hadn’t heard from her at 10pm, I messaged her for an update, which she did not respond to. At 11pm, I send her a (admittedly slightly passive aggressive) message saying I assumed she was preoccupied so I’ll go to bed. I struggled to sleep and eventually woke up at 2am, and she still hasn’t contacted me. By this point I got worried and messaged her again to no avail, and eventually called her close to 3am - she responded but seemed very surprised that I was frustrated by her lack of communication. It turned out her boozy dinner turned into a big night and she didn’t end up home till 430am.

I expressed that I have no issue with her letting her hair down and having big nights but that I was upset because of her poor communication and lack of contact for almost 7 hours whilst I was worried about ‘what could happen’ in the context of alcohol and drugs. She apologized profusely and promised again that she would try harder.

Only 4 days later she had to do an overnight trip for work with a colleague (doesn’t help that he’s an attractive single guy in his 20’s), and whilst we were communicating fine during the day, the last time we spoke was at 7pm when she said wasn’t sure what she was going to do for dinner as she was tired from waking up at 4am that morning. I didn’t hear any update, and I messaged her at 10 asking her what she ended up doing and if she was free for a goodnight call. As she didn’t respond, at 1045 I tried to call her to say goodnight as I figured she may have simply fallen asleep. She didn’t respond and instead I got a half-assed message 15 mins later saying ‘I’m still out - goodnight, I love you’. This annoyed me a bit as I would’ve expected her to at least let me know what she was up to, and she answered neither of my questions. At first I ignored this frustration and responded with a nice goodnight message, but then I noticed she’d been on Instagram and WhatsApp a lot the whole night. This made me feel pretty betrayed and anxious so I messaged her saying that I didn’t want to start a fight but I felt a bit crappy that she barely texted me, yet she could be on social media messaging others. An hour later she finally responded and apologized again but said she just doesn’t understand why I expect to be kept updated as to what she’s doing. I explained to her that it’s not about jealousy and that it’s certainly not about begrudging her having fun, but that it’s just important to me to have some idea of where she is at night and what she’s up to because I love and care for her and just want to know she’s safe. I explained to her that I don’t expect an hourly play-by-play but expect at least the occasional message to let me know what she’s up to so that I can rest easy and have some idea of when she’s coming home. Her lack of communication when she’s out drinking makes me feel really anxious and stressed, and her failure to try make more of an effort despite knowing how important it is to me just makes me feel really insignificant, unimportant and like I’m not a priority. It’s at the point now where this is causing me a lot of stress and I’m starting to question whether this is a real worry because if she can’t make the effort to make such a minor change, what happens when in future there is something that needs changing which actually requires some sacrifice?

Are my expectations to be kept updated occasionally whilst she is out drinking unrealistic?

Thanks for any feedback!

July 30, 2019, 07:59:11 PM
Reply #1
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ReneeOfHearts


For the short answer yes.
Its controlling and you should be finding something to occupy your time rather than bothering her.

July 30, 2019, 11:49:55 PM
Reply #2
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Jormul


Thanks the the response and honest feedback, however I really don’t feel that expecting your significant other who you live with to update you when she’s going to be home 5 hours later than planned whilst I’m waiting for her is ‘bothering her’... I think it’s just part of mature, compassionate and considerate communication...

August 03, 2019, 05:09:27 PM
Reply #3
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Lucy


Hi,

I absolutely feel for you. I have the exact same issue with a boyfriend of mine. His texting etiquette is absolutely awful l. It makes me angry and frustrated to the point when I feel like smashing my phone. When I am out for business trips or weekends and we are not together, I try to occupy myself for hours and hours so I don't need to think about that he still hasn't texted me. I am also very worrying person and I am always afraid that something might happen to him. Your girlfriend seems like a very nice person, because at least she apologized. I am sorry I wish I would have an advice for you... Maybe just try occuping yorusel while she is gone. Or try to do that to her... Go out and don't let her know about yourself. Maybe she will learn how it feels to be on the other side :( I wish you the best, it's not easy.

August 05, 2019, 04:24:09 AM
Reply #4
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Aloako


This seems to me like a little bit too much .... you are too needy. Relax. If you trust her you dont need reassurance that she is fine. You really should give her some time without your presence. I heard that relationship grows only when you spend some time together as well as without the other one.

August 06, 2019, 07:17:04 PM
Reply #5
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jorge


I think your expectation for an update is not completely unrealistic. If she knew exactly how anxious you become during these times of not knowing what's happening, she would at least send you a message to ease your anxieties.  So what is the answer? Communicate your concerns to her. If she cares, she will respond favorably.










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August 08, 2019, 11:18:48 AM
Reply #6
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JTSW


Yes, it shows lack of trust. You say you trust her but you obviously don't. She doesn't want to spend her night out constantly on her phone.

On the other hand, if she's doing dangerous things like taking drugs, I can see why you worry.

August 20, 2019, 06:49:22 PM
Reply #7
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Laderukuz


I don't think he's wrong at all. I'd appreciate that my man cares enough to check up on me...not bickering and all that but just a simple "you alright..just checking on you" would suffice. I would even spend some time on a gn phone call. The same way I want a man to make me feel secure...i'd be happy to do the same for him.

August 20, 2019, 07:00:00 PM
Reply #8
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sam1989


You need to be trusting and listen to your heart, it is right. We are humans and we are prone to certain feeling and I see where you stand. Be patient and take it slowly and hope it works out best for you guys. Cheers!

September 02, 2019, 12:09:10 PM
Reply #9
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maverick1103


I'm in a very similar position to yourself and am trying to work out if it's just simply me being really needy or not. I think you're in every right to ask her to contact you however it may come across pretty needy therefore it's not easy to answer.

If you're like me then you prob won't be able to sleep until you hear she's home and safe.

September 26, 2019, 01:36:08 PM
Reply #10
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Josh1917


I have been in both situations. It sucks both ways. it sucks when your partner is away with other people and you dont get a reply back but then it sucks for the other person also because then you are mad at them and seems like your asking too much. just tell her your thoughts and try to get a compromise i guess. she needs space to do her own thing but you need to make her miss and think of you.

September 30, 2019, 04:13:25 PM
Reply #11
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joebloggs69


I'm sorry but yes it's too much.

If you are in your 20s then you are probably too young to remember a world before texting. What do you suppose people did then? Why does she need to text you unless there is specifically something she needs to say?

The girl is having a night out without you. Note those last two words *without you*. That's important to a healthy relationship. You both need your own space. If she is having to constantly talk to you, then you are basically with her the whole time - so what's the point in going out without you?

If you trust her, leave her alone. If you don't, then you've got problems and you need to deal with them.

October 01, 2019, 01:41:26 PM
Reply #12
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junkoboy


I completely understand your worry and intentions behind your actions, believe me I think it's safe to say most boyfriends deal with this or a variation of this situation at some point.

So short answer to your question: Yes, you are expecting a tad too much.

More accurate answer: Yes and no. I'll explain my reasoning...

So it looks like to me your intentions are justified. There's nothing wrong with wondering what your girl is up to or if she's safe and well. A simple "Hey just checking up on you" is fine, especially if she's out late at night. However, demanding exactly what she's doing at an exact location with the exact people, etc. That's a bit overboard (these are questions one's dad might be demanding of his own daughter. Do you really wanna be that guy?). That screams to me that there exists some insecurity or lack of trust in the relationship. Instead, assuming your relationship with her is healthy and you both truly care for each other, give her some faith. Has she ever failed you before? If there's no evidence as to why you should be lacking in trust, then I see no reason why you shouldn't trust her.

Alternatively, communication is key here. I think it's important, especially if it's bothering you, to sit down and convey how this is making the both of you feel. Then perhaps think about developing a system that works best for the both of you. Maybe, for example, make a deal with her that if she's out later than 1AM she should shoot you a 'heads up' text saying that she's safe and you needn't worry as much. That's just an example, you find what works best for you both.

Best of luck!

October 04, 2019, 11:14:52 AM
Reply #13
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huntfishcamp


New here. Stumbled across and wanted to chime in...

Nothing wrong with what you're doing. If you're girlfriend is not following the plan, nor is she keeping you updated with changes during her night out, you have every right to be worried - that's actually a sign that you care for her deeply.

I've found that some people in their 20's don't feel the need to keep loved ones updated with their whereabouts and such in these kinds of situations. It's more of a "I'm an adult now and I can do what I want" kind of attitude. But the difference here is that you are a couple and it's nothing but selfishness for her to keep you in the dark.

My final advice is: there will be pain points in every relationship. If you love the girl and it truly is a one-in-a-million relationship, then you really have to ask yourself if yourself if the pros outweigh the cons. Based on what you wrote, I think it's worth keeping her around but you need to figure out a new approach on this problem.

October 09, 2019, 12:29:15 PM
Reply #14
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Talk2Me


I think it is common courtesy to keep you updated when she's out drinking etc.  She should reassure you that nothing is happening and she is safe.  If you're pestering her then she has every right to cut you off but otherwise she shouldn't go dark when out and staying out until 4:30 drinking and doing drugs can't be a good thing.  What drugs is she doing?  Is it just weed or similar or is it coke or something similar? 

October 26, 2019, 02:27:37 PM
Reply #15
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anon


I'm new on this forum and relate to this post so thought I'd chime in, but it's a women's perspective so not sure if that would help or not!

I've been in the exact same position as you, I get super worried with my bf being out on nights out and I'm yet to figure out if it's because he's poor at communicating and needs to improve or if it's coz I'm too needy and don't fully trust his friends won't make him do something stupid (take drugs such as coke is my biggest fear).

I fully understand how you feel and I really like to be thought of when my boyfriend is out so it makes me super sad when I don't hear from him for hours because it makes me think he isnt thinking of me at all (potentially extremely selfish). I think we both need to communicate how we feel, that is most important and make a decision on how we cope with nights out when we're apart. I think I am too needy and I do things to try and take my mind off it when he's out, such as watch some TV, call a friend try and go out myself But I make it clear to him that I really like it when we have a goodnight phone call or message before bed and the situation has improved a lot since.

Just try to communicate how you feel more and trust her and it's great she is apologetic when she doesn't do what you hope and I think appreciate that and try to give her space a bit occasionally :)

October 30, 2019, 06:25:11 PM
Reply #16
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Sunshine4


I don't think you are asking much of her but I would say back up some and let her have her time away from you. It makes the heart grow fonder. The one call or text to see how she is would be ok. However, she needs to communicate a response to you. Try not texting or calling her when she goes out and see if her communication response changes...best of luck to u

November 01, 2019, 07:57:04 AM
Reply #17
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SteveJ87


I think it is completely OK to expect being updated if she's coming back later than she said she would. I would start to worry as well if she was supposed to be back by 10 and it's 11 already. I would even go so far as to say that she should proactively message you, and not that you have to ask her where she is. I do that as well: if I know it's going to be later than I said, I'll send a quick text so she doesn't have to worry.

But! That's where the "obligation" ends. I don't expect my partner to constantly update me where she is, to reply to my texts quickly etc. She's out having fun with her friends, and I'm perfectly fine with zero communication during that time (apart from informing me if she'll be home later than expected).

So perhaps she sees it the same way, and gets annoyed because you expect her to update you on unimportant stuff?

November 03, 2019, 05:51:59 AM
Reply #18
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wiki4841


yes it is obvious i usually ask any thing to my girlfriend and i ask strictly like what she did and what is doing first of all try to motivate yourself<a href="https://99fictions.com/self-love-quotes//">motivate yourself</a> you will be able to answer her when you will be out

November 03, 2019, 05:53:17 AM
Reply #19
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wiki4841


yes it is obvious i usually ask any thing to my girlfriend and i ask strictly like what she did and what is doing first of all try to motivate yourself you will be able to answer her when you will be out
<a href="https://99fictions.com/self-love-quotes//html/">self esteem</a>

November 23, 2019, 06:03:18 AM
Reply #20
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Betts


I think your expectations are yours and I think hers are very different. If this really is the only grind you have with each other then think about it.
Do you go out for long periods of time enjoying yourself and does she check up.
Are you needy and messaging more then you've let on.
Is this your insecurity and her blank ignorance.
Do you trust her. Cos if you do my only advice would be next time she goes out and you have a hankering that she will be a while then call your best mate and go do the same but do not text her just enjoy your night. The next day reflect on that evening and how you see things against a night when u yourself were not occupied. Cos overall you won't change her behaviour you have to decide what you will put up with.

November 24, 2019, 10:18:03 PM
Reply #21
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maggieellen


While it is important to give your partner space and trust them, I do think it is completely OK to ask them to update you once our twice throughout the night to make sure that all is OK. I worry a lot as well and find it very helpful to get an update - even if just a quick text or two. One thing that has helped me is having 'Find Friends' (or the equivalent if you have an Android device) on our phones so that at least I can know where they are.

December 03, 2019, 12:11:12 PM
Reply #22
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Sophie26


One thing you don't mention is how you behave with updates when you are out without her?

The main thing to realise is that people have different psychological make ups. Some people think its important to keep their loved one updated, some people think they should be free for the night with no obligation to post updates to their loved one. Both points of view are neither right or wrong, it's just how people are wired.

One issue I had in my first serious relationship is that I actually had a double standard of my bf then. If I went out, I was out and that's it. I would be home when I was home, and I expected complete trust from him. It would anger me if he kept perstering me with texts and calls. It felt like he didn't trust me.

However, whe he was out with the boys without me, I would be nervous all night. I know how sime girls dress, and what their intentions are. I would always tell him that I trust him, just not some of the girls he might meet during the night. 8 insisted that he kept me updated throughout the night, and to even come home early sometimes.

I honestly did not see the double standard because back then, I only saw things from my perspective as a girl. I felt things only happen with the opposite sex if the girl allows it. I didn't consider that he would be at home worried about all the lads that would hit on me with the way I was dressed. And that did happen a lot.

You have to be fair, and expect to be treated with how you treat your partner.

December 05, 2019, 05:02:22 AM
Reply #23
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Djb5699


I was in the same boat with my girlfriend due to our different schedules and different friends, I was constantly wandering if she was okay and safe. It is normal to feel this way and feel like you need to be there for protection, but over time you both should realize that it will get better over time and you won't feel the urge to constantly know each others state. What I do and recommend is to just tell each other when you go out and where you might go and then go from there, and if anything does happen to have each other's phone on the ready just in case. But this is just a maturity thing that grows over time.

 

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