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Author Topic: Collateral damage of a toxic relationship, what to do?

September 04, 2019, 11:19:10 AM
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Hello everyone,

I hope you are doing well. As the title of this post says, my writing has to do with the topic of toxic relationships. However, I was not the one who lived it, it was my current partner.

She is a young woman about 21 years old (10 years younger than me), who had a 2-year relationship with a 25-year-old guy before meeting me. She told me that when they started the relationship they did not have the opportunity to share so much in the street because the guy arrested for robbery in the place where he worked.

Despite this situation, she decided to support him and visit him in jail every Sunday and she moved to live in his house with his parents and sisters too.

However, there were times when he was filled with jealousy and became violent with her.
In general, his anger was just limited just by verbal aggression only.

One day, while making love with him, he takes advantage of the situation and records a video during sex. Time passes and within the ups and downs of that relationship, where for each discussion they broke up and came back as two teenagers, there comes a time when the young man gets so upset with her that he publishes on social networks and lets him know family about the video of him having sex with her.

As if this were not enough, there was a day where the boy's anger, during the jealous scenes that made her think that she cheats him while he is imprisoned, to the point that he crosses the limit and punches his face.

After that she, despite loving him to the point of not failing a conjugal visit on Sunday, decides to finally break up with him a few months before leaving prison.

After a month, fate makes her start playing an online game and that's where we know each other. There was chemistry from the beginning to the point that it was she who asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend.

After about 2 months of relationship she begins to be harassed by her ex-boyfriend and she receives all kinds of telephone insults via chat. She explains to me the sad situation and I got worry because he was about to leave and, because of his angry way of speaking and his way of expressing himself with threats and bad words, the concern for his physical integrity was inevitable.

At first, she does not inform him that she has a relationship with me. He claimed that she did not even wait enough a prudent amount of time after breaking up with him. With fear of worsen the situation she told me that it was better to keep our relationship as discreet as possible. I agreed.

Days before the guy was released prison she  decides to call and congratulate him for his birthday. There she took the opportunity to make his point and let him understand that she would not continue helping him with the legal proceedings related to his confinement.

After that she decides to visit the guy´s mother to give her things that he had to do once he were released, to avoid that she preferred to deliver them before this day.

After that, she changed the number and thus the harassment of him was reduced. After his ex-partner leaves prison, time passes and they have no contact.

Meanwhile our relationship was going full of passion and love, she comes to tell me that I have been a blessing in her life and other beautiful things. She gives me a good birthday gift full of love and details, she even edits me a special video, in short: we were in the love of the good point of the relationship.

However, one day, when checking the PC where she worked I noticed that she was searching for her ex's Facebook. That triggered my alarm and I was alert. After that I discover an anonymous Facebook page where there were writings of broken poetry. Things like: "I will never love who was my executioner again" and with sad images typical of a toxic relationship.

After that I confront her and she tells me that she was going to talk to me about that page at the time because she had a plan for him to get excited and think that she was going to go back with him but then not. Furthermore, she also told me that he was writing through this page but she never answered him.

She saw that I didn't like that discovery and she decided to remove the page.

Then time passes again and I find another new page of it. There were messages like "I miss you" "I will never love someone like you again" "this story is unfinished" "this love is impossible" "sometimes I want to see you and kiss your lips" etc.

With tears in my eyes I face her again, at first she denied me that it was hers. Then by showing her that actually it was her , the she admitted it to me. She told me that even though it was her there were nothing bad, that the thing is that she is going through a difficult process because of all the things he did to her, that she has nightmares about it, etc.

She ended up removing this one too. We remain normal in the relationship. Time passes again and as she had already made me know her parents and her siblings and then I decide to be less discreet about our relationship and sent a letter to her ex without telling her.

In the letter I explained to him that I realized of the anonymous Facebook pages that she opened to send indirect to the him, I told him that is normal because I last a while missing my ex-partner too. Also that I even have no problems in her visiting and finish talking with him about what they have to talk in person.

Well, after that I let her know what I did, she got upset and told me that I should let her know first, etc.

Her ex-boyfriend didn't answered anything directly to me, but he made some posts on his Facebook that day alluding to the subject of the letter I sent him.

After that we continue with the relationship normally. In spite of having changed the number, she adds the contacts of her ex-family: her mother and one of her sisters. She tells me that maybe she stayed so much time with him because of how his family welcomed her that he let her be at home and how they got along, even though he was misbehaving with his own family.

I didn´t like it. I told her that it was uncomfortable and I  even doeskin want to know about his family. She told me not to think this way because that could cause more problems on us and also that his family does not talk about him and others. (In fact, I saw his whatsapp and it's true, they don't talk about him)

Anyway, the meet with one of his sisters because they were both unemployed and looking for a job. In fact, she also maintains contact with another of her exes and had to meet him to take a friend in common to the hospital, she sent me the location and photos of the hospital while it was, all the meeting was transparent and normal.

In this week I decided to make a list of the things that had bothered me about our relationship in the 8 months that we have already:

1) That she had made the pages of Facebook anonymous.
2) That he kept in touch with his ex (the one before the last one) with people related to both exes.
3) That she is very volatile and vindictive when I criticized her.
After that list she recognizes that it is a defect that she has because it is good as forgetting him despite the bad things that he have done to her, she even tells me that she thinks that it is better for her to be alone because of his personality and that she had that same problem with his ex-partner who wanted to control his behavior and so on.

There I told her that I don't want to control her or anything like that. That I just let her know how I was feeling about all of this and wanted to let her being aware of that.

After that, she was bored and went to a friend and drinks at her house. When she came, she was a little drunk but could handle it, we talked a little and then said good nights at 12 AM.

I usually go to bed early, and when I checked Facebook I see that she is online at about 2 AM and I ask: “Can't you sleep?” To which she answers: “No.” She decides to call me.

She told me that she has to confess something to me. I told her to tell me without problems. Then she told me that she does not know why after so much time (8 months) she still thinks about his ex and how things could have been if they had followed together after him leaving prison, despite everything he did.

That she knows that, even if she go back with him, he will not change and that it does not suit her. Then she tells me that it is not fair for me because she loves me and because of the way I have been with her.

After this, I told her that these are the consequences of the toxic relationship that she is a victim of it. I told her that it is difficult for the brain to erase those memories because they were so intense and shocking.

However, I also told her that at any time, if she wishes she could go and see him and finish defining what causes her curiosity. She just there told me:"What for? This is unfinished, maybe someday I will."

After that we talked about other things and then we went to bed normally because it was too late.

As you could tell this is a complex story. Besides, it is obvious that I love her. However, I still harbor the fear that later in the best moment of the relationship she will get up one day and decide to stay with him.

I am clear that today relationships are a huge act of faith. But, I would like to know what do you recommend me to do in this situation?



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